Confront What Holds You Back
[Author’s note: This post is a chapter of my forthcoming book
RESET: Building Purpose in the Age of Digital Distraction]
Chapter Five: Reset
How badly do I really want to change?
Sometimes when you’re overwhelmed by a situation — when you’re in the darkest of darkness — that’s when your priorities are reordered.
- Phoebe Snow, American Singer and Songwriter
You and I are exploring some deep questions that are unique to life in the digital world. How do we avoid the infinite distractions flying at us from every direction? How can we motivate ourselves without burning out in a hyperconnected society? How do we feel good about our lives when everyone else seems to be doing better than us?
This can seem overwhelming, but it doesn’t have to be. Effectively reconstructing your life starts with one profound shift. It will feel like an earthquake inside your soul, reorienting you toward life in a completely different way. That’s you, starting over.
Resetting.
False Start
Your mindset and daily habits are the hidden forces holding you back. Growing up, we are told a confusing blend of stories by family, friends, the media, and other authority figures. Everything we’ve discussed over the previous four chapters (Mental Obesity; Becoming Obsolete in the Digital World; Photoshopping Our Lives; & The Internet as a Distraction Machine).
The symphony of half-truths from all these sources infect each of us from an early age. Most of the assumptions — more information is always good, education can be quantified, schooling must be based on hours sitting in a chair — are mismatched to the evolving world. That means the advice based on those assumptions is also suspect. Even though the advice is delivered by good people with good intentions, the overall effect is still negative.
Most of us ended up believing in boundaries, not possibilities. Rules, not inspiration. Checking the box, not creating beauty and meaning. These are the beliefs that will betray us when we try to build a good life for ourselves in the digital world.
We have to shake off the mindset of scarcity and limitations. We must take a look — maybe the first honest look — at our lives as adults. Are we getting what we want? Do our actions sync with our goals? Are we confident in our ability to thrive? Are we even confident that we can survive from one day to the next?
Of course, it’s not your fault that you aren’t prepared for the digital world. You didn’t create modern society any more than I did. But that doesn’t excuse us from trying. Each of us bears the responsibility to do something about our unique situation. (That one blunt fact is not even remotely fair, but it is true.)
Accepting responsibility for what you can control — your mindset and daily behavior — is where we all start. There is so much good waiting for you, and it will flow from this moment of radical choice. You will be free to build a life that actually takes you in the right direction. You will take powerful action and build support structures that drive you toward success.
But first you need to reset.
A Cab Ride
My friend Justin is a fascinating guy. He has gone through a lot in a short life, coming out of the military to community college and on to the Ivy League. He made the leap from finance to technology, and is enjoying a different set of work challenges. He is a thoughtful guy with a great wife, close family, and solid group of friends.
Of course his life isn’t perfect. I’m not trying to make you envious. We’re going to be inspired by him! Justin is an example of someone who was able to take their life to the next level by resetting. He shifted his perspective to one of personal responsibility and developed daily behaviors to support his goals.
Justin is from Illinois. He was a great football player in high school. Not NFL great, but definitely a local standout. One summer he and his team went to a training camp. After finishing up the grueling program, Justin and one of his buddies — also a top prospect — were waiting to take a cab to the airport. Some random guy walked up to them and asked if he could split the fare. Being poor high school students, they agreed.
It turns out that this guy was a recruiter for Princeton. A chance encounter turned into the potential for a big break! The first thing the recruiter did was ask them about their GPAs. Princeton puts the student before the athlete. Justin had a 3.5 and his buddy had a 4.0. Even though Justin was just as good an athlete, his 3.5 GPA was not going to cut it. The recruiter zeroed in on Justin’s friend, snagged his contact information, and eventually tried to entice him to Princeton with a scholarship.
Justin’s friend ended up going to a different Ivy League university, but it was that first conversation with a top-tier recruiter that opened his eyes. He started thinking about other great schools, not just the public options in Illinois. That cab ride had a huge impact on his life.
