Celebrate Your Way Through Life
[Author’s note: This post is a chapter of my forthcoming book
RESET: Building Purpose in the Age of Digital Distraction]
Chapter Fifteen: Celebrate
When do I get to admire my work?
“Every day I feel is a blessing from God. And I consider it a new beginning. Yeah, everything is beautiful.”
Prince, American Musician and Songwriter
My friend Tariq had an unusual upbringing. His parents were a part of a very tight knit black community in Washington, D.C. Tariq and his brothers all spent a lot of time doing community service projects, going out on camping trips, and being educated about their distinct identity and legacy.
Education was the bedrock of Tariq’s childhood. One of the culminating events of his early life was high school graduation. His family is originally from Cuba, and in their culture it was a huge deal — massive, really — that Tariq was going off to college.
The entire community was invited to a blow-out party to celebrate Tariq’s graduation. In front of everyone, his dad gave him a sack that was traditionally used by Cuban sugar cane workers. The bag contained a machete and some other tools, each with its own significance. Tariq’s dad made the most of the occasion, explaining the full story of every item in the bag while Tariq waited for him to finish with the stereotypical impatience of a teenager.
This ritual was obviously an important symbolic gesture for his dad. He stood proudly in front of the community, talking about his son and the legacy of their family.
Tariq didn’t understand or appreciate it at the time, but now he is so grateful for the memory of that day. It’s an important connection to his past, which gives him deeper confidence in his identity as a man, a member of his family, and as a part of larger community with shared history and values.
Graduations are often a big deal for families, especially if they put a lot of emphasis on education. Even though it may only be an intermediate step before college and then perhaps graduate school, it is still worth celebrating. Financially and socially, Tariq’s father went out of his way to commemorate this milestone. And we all have something to learn from this profound act.
End Of Tour
Despite its conservative brand, the military is surprisingly good at celebrations. Its leaders learned a long time ago about the importance of taking an occasional break to blow off some steam. You have to keep people at the top of their game when the stakes are so high.
The most common example of a military celebration is when someone leaves a unit. This comes at the end of a tour of duty, which is usually three years or so. Everyone joins in the party, sharing funny or compelling stories about the person. And there is usually some kind of plaque or other symbolic item for the person to keep as a physical token of this period.
These events reinforce the value of the unit’s mission, and its members. People tell and retell the stories that make up their identities. Each story is an exaggerated example of the values they want to pass on to the next generation.
These events allow the older members of the unit to reflect on their legacy and how it needs to be preserved. Of course, the younger members of the unit sit quietly, like Tariq at his high school graduation. They may not understand or appreciate the event at the time, but they are still soaking it in.
Time Off
Life is about purpose, and the people whose lives we touch. And yet the digital world will undermine this perspective by making us feel inadequate. Nothing robs us of our satisfaction like photoshopping. We cannot be proud of our accomplishments while being bombarded by a swarm of humble brags and filtered selfies. Our own accomplishments seem pale in comparison to the imagined lives of our digital “friends”.
The reverse is also true, tragically. We share the same types of fantasies in our own feeds, with predictable results. Our followers now feel just as inadequate as we do! Social media erodes everyone’s satisfaction, not just yours and mine.
That’s the reality of our world right now, yet we still have to find some semblance of balance. Somehow we must give ourselves regular opportunities to celebrate progress toward our goals. Celebrations restore our souls, renew our commitment, and provide an opportunity to deepen connections with the people we care about.
Except that we don’t actually do this. At least the combination of personal experience and data seem to indicate that we don’t. Can you believe that we only take half of our available vacation time in the United States? Half! That statistic should scare all of us.
We actually seem to avoid celebrations, telling ourselves that we’ll take a break “later” or “tomorrow”, and these days never come. Vacation becomes a shadowy concept, something that exists off in the future. And the fact that we will — eventually — take vacation means that we are kill ourselves here and now.
By letting us live in an unsustainable way, the concept of vacation has become a toxic influence. We can’t outsource fulfillment to two weeks out of the year. And that’s especially when we don’t take the time off anyway!
A fulfilling life doesn’t ask us to behave in an unbalanced way. We can’t always be driving forward. Like anything in this world, our progress has a natural rhythm. A flow. There are appropriate times to pause, reflect, and smile. It doesn’t matter that there are more challenges waiting for us up ahead. We still need to take stock of where we started and acknowledge how far we’ve come.
A brief pause can work miracles. The silence lets us appreciate the noise.
Giving Thanks
After my wife and I wrapped up the first Lagos Garage program in late 2014, we still had a few weeks in Nigeria to spend with her family.
Someone at GE suggested that we connect with the Tony Elumelu Foundation. This was the charitable arm of a Nigerian billionaire’s empire. The foundation had recently hired a British woman to head their entrepreneurship program. Apparently she was looking for some experienced people with a background in training and curriculum development.
