Day 1

“Mama, do you LIKE smoking cigarettes?”
“…No…of course not…”
“So, then why do you do it?”

This is the conversation that unfolded last year on December 1 between myself and my [then] 4-year-old as I tucked her into bed.

And how do you respond to that?
…How do you explain a bad habit to a 4-year-old? How do you explain a 10 year addiction to a 4-year-old? How do you explain letting go of every other toxic substance I’d ever used to fill an emotional void, yet still feeling the need to desperately cling to this last horribly self-destructive crutch to a 4-year-old?
You don’t. …At least I didn’t.
I couldn’t.
I held her…and I cried…and I’m sure she was confused…

That conversation…though brief…was incredibly powerful.

Background:
I’d been a smoker since 16.
I’d witnessed smoking cause asthma, chronic bronchitis, COPD, and other health concerns to people I love dearly.
I, personally, am an asthmatic.
In 2009, I’d gone to treatment for substance abuse. In 2009, I became pregnant…and my doctors encouraged me to “cut back” on my smoking, because the risk of relapse outweighed the probability that I would actually be able to quit, if I’d attempted. “The lesser of two evils.” Regardless of how I word it…regardless of how I try to soften the truth or pretty it up…I continued to smoke throughout my pregnancy.
In 2010, by the grace of God, I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl…The same baby girl that would pose these questions 4 years later:

“Mama, do you LIKE smoking cigarettes?”
“…No…of course not…”
“So, then why do you do it?”

I know what they say about addiction. I know what they say about the addict. “No one can quit until (s)he is ready.” Yep. I get it. And it’s true. Kinda. …I can tell you with the utmost honesty: When I quit smoking at 8:00PM on December 1, 2014…I was ready. Actually, I wasn’t ready. I was scared. Actually, I was terrified. What edge would I have if I gave up cigarettes? What would I do in the car? What would I do on my break at work? …But, really…would I still be cool as a nonsmoker?

I thought for sure that I was going to fail just as I had done time and time again in months and years previous. BUT…this time was different. This time was different because it was made so abundantly clear that my destructive habit was not being passively watched, but contemplated by my child. And those thoughts are not the thoughts that I want racing through her mind as she closes her eyes to sleep at night.

I quit smoking for me…but I quit smoking because of my daughter.

…Before you know it, it’s 3 weeks down the road, and you’re sitting in the parking lot on the phone with your friend bawling your eyes out because you want a damn cigarette SOOO badly…she tells you to use deep breathing exercises…
…Before you know it, it’s 3 months down the road, and you’re sitting in the same scenario labeling yourself a failure because you just KNOW you’re going to break down and buy a pack of cigarettes…but you remember to use the deep breathing exercises…
…Before you know it, it’s 6 months down the road, and you’ve driven the 45 minute commute to work and you didn’t think of a cigarette once…
…Before you know it, it’s been a full year down the road…and you’ll smile…and you’ll feel proud…and you’ll feel grateful to be free of that.

…I just wanted to let you know, current smoker: Everyone starts with “Day 1.”