Uber CEO Reassures Stakeholders That Company’s Demise Will Probably Inspire Oscar-Winning Film
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—In an effort to boost morale after an embarrassing series of scandals this year, Uber CEO Travis Kalanick held a press conference yesterday to reassure his employees, investors, and customers that Uber’s inevitable descent into bankruptcy will almost certainly result in a critically acclaimed Hollywood film.
“It’s been dark times for Uber, let’s be honest,” began Kalanick, speaking to a crowded room of reporters and shareholders. “We’ve been charged with multiple counts of sexual harassment, discrimination, and systematically undermining competitors. But if David Fincher can’t translate that drama into an artfully-paced, heart-pumping thriller, goddammit, I’ll resign right now.”
“Remember that video of me in a shouting match with one of our drivers?” Kalanick continued. “Now imagine it with Aaron Sorkin dialogue. Boom! That’s Oscar-bait, baby!”
Kalanick then addressed the hundreds of thousands of Uber drivers around the world, many of whom work more than 18 hours a day to earn a living.
“I know you all have a lot on your minds right now: What you’re going to do when Uber completely dissolves, how you’re going to pay your bills, and who’s going to play me in the film,” added Kalanick. “Please be assured that if George Clooney isn’t available, someone equally talented will get that opportunity. Ideally someone like Jeffrey Dean Morgan who can pull off the silver fox/bad boy vibe. Actually, you know who could really nail this, is Kyle Chandler from Friday Night Lights. Have you seen him in Bloodline? That guy deserves a lead film role, and if portraying me driving this company into the ground over the course of 90 riveting minutes doesn’t earn him an Oscar nod, I don’t know what will.”
“I swear to god, if that sniveling punk Jesse Eisenberg even touches this thing…” said Kalanick, trailing off, his hands tightening into fists.
Kalanick later reaffirmed to a concerned audience that he would remain available for a cameo in the film, perhaps as a protester holding a “#deleteUber” sign, or as an FBI agent raiding Uber’s corporate headquarters after the entire senior management is indicted in some horrific human trafficking scandal to be uncovered next month.
“To the thousands of Uber employees worried they’ll be forced to watch this epic tale of corporate decay from the sidelines,” Kalanick added, “please rest assured there will be plenty of roles for extras, assuming you have your updated SAG membership cards and accommodation in LA for 2 months.”
Research from industry analysts largely support the CEO’s predictions, saying Uber’s downward PR spiral and dwindling stock prices are prime fodder for at least one major Hollywood release or potentially a 10-part Netflix documentary. Speculating on the title, financial experts agreed it would be something thematically appropriate but vaguely sinister, like Driven, Black, or Surge.