The Minute Enlightenment: The Hottest News From the Holiest Sources

Following the recent United Airlines debacle Delta announced that it will offer customers up to $10,000 for relinquishing their seats on overbooked flights. We asked for guidance from three top spiritual advisors:

“Come my flock, together we shall transcend this plane of existence! First though, let us all board a plane to Houston and check if this particular earthly reward is legit or not.”

Marshall Peabody • Cult Leader

“It is this sort of altruism that led our all-powerful God to finally turn corporations into people.”

Gobind Singh • Semi-Professional Guru

“Man who takes cash in hand, avoids foot in ass.”

Sunflower Schmidt • Honest-to-God Druid