50 things I’ve learned from being a dad for 1,200 days
1. Life becomes simpler, but not easier.
Before I go on, I’d just like to give a bit of context:
I became a father at the ripe, old age of 23. Needless to say, the last three and a bit years have been a roller coaster ride of emotions: frustration, fear, joy, peace, paranoia and relief.
Being a young dad has been my greatest challenge to date. It’s only going to get more challenging, but I get so much fulfillment out of it that I wouldn’t have it any other way.
For any other new/young fathers reading this, I hope it sets you up for what’s to come. It’s a story in progress…
Let us resume.
2. You become so much more thankful for your parents.
3. You realize that your parents weren’t perfect, but they did the best they could.
4. You become more conscious of the time you spend away from them.
5. It’s true: they do grow up too quickly.
6. You become painfully aware that you’re not growing enough as an adult.
7. You feel the pain of other parents on public transport with screaming children and empathize.
8. You have never been so happy to see poop — especially if they haven’t been potty for three days.
9. You care less when they pee on the bed (it’s sterile anyway).
10. Potty training is scary but only as scary as you want it to be (for you and for the kid).
11. You immediately regret it after hitting your child.
12. You realize how much you’re rushing through life — kids are masters of living in the moment.
13. It’s OK to be angry at them. Bottling it in can do more harm than good.
14. If they give you their toy phone to answer, you had better damn answer the call.
15. You really have to resist the urge to shove a life onto your kid. It was never their choice to be born. The least you can give them is some freedom in their life. As someone raised to go in certain directions, this is something I’ve had to reign in.
16. As soon as they’re born, they’re little spirit beings. The older they get, the more they lose that light. Protect that light for as long as you can.
17. The best thing you can do for them as a parent is teach them to think for themselves. Give them the gift of meta-cognition and they’ll be able to get through pretty much everything life throws at them.
18. You are the biggest influence on their education. They will copy what you do and say.
19. When you carry them, it could be the last time. They’ll either be too big, not want you to carry them or you might not be strong enough. Cherish it.
20. Every bad thing they do is an opportunity for growth. For your child and for you. It all depends on how you react.
21. If you punish them every time they make a mistake, they’re going to be afraid of failure. If you want them to be successful, they have to feel comfortable with failing.
22. You and your partner will talk to each other in your kid’s language using their made up words even when they’re not around. Be prepared.
23. Always bring a spare pair of pants when going out. Always.
24. Eating McDonald’s will become happy again.
25. It’s important to have quiet time to yourself. If you need it, just take it. Parenthood is all about energy management. Make sure you don’t get completely drained.
26. If you can’t tell people that you meet that you have a child, you have a problem. Either you’re not comfortable with the idea, or it’s something you’re not proud of. Fix this; it’s not the kid’s fault that you feel this way.
27. Kids love — and need — routine. That’s what helps them grow. They also need to challenge themselves everyday. Come to think about it, adults should adopt the same mentality to prevent stagnation.
28. Your wife can be a partner and a mother at the same time. She doesn’t just morph into the latter. Remind her why you chose one another every now and again.
29. I thought I would miss my daughter’s toothless, baby smile. Turns out her toothy, toddler smile is just as attractive.
30. Smiling is a natural thing for kids. Make sure they keep doing this. Pretty soon, they’re going to learn how to smile “socially”, e.g. for the camera. Keep it real.
31. Don’t freak out if they fall over. It’s better they hurt themselves on your watch. Eventually, they’ll try and hide it from you.
Teach them that it’s OK to feel hurt — you don’t want to end up with a kid who bottles up or numbs themselves on the inside.
32. They may cry for “no reason”. They usually have a reason; they’ll try and tell you. Be patient and learn to read their cries.
33. Don’t feel bad if your child isn’t growing up “normal”. So what if they’re still breastfeeding? So what if they still co-sleep? So what if they can’t read or speak yet?
