Durham Bird Population Mourns Loss of Historic Place to Shit

DURHAM, NC—In what has been called a “cultural tragedy” by members of the avian community, a Confederate statue in North Carolina was toppled by protesters yesterday, prompting many to speak out against this “senseless waste of a perfectly good place to shit”.

The statue, which depicted an unnamed rebel soldier, has stood on the Durham County courthouse lawn since 1924. Though many saw the monument as an unsightly endorsement of racist ideology, to others it was a priceless piece of history.

“This statue was a part of our heritage,” said one rock pigeon and long-time Durham resident. “Knowing that my children will never get to take a crusty, lukewarm dump on the same bronze head that my grandfather did, like his grandfather before him; it’s just a real shame.”