Man Starting to Wonder if Girlfriend Just Using Him to Live Happy, Fulfilling Life Together

CHICAGO, IL—Responding to a series of increasingly obvious red flags, graphic designer Jared Hershel, 31, says he is beginning to suspect his girlfriend Natalie Perez, 29, may be secretly exploiting him for long-term emotional satisfaction.

Hershel told reporters he first suspected an ulterior motive last night when Perez said she didn’t care what movie they watched, “as long as they could snuggle together on the couch.” Perez’s eyes then drifted from the Netflix selection screen to a framed photo of them hiking the Appalachian Trail, a trip he had surprised her with for her birthday.

“I thought, hang on, is she just after my deep capacity for love and affection?” said Hershel.

According to Hershel, the revelation caps off a mounting pile of evidence to suggest Perez may harbor a greater interest in shared happiness than Hershel’s particular set of hobbies, political opinions, and personality quirks.

“At a certain point it’s like, does she like me for me, or for my proven commitment to growing our relationship into a mutually beneficial bond that strengthens over time?” said Hershel.

“I mean, don’t get me wrong; I love spending time with her,” Hershel continued. “But if she’s only hanging around me because I make her laugh, comfort her when she’s sad, and go out of my way to make her feel safe, beautiful, and appreciated; well, then fuck that shit.”