Restroom “Far”, Lies First Date Pooper

QUEENS—Returning to his table after a lengthy absence, 31-year-old Mark Fischer was heard grossly exaggerating the distance he just traveled to and from the men’s bathroom of the Queens Central Mall Cheesecake Factory.

“Man, that bathroom was crazy far,” lied Fischer. “I had to go out into the mall and up two floors.”

Fischer, having excused himself a full 11 minutes earlier to “wash his hands”, had in fact spent the majority of his hiatus feverishly defecating into a toilet less than 15 yards from Allison Brent, his 27-year-old former coworker and hopeful sexual partner.

“Plus the elevator was broken so I had to find the stairs,” continued Fischer untruthfully, still sweating from abdominal strain and fear of discovery. “Kind of got a workout, I guess!”