Trumpcare ‘Dead on Arrival’ After Failing to Receive Coverage Under Trumpcare
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Mourners gathered at the Capitol Building this afternoon to pay their final respects to The American Health Care Act, which died on Monday after losing its battle with late-stage unpopularity. The deceased bill, dubbed “Trumpcare” by those close to it, was unveiled last week by House Republicans only to be diagnosed with the congenital defect moments afterwards. But what makes its supporters bristle: the bill did not have to die.
“If it had received treatment, absolutely Trumpcare would still be here,” said Republican Rep. Greg Walden, pausing to wipe his eyes with a handkerchief. “It’s the knowledge that it could have led a long and fruitful life that keeps me up at night. Also the Pharma lobbyist standing outside my bedroom window.”
Experts from the Congressional Budget Office explained that a failure by Trumpcare to prove its fiscal responsibility led to it being qualified as “poor”, a designation no longer covered under Trumpcare, which contained significant cuts in assistance to low income groups. With treatment far out of reach, supporter Kevin Brady says the only option was to let the bill succumb to its fate. “It was a bright light of inspiration for us all until its final moments. At that point it became a selfish, welfare leech suckling at the teet of government.”
Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, who carried the law to term, said that its loss was a bittersweet moment. “I’m absolutely crestfallen over Trumpcare’s demise,” reflected the Congressman. “But I’m also thrilled with its ruthless efficacy. This week has been a real rollercoaster of emotion.”
Notably absent at the viewing was President Trump, who continues to refute speculation that the bill is his. Asked for comment, a Whitehouse spokesperson denied the rumors, “Speaker Ryan can call it ‘Trumpcare’ all he wants, but it’s common knowledge that he’s been opening his office to every lawmaker in the greater DC area. We request the President be left out of this.”