Meanwhile, Justin took a different path. He joined the Army for a couple of years then went to a community college back home. From there he pushed himself to find a path to a great university, eventually landing at Cornell. He went on to investment banking in New York after that, moved to San Francisco with his now-wife, and finally broke into a dream job in a fast-growing technology company. Fast forward a few years and he is the founder and CEO of his own startup!
Justin is on fire for his life, waking up every day with a sense of purpose and profound gratitude for the blessings he received.
Looking back, though, life threw Justin several curveballs. He had to scramble. A lot! It took him five years before he got to the same stage as his buddy right after high school. Like many of us, Justin had to take a long detour before he got back on track. In his case it was through the military. For others, the detour may be a dead-end job, the death of a family member, pursuing the wrong education program, a sudden illness, or living in a different country.
Hitting The Wall
The lesson from that cab ride was that Justin missed an important opportunity because he wasn’t prepared. The interaction with this recruiter totally blindsided him. And it was the first time he ran up against an unsurmountable wall in life. Like a lot of us, Justin could talk his way through most situations when he was growing up. But the Princeton recruiter did not want to negotiate. He had no interest in excuses or a sob story. So he ignored Justin completely.
Justin’s failure at that moment had nothing to do with his innate skills or abilities. On the contrary, he later proved that he was Ivy League material. The problem wasn’t his potential.
The problem was the gap. The gap between where he needed to be and where he was. And his mindset shifted completely when that gap became obvious to him. The situation was so obvious, how had he never seen it? Why hadn’t he taken responsibility for his grades? He wasn’t going to be transported magically to the school of his choice. Life doesn’t work that way.
That moment is something he thinks about every day. It’s become a key motivation for his journey, something he ponders when his motivation level drops.
Justin will never be caught unprepared again. He will be ready when the next great opportunity comes along. He will do whatever needs to be done to create the right conditions for him and his family. They will thrive because he will make sure of it. It’s up to him.
The Choice Of A Lifetime
This shift in mindset is the beginning of a reset. We have to deeply feel the need to change our lives. The pain of living every day like today is greater than the pain of working to change.
And there will be pain. We have to ignore the rest of the world that wants to excuse our behavior or let us wallow in self-pity. Instead, we look inside ourselves for strength. This is the fuel we burn as we overcome all the challenges that inevitably result when we try to live a meaningful life. Your reset will be powered by a fierce determination to matter, to yourself at first, and then to others.
Of course we won’t all have such a singular event. But ask yourself, what actually happened to Justin? He took a cab ride with two other guys. That is the most basic description of the event.
It was Justin who used that situation as fuel to power his reset. He had to choose to infuse that experience with meaning, and to keep coming back to it for years afterward. There are dozens of other moments in his life that could have served the same purpose. There is no perfect moment for you to reset.
Well, except right now.
Here is the truth that we all need to hear. We are the ones who give meaning to our short lives on Earth, not some other person or outside force. The events themselves can be more or less dramatic, but they happen quickly and then are in the past. What we call our lives are memories. They exist as a story we tell ourselves about where we came from.
Nothing is either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.
— William Shakespeare, Hamlet Act 2: Scene 2
It is our responsibility to circle back to these stories, look on them, and cherish them. We have to turn them over and over in our minds, like precious stones. That is a choice we must make, or avoid at our own peril. Why? Because the story we tell ourselves about our past is the prologue of the story that we tell ourselves about our future.
Turning Inward
The call to reset is personal and intensely emotional. Initially the focus must be internal. You should deeply feel the pain caused by the gap between your potential and your current situation. You have to embrace that feeling, however painful it is in the moment. The Marine Corps has a saying:
Pain is a marker that shows us where we are hiding our deepest fears and dreams.
