The Minute Enlightenment: North Korean Nukes Can Reach the USA

The Hottest News From the Holiest Sources

Pyongyang claims it’s carried out its first successful test of an intercontinental ballistic missile that appears to be capable of striking Alaska. We asked for guidance from three top spiritual advisors:

“The ability to annihilate human civilization used to be something special, but now it seems like any old megalomaniacal despot can do it.”

Marshall Peabody • Cult Leader

“The joke is on Kim Jong-un, we weren’t using Alaska anyways.”

Gobind Singh • Semi-Professional Guru

“I would advise Kim to turn the other cheek, but I don’t think even he can distinguish where those cheeks begin or end.”

Sunflower Schmidt • Honest-to-God Druid