Massive Doping Program Uncovered in Russian Philharmonic Orchestra

MOSCOW — Russia once again found itself the subject of controversy today after an international antidoping watchdog released evidence of a sophisticated doping program in the nation’s Symphony Orchestra.

Lead investigator Jochen Horst told reporters the probe is ongoing, but there is irrefutable proof the Russians used illegal drugs to enhance tempo, fortissimo, and conducting endurance, securing the country’s dominance over ensemble classical music for more than a decade.

“These are pieces that have been around for hundreds of years, and suddenly this Russian orchestra is shaving minutes off of them,” said Horst. “It’s perverting the form; these songs were intended to be punishingly slow.”

Key whistleblower Blair Tindall says she first became suspicious of Russian foul play at a music festival in 2015. “It was the first time I’d ever seen a viola player with bacne,” recalled the Canadian oboist. “Another one of the soloists later smashed his cello against the stage and crotch-chopped the audience. You could tell something was off.”

The subterfuge included smuggling clean urine inside of flutes and bribing officials with sexual favors from the french horn section.

“It’s the biggest scandal to hit competitive orchestra since George Frideric Handel was caught lip-syncing the chorus to ‘Hallelujah’,” explained Horst. “This entire era of concert hall music will need to have an asterisk next to it.”