Your anxiety speaks to them what words cannot. Kids will always learn from their parents — you’ll be unconsciously teaching them that worrying for no reason is normal.
34. They will teach you how to use your imagination again.
35. It’s normal for your child to be kicking and screaming if they’re with unfamiliar people. A pediatrician told me that around two years of age, this is expected behavior. They’ll start growing out of that around three.
36. You eventually will give in and let them watch YouTube and play on your iPhone. It’s OK. The Internet has taught her the alphabet, how to count, colors and introduced her to some of my childhood favorites (Pingu anyone?).
Just don’t let them watch it all the time. If you find that they’re getting irritated, be firm and take it away from them. I’ve spoken with other parents whose kids experienced this, and they were 10.
37. Do not let them watch/play with technology before they go to bed. When you take it away, this can send them on a rampage. It does for Evie, anyway.
38. Your kid will have more clothes than you. You will need to buy more baby clothes hangers. A lot more.
39. You know you have been playing Candy Crush on your phone when your 3-year-old tells you, “Daddy, stop looking at your phone”.
40. If there is a good washing day, wash all the clothes (and her blanket that she’s been pulling along the floor).
41. I was once standing in line at the pharmacy. A mum in front of me smiled at my daughter (aged 1 at the time). I asked her: “so, what do I have to look forward to?”
I’ll never forget her wry response:
“When they’re 9, they think they’re 18. They want to grow up fast. Keep them kids as long as possible because society will rush them into adulthood.”
42. There’s a fine line between providing for them and giving everything that they want. Don’t do the latter just to shut them up; it will be damaging for them in the long run.
43. Don’t put your head right over them while they’re squatting. Toddlers are able to spring up lightening fast and smash into your chin or face. Last time Evie did that, my nose took a week to feel like it was back in place.
44. You buy a lot of crap that ends up being useless. Here are the things we bought that ended up being godsends:
- going out bag,
- carrier that you can wear and slot baby in to (front),
- baby bath tub,
- portable potties (bought these when we went travelling. Consisted of a sturdy cardboard frame and plastic bag. Ask me if you want to know where we bought these).
Here are things that ended up being a waste of money:
- changing table,
- baby bouncer,
- velcro padding to protect baby inside cot,
- baby swaddle bag (used it once, she hated it),
- toys (she needs love, god damn it),
45. Don’t believe the hype about expensive strollers/prams. It’s all marketing. Get one that suits your purpose. The most important thing is that it’s portable, easy to fold up and put away. Shouldn’t be too heavy either.
46. Kids will start showing pride from two onwards. They want acknowledgement for their efforts, be it walking, pooping, drawing, etc. In this period, their ego is forming. It’s your responsibility as a parent to nurture it.
Gentle encourage them for more and they’ll constantly surprise you and themselves for what they can accomplish.
47. You will develop Superman hearing in the early days. Every whimper, sneeze and breath you’ll be able to hear from the other side of the house.
48. Stop beating yourself up if you’re not able to give the life you want to your kids. Yes, strive for more, keep the lofty goal in mind and back yourself to achieve it.
But realize that now is all you’ve got with your kids. They want — no, need — you right here, right now. Be present and live in their world. That’s more important than giving them expensive toys and the high life.
49. Comparison is the thief of joy.
Don’t compare your kids to others. It’s normal to compare, but when it’s done constantly, it makes your kids — and yourself — jaded.
It’s an arms race where you can only lose. Want them to be elite? Teach them to compare themselves to themselves. It’s the only comparison that matters.
50. Last but not least:
You don’t have to enjoy every second of it. Some of the more rewarding times are when you feel the worst.
It’s like the big bang: the explosion of birth brings about a myriad of different traits, features, quirks and habits that make your kid unique. You can’t quite explain it, but it’s amazing to watch.
Stay waist deep in parenthood, wade out and rest on the bank to catch your breath, but you have to wade back in.
Parenthood is a beautiful mess.
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