Lab Results Reveal Driver Killed in Sports Car Accident Had Normal Sized Penis

BEAVERCREEK, OH — Following a tragic sports car accident that took the life of a local businessman earlier this week, the Beavercreek community was left in stunned disbelief when a subsequent investigation revealed that driver Hershel Breigart was in possession of a perfectly average sized penis.

The crash occurred late Saturday night when Breigart’s electric yellow Dodge Viper lost control and veered off I-675 in what the news initially reported to be a clear case of impotent overcompensation. Emergency crews say the scene of the accident was one of confusion.

“The call we got over the radio was a flashy 8-liter had smashed into the median, so immediately we’re prepping for an adult male with a baby dick,” explained Phil Carlyle, the first EMT on the scene. “But that was easily the largest dong we’ve ever pulled from a mangled two-seater.”

Early Tuesday, the Montgomery County Coroner’s Office confirmed that at the time of the accident, Breigart’s penis was .5 inches over the legal definition of average.

Following the Coroner’s report, Breigart’s family says they were left asking the question “why?” “If Hersh was packing a baby carrot that’s one thing,” reflected Tammy Breigart, Hershel’s sister. “Six and a half inches though? Jesus, he should have been driving a Toyota Camry.”

Friend Steve Kaumeyer, who worked with Breigart as a nutritional supplement salesman, says he’s trying to find the silver lining. “While it hurts me to know Hersh’s life was too short, I take solace in the knowledge his dingus wasn’t.”