Trump Explains Mar-a-Lago Visits: “It’s The Only Place I Can Poop”
WASHINGTON, DC—Defending allegations that his frequent trips to Mar-a-Lago put an extravagant burden on taxpayers, President Trump finally revealed why he insists on flying his entire staff 1,000 miles away from the White House to his lavish Florida resort nearly every weekend:
“It’s the only place I can poop,” said the President.
“Look, there’s this one toilet on the second floor next to the master bedroom,” continued President Trump, speaking to reporters at a hastily assembled press conference yesterday afternoon. “Magnificent piece of porcelain. Gold leaf everywhere. Mother of pearl flusher. Just a tremendous place to pinch a loaf. The seat just fits my butt so good. Like you wouldn’t believe. I can’t go anywhere else.”
According to Trump, since his inauguration on January 20th, he has pooped zero times in any of the White House’s 35 bathrooms.
“It’s too stressful there,” said the President. “Everyone’s badgering me, trying to rush me out of the pooper so I can authorize something or meet someone or read some urgent briefing. It’s a witch hunt on my anus! I can’t squeeze anything out.”
“Plus the whole building is government-owned.” added the President. “I didn’t win by a landslide just so I can drop logs—and mine are the best, fantastic, there’s no issue there, ask anyone—in a filthy public stall, okay?”
“New York’s no good either,” continued President Trump. “Too many protestors. My butt won’t open if it hears protestors. It’s insane. Mar-a-Lago is literally the only place in the world I can take a poop. Sad!”
Surgeon General Sylvia Trent-Adams also spoke at the press conference, defending the President’s lower intestinal function as normal if slightly eccentric.
“A lot of Americans have trouble pooping at work,” said Trent-Adams. “The President has his favorite toilet just like everyone else. His just happens to be in a 110,000-square-foot mansion in Palm Beach.”
CNN political commentator Van Jones called President Trump’s admission a “revelation”.
“This explains quite a lot, if you think about it,” said Jones while appearing on The Lead with Jake Tapper. “Not just why the president visits Florida so often, but why he demands short intelligence briefings, why he hates foreign travel, and why he makes that face all the time.”
“Given what we know now, I think it’s time we cut Trump some slack,” added Jones. “Let’s give him a chance to lead. And to poop.”
