To my people who feel a lot
They called me dramatic, train wreck, too emotional, sensitive, crazy, “too much,” out of control, queen, “don’t have my shit together,” flaky, unreliable, selfish, self-absorbed…
I hid in my corner, believing the shit they called me and judging the hell out of me, exponentially increasing the magnitude of my feelings.
Confined in my cell of self-judgement, busy torturing my being, I didn’t pick up calls, I didn’t even get out of bed to eat, I hid from supporting my neighbor in need, and all I wanted was to become so little, shrink, and instead all what my feelings did was expand.
The queen of them was SHAME. Shame of being me. Anger of not being able to have less emotions, more control, and get my shit together. I called in work and said I have the flu. Because, I have “emotions” won’t fly. It will probably fly me out of my job.
I told myself, I can never be responsible, own a home, start a family, or be a good mom, dad, brother, sister, son, daughter, friend, lover. I can’t handle life as it is, what would happen if actually life got worse? Will I survive? or drown in my feelings?
I wondered why I can’t just ignore them. Why doesn’t a run or a drink do it? Or a hug?
And in that moment, when I cannot feel my feelings in the pitch dark of my cell, I let go because there is nothing in me left to fight. The enemy has won. My feelings have taken over the reigns and somehow, opened the doors of the cell and freed me.
To my people who just like me feel a lot. I know you, I see you, I love you.
There is nothing wrong with you. Beside the story they fed you, and that you believed and nurtured since.
Feel the hell out of your heart. The world needs your heart. But please don’t judge them feelings. Love them feelings. Give them to those who can nurture them and respect them. Keep them in your safe heart, when you know they won’t get it.
And use them. To create. To write. To paint. To dance. To sing. To design. To help others feel accepted. To love deeply.
And when it feels like too much for anyone in your life, do not betray you. Do not leave you I beg you. If he goes, there are a million out there waiting to love you. If she goes, there is you waiting to love you.
No matter what was the suffering that lead you to feel more, the suffering was a gift.
You are not a victim. You are closer to God in your pain. For your pain is the source of your creation. And creation is divine. Your pain is the source of healing yourself and others. And healing is divine.
Dear friend who feels a lot,
I got your back. And I beg you, keep feeling a thousands times more. Scream it from the rooftop friend.
And be a screaming example to the man and the woman next to you who are living in shame of their feelings. Inspire them to free their hearts.
Dear friend who feels a lot,
Be kind to your heart. It has a lot to give.