The call to reset is the moment you say “Enough!” and expose all your built-up ugliness to the light of day. The things you have avoided your entire life. The things that scare you the most about yourself. The things of which you are ashamed. The things that cause you to procrastinate. The failures. The abuses. The sadness. The hurt.
Your reset is the moment you stop looking at the world as a source of your problems. Life is not something that happens to you. Life is something you choose to embrace.
You must claim radical responsibility for all of your failures as well as your successes. Every excuse that you’ve held onto for so long must be revealed as a lie. All the weight lies on your shoulders. You are the one who led you to the point in life where you are now. No one else can be blamed. And no else can do what you need to do now. This heartbreaking revelation is the beginning of something amazing, even if it doesn’t feel like it.
You’ve just stopped playing checkers, and started playing chess.
All In
Resetting won’t be simple, and it won’t be easy. There are long-held values to be examined, myths to be discarded. Often we aren’t even aware of how much we take for granted in the world. We marinate in the attitudes and indulgences of our own society, so we can’t see it objectively. There are so many expectations and norms. So much background noise that only confuses us.
You will have to reject some — possibly all — of the one-size-fits-all values. You will be surprised how often you were pursuing something for the wrong reasons. Stupid reasons, even.
Home ownership, does that make sense? Maybe, maybe not. Two weeks of vacation a year, does that make sense? Maybe, maybe not. Same thing for marriage. And kids. And your career.
Ask yourself, what will be the building blocks of my real life?
There is no such thing as a partial reset. Resetting is a fundamental reexamination of your life. It’s the radical step of taking full responsibility for the outcomes in every area of your life. And rather than being upset or annoyed, from now on you will expect that your actions will be neither easy for you nor popular with everyone else. When you take charge, it’s a reminder to everyone around you that this personal transformation is also an option for them.
Most of them will shy away from this profound choice. They will be confused or scared when they see you change and take on new behaviors. It won’t make sense to many of them because you will be making decisions based on a powerful but dangerous truth: you are in control…if you want to be.
Lurching Toward Real Life
I can close my eyes and think back to the days when my daily path was a downward spiral. My heart beats faster just dredging up those memories. Back then life seemed to be collapsing. I was in complete disarray. Each day felt worse than the one before.
I was definitely getting an “F” in life.
The feeling of dissatisfaction got worse — not better — after I decided to join the Marines, which we will talk about more in later chapters. This surprising reaction to an otherwise good decision was the first manifestation of my internal resistance to change. And it caught me completely off guard.
That’s how it feels during the early stages of a reset. It was actually easier to ignore my total lack of momentum before I had a goal! As soon as there was a destination I wanted to go, it became clear how far away I was. And then all my old rationalization mechanisms kicked in.
“You’re never going to make it. You aren’t tough enough.”
“They won’t accept someone like you. You don’t have what it takes.”
“Just sit back down on the couch. Watch some TV. You can go for a run later.”
We often struggle when we first accept the need to pursue meaningful goals. We are like children being forced to eat our vegetables. We kick. We scream. We stomp our feet and complain loudly that it isn’t fair. And the funny thing is, we are complaining to ourselves!
Push Past Ugly
There is a also tendency to beat up on ourselves when we begin a transformative journey. Our enthusiasm is high, but the results often lag behind our expectations. We look at our lives and start to assign blame for the lack of progress. We think to ourselves “I’m doing something wrong. How did this happen? I’m so far behind where I thought I would be.”
Of course that’s not fair, or very helpful either. Remember, the first step of any journey can be ugly. The first version of anything is going to suck! Remember the first time you tried to drive a car or do a calculus equation? Here’s Facebook in 2004:
I rest my case.
So don’t get discouraged by the awkward beginning phase. We all start as ugly duckling on our way to becoming swans. All the world ever shows you is the final product, perfectly packaged and gleaming on the shelf.
And how do you progress from the clumsy first version to something that makes you proud? Work at it. Actually, grind on it. There is no other way. It is the effort you put into the journey that makes the whole thing worth it.
