How to Quit When You Can’t Say No
And how to manage the crappy emotions afterwards
Have you ever found yourself here? At first, the idea or project someone pitched to you seemed great. You were excited. Elated even. You committed your time and energy to it. But suddenly, what seemed fun at first is no longer fun.
The work becomes more of a chore. You dreaded anytime the people you’re working with ask about an update or for you to do something. And yet, you can’t bring yourself to leave.
I’ve currently found myself in this position. I started off my semester on a blank slate. I wanted to give myself the opportunity to say yes when new opportunities came up.
But, before I knew it, I said yes one too many times
Somehow, I had found myself with 4 part time jobs that all required a significant time investment. I was working on a startup. And lets not forget that I’m also a full-time college student with a full course load.
Plus, I’m also a full-time friend, girlfriend, and daughter. I like to take care of my health. I like to go out of my way to meet new people. And I like to be there for all the people in my life as best as I can.
I forget that taking care of myself and others requires time and energy too
I’m a person that struggles to say no very often because I enjoy being someone who can help people, and I go out of my way to do it. I love being a “Yes Woman.”
Sometimes, that’s great and it leads me to amazing opportunities. Other times, I rope myself into less than stellar situations. And because I struggle to say no, I don’t know how to leave.
But as I’m in the process of working through my “Yes Woman” syndrome, I thought I’d share some insights about:
- Figuring out when you should consider quitting
- How to do it nicely
- How to mange the emotional guilt you may feel during or after ripping the bandaid
How to know when to quit
Sometimes it’s pretty obvious if you should quit. Everything about it is awful. You hate the work. The people. And yourself for agreeing to put yourself through all the shit in the first place.
But what about when you’re in that weird limbo phase? Where some things are bad but it’s not ALL bad. You get the one or two bright days that makes you think you can still do this. Those are the worst.
In trying to parse through the million and one things I’m doing and trying to figure out what opportunities I need to quit, I’ve come up with some handy metrics to decide if something is worth continuing or not. Hopefully they can help you too.
How’s your motivation doing?
Why are you doing the work in the first place? Are you motivated internally? Meaning, the work is fueling your creative drive. The problem you’re solving is up close and personal for you that you’d be working on it anyway. You enjoy the intellectual challenge of the project.
Or is your motivation coming from external resources which, when they go missing or are in short supply, makes doing the work a complete slog
When something good happens, you feel the high for a couple of days which makes the work less sloggy. But after the initial high is gone, are you dreading talking to your project mates again?
If the motivation is coming from everything but yourself, perhaps it’s time to reevaluate. One way I think of it is when a thousand obstacles hit the project, the business idea, or whatever you’re working on, and you find yourself wanting to crawl into a little hole to disappear more than wanting to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and powering through, you might need to quit.
When you have enough belief and motivation in something, no amount of no’s is going to stop you from working
What about the people?
You could be working on the greatest, most revolutionary idea there is. But if the people suck, the people suck. You’re probably spending a decent portion of your time with these peeps. If you cannot stand their existence (remember the old faithful airport test), then run. Seriously, run.
Life’s too short to work with shitty people
But what if there people are just so so. Not great but not amazing. To that I say, think of all the great people you’re missing out on working with because you chose to spend your time (one of the only finite resources in the world) with mediocre people.
You owe it to yourself to be surrounded by people who make you saw wow, not meh.
Will things get better: Is the short term awfulness worth it for the long term gain?
Sometimes, things are pretty shit in the short term but is worthwhile because there’s this gorgeous light at the end of the tunnel. Do you have enough in your reserve tanks to power you through all the things you hate doing right now because the long term gain is worth it?
Will the work drastically improve once you get to the long term gain? What if you never actually get to the long term goal? Is that time you’re willing to sacrifice not doing something else?
There are a few opportunities I’m working on where the short term work isn’t the most enjoyable but has major long term benefits. This requires me to consider my long term goals and how well my jobs and projects fall in line with them.
If there’s a very strong correlation between my goals and the long term benefits (and the people are good and some of my other criteria is met), I can work through the slog.
However, if there’s a mismatch, the long term benefit isn’t worth the pain.
There will always be other (and better) opportunities. Don’t limit yourself. Just think of Tinder. There’s always one more ;)
Opportunity cost: Is there something else you could be doing that you’re not, that you’d much rather be doing?
As someone with many ideas and curiosities, I always have to think of the opportunity costs of pursuing one project, idea, job over another. Similar to the short term vs long term, it’s incredibly important to be clear on your long term goals and what you want to eventually do.
For me, establishing a network around tech, building up skills around marketing, and learning more about starting businesses are the main things I focus on. While the short term tutor job teaching Koreans English was great for some extra crash on the side, it wasn’t really helping me accomplish any of my long term goals. So I decided to let it go.
Be brutally honest with yourself. I know it can be hard. Sometimes, it can be hard to say no to cash flow if you’re strapped for money. And if it is difficult for you to let go of opportunities due to other circumstances, see if there are other areas of your life where you can make time.
