Trump Urges America to Give Russia a 73rd Chance

WASHINGTON, DC — Standing in the White House kitchen this morning, President Trump made an impassioned plea for America to look beyond the decades of Russian betrayals and efforts to undermine Western democracy, and instead of cutting ties for good, to find the compassion to give Russia just one more chance to make things right.

“Hey, Russia screwed up big time. There is no denying they are in the wrong on this one, and on all those other ones,” offered the President with a shrug. “But what good is sanctioning Russia when it has already spent so much time sanctioning itself?”

Lowering his voice, Trump explained that he had spoken candidly with America’s estranged adversary during the recent G20 summit. “I don’t want to get into details, but Russia has a lot of shit it’s dealing with at the moment. It’s got way too much inner turmoil to notice who else it is hurting.”

Trump then pointed out that America seemed to be its best self when it was with Russia. “It’s great you have your independence, sure, but being the world’s sole superpower can get awfully lonely sometimes.”

“All I’m saying is that, in spite of Russia’s repeated attempts to erode America’s legitimacy, security, and power, don’t lose sight of the most important power of all,” said Trump matter-of-factly before taking a taking a sip of coffee. “The power to forgive.”

“No need to make any decisions right now. In the meantime, we have a huge domestic agenda to focus on,” concluded the President. “When America is ready to let bygones be bygones, I’ll have a secret back channel ready.”