Don’t let yourself believe the convenient lies that saturate our culture. You’re not going to trip and fall into a life of meaning and fulfillment. You won’t accidentally make a lot of money or find the perfect spouse. Life isn’t going to get any better unless you embrace the trials and tribulations. And that starts with aspiring to a better life.
This can be demotivating, especially in the short-term. Those comfortable lies that let you continue your downward slide are gone. Now you are tackling each challenge head-on, even if you don’t get it right the first time. But you keep going, putting one foot in front of the other.
Your reset, however long it takes, is that fundamental shift in your mindset from accepting the easy task of mindless consumption all the way to vigorously pursuing the meaningful and hard. And you must face a lot of hard truths to do that. Correct a lot of bad behavior. Make up for a lot of lost ground. Apologize to yourself and others for sacrificing your time at the altar of comfort and convenience.
While this may seem negative or self-critical, the early stages of a reset are actually a huge gift. You now have a heightened sensitivity to the world and your place in it. It’s a gift of perspective. Now can see what’s really happening in the world around you. You will notice the people who limp through life with their phone surgically attached to their hand, choking continuously.
The Few
Only a small group of people will ever break apart from the crowd of distracted sheep that we have become. In the case of the digital world, it will be this small group who thrive in an arena of endless possibilities.
Everyone else will be a cog, mindlessly feeding the machine.
We get to choose the group to which we belong. Some of us have this epiphany at ten years old. For others it may be in high school, or college. Maybe it was at your first job. Or it could happen when you move to a new town, lose a job, end a relationship, or begin a new one. Or, like many of us, you could still be waiting.
Let this be the moment that the truth finally sinks in deep enough to prompt serious action. You can pursue meaningful goals. You can adapt and thrive.
It’s tempting, but we cannot look to the digital world for answers to the hard questions. All we will find there is are illusions. Everyone is repeating the lie that an idealized life is actually possible. It’s an echo chamber full of distracted people and distorted advertising.
The digital world tells us that we should be living the perfect life right now. If we’re not, then we suck. Because anything is possible. Everything we need to know is right there! Of course that’s a lie. As circus clown-turned-entrepreneur — seriously — and Derek Sivers puts it:
If information is what mattered, we would all be billionaires with perfect abs!
You should recognize this as the mantra of the digital world. Everything needs to be perfect. Everything needs to be perfect. Everything needs to be PERFECT!!!!!! It’s the real-life version of “Everything Is Awesome” from The LEGO Movie.
Hard Truth
You can’t construct a fulfilling life out of humble brags and Photoshopped pictures posted to social media. Those things are meaningless — background noise. Remember that most of what you see in the digital world is designed to do only one thing: get your attention. You are the product, and you are worth a lot of money to those big advertising companies.
So don’t look outward. Turn inward instead. That is where you find the strength to change, first your mindset and then your behavior. Like Justin, you too can decide to build a new life from a particularly painful failure or missed opportunity. Like me, you will probably experience some discouraging moments before you break through. But man, is it worth it!
Resetting is the gateway to a fulfilling life. Now we need to who can show us what it takes to get there.
What to remember about “Reset”
- Each of us has a different journey to taking responsibility for our life
- We can be motivated by the gap between our potential and reality
- Resetting will force us to discard traditional views that no longer apply
Take five minutes to consider these questions
- Do you feel like you are close to operating at your full potential?
- Which fantasies do you cling to about your life?
- What are the forces, people, and constraints holding you back in life?
- How could you overcome these issues?
- What events in your life could motivate you to get started?
If you want to spend fourteen minutes learning more about resetting, watch Ruth Chang’s great TED talk “How to make hard choices”.
If you want to spend two hours learning more about resetting, watch The Matrix, or watch the three minute clip that spells out your choice to reset.
If you want to spend four hours learning more about the early struggles of resetting, read Steven Pressfield’s book The War of Art.