Additionally, is there an idea that’s nagging at you that you REALLY want to pursue but you’re just not finding the time? And are you starting to resent your current commitments for taking up your time? That’s probably another sign that you need to start quitting some things.
What are the consequences of quitting?
Now, just because you want to quit something doesn’t mean you always can. There have been plenty of times I wanted to quit all my college courses but the consequence of not finishing my college degree (and upsetting my parents) far outweighed the pain of dealing with a few 10-page papers.
Sometimes, you just can’t afford to quit because the job is helping you keep food in your belly and a roof above your head.
Quitting is a privilege that not everyone has
So if the consequence of quitting prevents you from doing so, is there something you can do to make the work better? Negotiate better hours, less work, more responsibility. Less of the things you hate and more of the things you like. I know it’s not ideal but maybe there’s room to make it more bearable.
And sometimes, don’t be afraid to take a stand. Recognize your worth and value
I do a thing called the best friend test. What if you were your best friend, going through the same shitty thing. What would you tell them?
How to say no (nicely)
Just say no. Duh.
Haha if only it were that easy. I know how difficult this can be. Heck, I’m still struggling to say no and I’m writing this article!
Do it in person if you care about the relationship
This is obvious but if you respect the people you’re working with, you owe it to them to tell them in person. No ghosting. No breakup over text. Be that adult I know you are.
Will it feel super painful and awkward? Most likely. But hopefully knowing you’re doing the right thing by yourself and by the people you’re working with makes the pain of the conversation a little better.
Set up a time to talk with them. Tell them you have something you need to discuss. And prepare your list of reasons of why you need to quit.
Be honest about why you’re leaving
You have your reasons for wanting to say no to what you’re working on. Share them. I find that sharing your reasons as well as the struggle you faced with coming to this decision will help the people you’re working with better understand where you’re coming from.
Also, it’s great feedback for the people you’re working with to see if it’s something they can improve or work on in the future.
Create a learning experience for both parties
Believe in the best of others
Don’t underestimate people’s capacity for compassion. I struggle with this because I often assume people will think the worst of me if I quit. But I’ve had many people quit or leave projects we’ve been working on for perfectly legitimate reasons. That’s never changed my opinion of them and I’ve always come to them with compassion.
Why do you think people wouldn’t treat you compassionately? Why do you think people wouldn’t understand you?
Compromise (if it makes sense. But don’t let them rope you in if you really need to say no)
Sometimes, circumstances requires you to quit an opportunity. Perhaps you’re overworked or you don’t have enough time but you absolutely love the project you’re working on and the people you’re working with.
By being honest with your struggles, perhaps you can figure out an arrangement that works better for you, your mental and physical health, and the people you’re working with.
People, more often than not, are more than willing to figure something out with you. It’s far harder to find someone completely new to replace you than just work with you to create a better schedule.
But have resolve! If you need to quit. Quit. No ifs, ands or buts
Do not let them hang shiny objects in front of you to get you back in when you know why you need to quit.
Dealing with the emotional repercussions
Am I just being a lazy bum?
I don’t normally associate myself as being a quitter. I often pride myself on my ability to follow-through and complete projects. Perhaps you have this feeling too. So it often sucks when I have to quit something that I haven’t finished because I start to run a million emotional reactions through my head.
I start to think I’m just being lazy and I need to suck it up. No. If I was being lazy, I would just not do the work. That’s different from having the ability to do the work but not wanting to do it. Or feeling actual pain and angst while doing the work. Or finding a million excuses to not do the work (okay, this is partly lazy).
But the point is, if I cared, I would do the work.
And when I start feeling anything but excitement, I realize that it’s more than just laziness stopping me.
The guilt of being flakey
Another emotional reaction I get is not wanting to be perceived as flakey or losing my reputation. I want to have new opportunities and to have people feel like they can reach out to me to ask for help because they trust me. I worry that by quitting a project before I see it to fruition will change people’s perception of me.
However, if your reasons are valid and you’re honest, people’s opinions won’t change.
They’ll understand. They’re humans too. They’ve been where you are. And they’re not expecting you to be superwoman.
Have some self compassion
Finally, letting go of something you’ve worked on for whatever reason sucks. It’s like a break up. Even if you’re doing the breaking up, it doesn’t make it easy. Be nice to yourself.
Remember that you’re doing this for the long term. In a week, the short term feeling of suckiness and ickiness will probably disappear. And your collective happiness will probably be so much better because you don’t have that awful, rain cloud hovering over you, reminding you that you really don’t want to be working on this project and should really leave it ASAP.
Finally, put yourself in their shoes. Imagine you had a friend that you were working with. And you clearly can see they are struggling with their decision even though you know it’s the right one given all the reasons they outlined to you.
Would you be a dick to them? Probably not. You’d probably be pretty nice. So why do you think you wouldn’t be treated the same?
Believe in the good of people. Trust that they understand. And if they don’t, well, you wouldn’t want to be working with them anyway.
So here’s to saying no and quitting a little more often. It’s okay if you do. You’re still a star in my eyes :)
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