Cosby Vows to Find Real Rapist

NORRISTOWN, PA—Following the Montgomery County court’s failure to convict him of sexual assault last month, Bill Cosby today told reporters he plans to devote all his remaining energy to hunting down “the real rapist.”

“It makes me sick to my stomach to think he’s still out there,” said the 79-year-old comedian, speaking slowly and with great effort. “Some monster out there drugged and molested more than fifty women in my home over forty-three years, and I’ll do everything in my power to bring him to justice.”

Mr. Cosby’s lead attorney Brian McMonagle confirmed that identifying the true attacker is a struggle that has vexed Mr. Cosby for decades.

“Every time Mr. Cosby would entertain a young woman in his home, a mysterious third party would sneak in after dinner, offer her several blue pills, and sneak out,” said McMonagle. “Then, hours later, the same party would sneak back into Mr. Cosby’s house to fondle and penetrate the sedated victim before escaping again undetected.”

“This happened repeatedly, for years and years,” added McMonagle.

According to spokesman Andrew Wyatt, “Mr. Cosby himself feels like a victim of these attacks: a victim of someone habitually breaking into his home and raping his houseguests. It’s incredibly frustrating to him.”

Wyatt emphasized, however, that finding and punishing the real serial rapist is far more important to Mr. Cosby than repairing his own battered reputation.

“All that matters right now is that innocent women were harmed,” said Wyatt. “And Mr. Cosby will not eat or drink or sleep one wink in his $3 million 21-acre New England estate until their rapist is behind bars.”