People Grow Into The Finest Version Of Themselves When They’re Loved Without An Agenda
Heal And Transform Your Childhood Wounds
“It is not good to try to cram our ideas down the throats of others. People grow in their own way, in their own time. Love is a feeling of wellbeing for other person.” — Ashok Gulla
People grow into the finest version of themselves when they’re given the opportunity to awaken their authentic self.
Growth takes place by opening our hearts and minds to be tolerant of others without hidden motives.
An agenda creates distance between people since it is not vested in love or cooperation. These qualities are the underpinnings of a harmonious relationship.
If you want to help people grow into the finest version of themselves, nurture a spirit of compassion and empathy with them.
The American physician and author Gerald G. Jampolsky echoes these sentiments in his book Love Is Letting Go of Fear. He says we gain peace of mind when we accept people as they are without demands or expectations: “Peace of mind comes from not wanting to change others, but by simply accepting them as they are. True acceptance is always without demands and expectations.”
We should greet others where they stand rather than expect them to align with us.
We narrow the divide that separates us and reach out to them in a shared space of humility, support and understanding.
Growth takes place when the conditions are safe for a person to thrive and prosper.
You need only look at young children who grow up in a caring and loving household. With proper parenting and role models, they develop a healthy self-esteem and empathy for their fellow beings.
However, if their upbringing is interrupted with hostility, violence or emotional abuse, they are likely to adopt this behaviour later in life.
What is sewn into the family unit will create the conditions for the child’s self-esteem to flourish in the ensuing years.
I realise not everyone grows up in a household where these qualities are apparent. It is out of your control to choose your parents or caregivers, even their parenting style.
However, you have the power to heal and transform your childhood wounds so you don’t carry them throughout life in order to appease your parents or caregivers.
Author Matt Khan says in Whatever Arises, Love That: A Love Revolution That Begins With You that having an agenda interrupts the ability of the person’s heart to heal: “When you are driven by an agenda to be viewed in a certain way, you are unable to hold a space for anyone’s heart to heal.”
See Them Through The Eyes Of Love
“Love moves without an agenda. It just moves because that is its nature to move.” — Adyashanti
Healing and transformation is difficult and may take years if not decades to explore. The journey into oneself is worth it because of who you become.
As mentioned in earlier articles, I had a fractured relationship with my father growing up, owing to my strict disciplinary upbringing.
When I reflect on it now, I see that my childhood experience forced me to take the journey into myself and discover my true essence. This journey became the catalyst for writing the book Awaken Your Authentic Self.
As a child and young adult, I assumed the narrative my father upheld which resulted in developing low self-esteem.
In the decades that followed, I realised that my childhood experiences were an invitation to love myself and transform my childhood wounds.
I learned over the last two decades that through hardship and challenges arise the most resilient, yet humble souls among us.
“The law of Love is that you are Love, and that as you give Love to others you teach yourself what you are,” affirms Gerald G. Jampolsky.
Considering this, worship your intimate relationships because the other person has chosen you amongst others to bear their soul and allow you into their heart.
To break their heart is not only a transgression against them but also yourself.
Intimate relationships are a gateway into the deepest part of your psyche. You learn more about your true nature and awaken your authentic self through these unions.
Psychologist Rick Hanson highlights this feeling in his book Resilient: 12 Tools For Transforming Everyday Experiences Into Lasting Happiness where he writes of the transformative essence that love brings to a relationship:
“Love is the multivitamin, the universal medicine. Love helps us feel safe whether as a scared child getting a hug or as an adult walking with a friend through a dark parking lot. Love is deeply satisfying. And love draws us immediately into a sense of connection. If it’s hard to identify a key resource for a challenge, no worries. In one form or another, try love.”
Nurture your partner, friends, family and co-workers in a sea of kindness and compassion.
Greet them in a place of respect, trust and sacredness.
See them through the eyes of love not judgement, hate or anger.
When these disempowering states arise, heal and transform them into the wholeness of your being.
What you heal within yourself you heal within the relationship.
Gerald G. Jampolsky makes it clear when he says we must strive to choose love over fear in all relationships, since the two states cannot simultaneously coexist: “Fear and Love can never be experienced at the same time. It is always our choice as to which of these emotions we want. By choosing Love more consistently than fear, we can change the nature and quality of our relationships.”
Disharmony And Disease Of Thinking
“You must love in such a way that the other person feels free.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
Don’t wait for others to improve themselves first.
Tend to your personal growth at all times and create the ideal conditions for others to do the same. If nothing else changes within the relationship, at least you will have focussed on your personal growth.
Growth is vital to life otherwise we remain stagnant, stuck and our self-esteem is impaired.
This is when problems arise and people blame one another for their transgressions.
If the individual traces the steps leading to the conflict, they will see how they each contributed to neglect their personal growth and that of their partners.
Matt Kahn says: “An overstimulated nervous system doesn’t allow you to listen without an agenda since it causes you to feel as if you are someone who is unsupported, overlooked, and misunderstood on a regular basis. This is often why human beings wrestle for control in conversations or find the time to debate one another.”
Any form of war whether it be war between nations or war within ourselves always starts locally. It begins at the level of the mind with disharmony and disease of thinking.
It starts with separation instead of inner harmony.
Love those close to you with a spirit of openness, tenderness while being their agent of change.
Be the facilitator of their happiness and I assure you, what you do for another is returned tenfold.
Don’t allow that to be your motivator as you will expect things in return and be disappointed when it is not reciprocated.
Do it out of the kindness of your heart.
Do it because it pleases you to support their happiness and personal growth.
Authors Todd Kashdan and Robert Biswas-Diener write in The Upside of Your Dark Side: “Unconditional love is easy to proclaim, hard to enact.”
Once we greet others in a sacred space of love, it becomes a vessel for a union built on trust, compassion and a connection between people whose lives are meant together.