This is my first blog since my wife Claire passed away 15 months ago. It’s a new page on a new site because life gives you no choice but to keep going. For good or bad, as long as your heart is beating and brain functioning, you have to make decisions and choices every day. Either you sit back and let life happen to you until you’re done, or you happen to life and find new meaning.
The last 15 months have felt like a phase of processing, staying positive while wrestling with my new best friend, grief. Grief beats the shit out of you when it comes. It drowns you, numbs you, makes you angry, furious, livid. You find ways to deal with it. Running helped me burn it off. Music helped me transform it. To look at what I had instead of what I lost. To keep Claire’s light radiating instead of letting darkness overwhelm me. You learn to hang on to joy as long as you can until the dark reminders come back to haunt you. And so the cycle goes. It’s a roller coaster that makes you sympathize with people suffering from schizophrenia. When you feel happy you also feel sad because you can’t share that happiness with the person you love the most. Specially when that person took nothing for granted. Claire celebrated every little thing life brought our way. She even got excited about junk mail. That was my Clairebear. Her absence is a massive hole in my world. So I surround myself with her pictures. I refuse to let her go.
But time is like ocean water washing over this pain. In the beginning you want time to stop. You want everyone on the planet to stop going about their business and realize what the fuck happened. But time keeps moving. Cold and merciless. People still drive, and eat, and go to work. Fuck! You’re even guilty of living yourself. Denial is our first defense. But you can’t escape. And with time, you slowly process that this is life. If we’re lucky enough to live long lives, then we’re bound to face this pain eventually. In our case, it came early, and I’m still angry because it was cruel. But I look around me, at my dear friends who are now having babies, and I see new hope, new life. The way these little creations look around them, with such curiosity, makes me want to actively participate in this journey again, carrying the torch for Claire in her new form as my new engine. I want to learn everyday. I want to create every day. I want to feed my curiosity. I want to celebrate our amazing group of friends. And I want to channel my anger into positive energy to connect with life. Just like Claire taught me.
So here’s a new blog to share my thoughts on life, on creativity, and the things I love: writing, making movies, and inhaling music.