Telling others to love themselves is super B.S.
I just did it the other night.
A man came into the wine bar that I work at looking for connection; people tell their bartenders things. He was nice and funny but passive aggressively feeding off of my compassion and empathy. He had a bad day. I was aware of the imbalance in energetic exchange but I had the space, so I thought, and I permitted it.
He told me his woes and needs as a human in conflict and grief. I “lovingly” told him he needs to learn how to love himself instead of feeding off of others for a quick fix. Connection is like that when you’re outsourcing it, a fix, an instant feel good drug.
This was really good information but also, super bull shit.
I think I know what I’m talking about when I say things like that. I also think I have good intentions when I say them. It’s like this knowledge to impart on a soul is so big that it could really change them, help them and make them whole.
I thought I was golden. I felt like I was helping and that I was being a space of love. But on the drive home I started to feel sick and creeped out. I had given this person my energy and advice, I really didn’t want to, and there wasn’t anything left for me. I dealt it out, it went in one of his ears and out the other and I was left depleted.
Instead of being love I tried to force feed it. It’s a tasty drug but hard to swallow.
I can’t tell anybody anything that will help them. Everything I say, only empowers or limits myself.
I’ve spent so much time waiting for someone to say the thing that I needed to hear. There have been times that I believed that I heard the thing that I needed to hear to change, better myself and to feel normal, healthy and whole. It’s kind of like the doctor saying, “Heather, eating wheat and dairy makes you extremely sick, you should stop eating it.” That is valuable and life changing information. I do feel better when I don’t eat those things but I can tell you that I ate nachos with real cheese on them, just yesterday!
I’m going to throw this out there from my own personal experience. When somebody says stuff, gives advice or the answers, you’re not really listening.
We come to the answer in our own time. We find the love we deserve from inside when we’re ready to surrender to life and the absolution that there is nothing to look forward to, THIS is it.
We are dancing around the acceptance and responsibility of our own mortality. We’re afraid to face our bodies for the fact that one day they will expire and while doing so, we miss the experience.
The real advice, the real work to help others, is to allow them to become who they need, to find the love for themselves, be the example and mirror presence.
It doesn’t matter what I say, the words are energy being jumbled around as I regain my balance in space. Their words are just energy, readjusting to fit around the shift occurring inside.
I’m coming to accept that nobody is listening to me so I’d better start. It creates more space and more love and it is the clearest I’ve ever been.