The initial meeting — which took place the day before we left Nigeria — went well, but we did not have time to follow up in person. The rest of our communication took place via email and Skype. They were trying to figure out if we were good enough to develop the curriculum and content for their flagship effort, a 12-week training program serving as a de facto MBA for 1,000 African entrepreneurs over the next decade.
This was the perfect opportunity for us. We had the right skillset and on-the-ground experience to build them a phenomenal program customized to the reality facing entrepreneurs across the continent. We knew exactly how to deliver on the Tony Elumelu’s dramatic vision of developing Africa through entrepreneurship.
After bouncing the proposal back and forth for several weeks, we finally signed a deal in early 2015. It was everything we could have hoped for: a great mission, tight timeline, plenty of resources, and creative space to build something unique. And it was our biggest contract up to that point. Dara and I were on fire!
I remember the moment I turned to tell her that the contract was signed and we were ready to go. She looked so proud, I felt great, and everything was right with the world. And do you what we did to celebrate this incredible blessing?
Absolutely nothing.
We didn’t celebrate at all. No dinner. No day trip. No weekend away together. We just plowed into the program. And we didn’t celebrate when we finished, either. We just moved onto the next thing, which turned out to be her job at Apple. That project was the last time we were able to work together.
Looking back, that was one of my biggest mistakes in our early marriage. It would have been the biggest, but I made sooooo many. It’s hard to pick out just one as the worst. Sigh.
I didn’t just miss one important chance to celebrate with my wife. I missed two: signing the contract, and successfully completing it. I was on track to become one of those worker bees again, so consumed with professional busy-ness that I never got around to savoring the worthy parts of life.
Why did this happen? Because I was obsessed with applying all the tools of a RESET to prove how much I was capable of. My mission slipped. It became about me, not the hard work of my team or the needs of the thousands of entrepreneurs that I was there to serve.
Begin At The Ending
These days I start new projects by planning a party at the end. A good capstone event is critical to the project’s overall success, so I make sure to celebrate.
Along with the finale, I set up smaller events to correspond with a series of intermediate milestones. Each celebration brings together my team and reminds them all why they are working on this project. It establishes or deepens their connection to one another, and to the broader mission. Celebrations are worth it, whatever the cost.
Celebrating is the last piece of the puzzle. Why? Because it confidently predicts that you have something to celebrate. It assumes that you will triumph. And that is exactly what you should be expecting once you RESET. Without this belief you will be stuck trying to prove something, not enjoying the daily experience of working toward a worthwhile objective.
Never underestimate your ability to set and reach goals. You are virtually guaranteed to get there once you have the right mindset, a focus on daily habits, and a support network.
The Temptations
RESETTING is hard, but worth it. We now understand the level of commitment required for us to find purpose based on a compelling mission, daily action, a supportive structure, and strong community. A lifetime of daily achievement will naturally result if you follow the principles and pathways laid out in this book.
On the other side of your RESET is long-term fulfillment. And that is wonderful thing. We can all appreciate seeing a pathway toward success. But this is not the whole story. There is danger to RESETTING, particularly after we start seeing the fruits of our labor.
Like me during the project for the Tony Elumelu Foundation, you may be tempted to swing the pendulum all the way to the other side. Instead of wasting time in a distracted stupor, we can become obsessed with pushing ahead at all costs. We may start measuring all our activities, treating everything like a work project, and trying to optimize things like quality time with family and close friends. This obsession ultimately diverts us from our true purpose, instead taking us down an unfulfilling path.
There is no contentment in relentless self-improvement or personal accomplishment. We cannot find satisfaction by referring only to ourselves. That is too narrow a view of life, which is why we must constantly involve other people in our daily actions. It could be teaching them, learning from them, or cheering them on. Whatever the activity, our mindset must retain a focus on creating value in the lives of others despite the distractions of the digital world.
Ultimately you are the only person who can choose purpose for yourself. To take on this responsibility, you must create this essential set of missions, actions, structure, and community. That’s what it means to RESET.
Remember that success is not about being perfect. Success is about risking some important part of your soul on a worthy cause, day after day. If you’re taking meaningful action that benefits others, then you’re succeeding. So be sure to celebrate all along the way. This kind of healthy rhythm will sustain you through life.
What to remember about “Celebrate”
- We have to embrace the natural rhythms of our lives
- Celebrations are often neglected but they are incredibly motivating
- Take the time to celebrate in big and small ways for every goal you set
Actions that require under 30 minutes
- Write yourself an email with the subject “My Success” that lists any of the following goals you want to achieve within the next three months: a physical milestone; a financial milestone; a creative milestone; or a professional milestone. Write down what you will do to celebrate that milestone when it is achieved. Include where and when, and the people you will celebrate with.
- Identify one thing about a friend’s life that you can celebrate right now. Scroll through social media feeds if you’re having trouble coming up with something. Call or message that person. Tell them you want to plan a celebration for them, and ask them to name a time and date when they are free. Invite all your mutual friends if you feel like making it a larger event.
