Want to live a better life? Build a model.
It’s easier to understand from the outside.
When it comes to improving our lives, few tools are more powerful than a robust, kickass model. They allow us identify what matters most and act on it.
I first started using models to solve my own problems. About eight years ago I hit rock bottom after an anxiety-fueled burnout. I was constantly trying to achieve “enough” to matter even though all I really wanted was a break.
While turning my life around I was presented with an exceptionally common problem: how do I start living in a way that is totally foreign to me?
To change — REALLY change, and not just become a higher-functioning version of my former self —I had to let go of everything I knew and start over. I did my best to adopt new beliefs, develop a new self-image and push myself to act in ways that I knew were better even though they odd and uncomfortable.
Yet I couldn’t do what I didn’t know. Asking myself to suddenly treat myself with authentic self-love after decades of self-flagellation was like asking myself to fluently speak French without ever taking a single lesson.
How could I solve this problem?
Models to the Rescue
The answer came to me on a bright February morning. What if I solve this problem in reverse? If I can understand unconditional love in a way that lets me directly experience it, perhaps I could use it as a guide on myself.
Bingo.
Suddenly, an image flashed my head that brought me to tears. I saw a mother in a hospital bed with her newborn child. She holds the child close as her eyes are filled with love and joy. This child has achieved nothing yet she loves it unconditionally. She rejoices simply because it exists.
This was a profound image for me. Like many, I held the belief that things like love, acceptance and worth are meant to be “won,” not freely given. Failure is not an option. Yet here is something being fully loved simply because it exists. The bond was unconditional. The more I engaged with this model, the more I learned what that meant.
Experiencing: Letting The Model Teach Me
I closed my eyes, let go and tried to experience each part of the model directly. I wanted to learn everything I possibly could.
Providing
First, I focused on feeling what it would be like to be the mother. I did my best to let go, step into that role and directly experience what it was like to give something else love in a truly unconditional way.
I was quickly filled with overflowing sensations of joy and gratitude. This thing — this beautiful thing — could do no wrong in this moment. I accepted it fully as it was.
Receiving
Next, I let go of the mother and focused on what it would be like to be the child. It wasn’t a surprise that this was more challenging. I had a long history of easily expressing love towards others but struggling to accept it for myself.
The struggle ended when I realized the key to receiving this love: letting go. The child is completely vulnerable and naked. It’s human, imperfect and has zero accomplishments to “make up” for any faults. Yet it still has the power to reject mother’s love if it wants to. It has to remain open and vulnerable in order to receive the love its being freely given.
Stepping into the place of the child allowed me to experience love and acceptance in a deeply powerful way. In fact, this experience was one of the key moments that allowed me to turn my life around. Learning to hold myself in this open way — to let go and truly be myself, warts an all — was vital for making positive change.
Feeling
Finally, I let go of the people and focused on directly experiencing the emotion shared between them. I focused directly on their bond of unconditional love.
In this place I felt one thing above all: stability. This bond was so solid and robust that the child could do anything and not break it. The love was truly unconditional — and because of it, the child was free.
In any other system the child would remain trapped. They would have a set list of what was “approved” and what wasn’t. But in a system of unconditional love, there’s only freedom. Unconditional doesn’t mean “a lot,” it means “without condition.” Through love the child has full permission to be.
Changing Times, Changing Models
My model has changed over the years with different people and images playing different roles. However, three constant themes have surfaced:
A) A provider of unconditional love
B) A receiver of unconditional love
C) A palpable emotional feeling that the image focuses around
What model could you create that would fulfill these roles?
Working With Clients
I love teaching. If I find something that works my natural instinct is to package in a way that makes it easily accessible to others. Not surprisingly, as soon as I became I coach I began teaching clients how to build their own models.
It was a dramatic success. One client told me she felt like she was, “given a flashlight to find her way during a pitch dark night.” I couldn’t have said it better.
What Works & What Doesn’t
I’ve seen many people create models with varying degrees of success. Some choose to use family members and people they know, others focus on religious imagery, while others use fully abstract images of blobs and goop.
Out of them all, two approaches seem to work best for beginners:
- Archetypal images that do NOT involve anyone you know (including yourself). This is what I used. My mother and child didn’t represent anyone I knew. They just created an image that allowed me to experience and understand unconditional love. Real-life relationships are too messy to work as models which need to be simple. This approach works best with highly creative clients who love using metaphors and abstract imagery.
- Relationship with an “ideal self.” Imagine the version of yourself that would exist if you were filled with nothing but love. For the sake of conversation, let’s call this your “ideal self.” It’s becomes your model’s provider, your current self is the receiver, and you’re job is to directly experience what it’s like to have unconditional love for yourself. This is an extremely powerful approach that works especially well with highly literal clients who want tangible, concrete ideas to work around.
Using the Model
The ultimate job of a model is to help us make decisions. In short, they let us easily answer the question: “what’s the most loving thing I can do for myself right now?”
The Small Stuff
It’s easiest to start with small decisions.
I had a client who first used his model when he was debating what to do on a Friday night. He had a stressful week working overtime and was behind on his graduate degree assignments. He’d usually deal with this by going out, getting hammered drunk and blowing off steam with his friends. But when he asked his model’s provider what to do, it had a different answer.
He put himself in the place of the receiver, looked to the provider and asked, “what is the most loving thing I can do for myself right now?”
It replied: Calm down. Stay in. Put on your favorite music, order your favorite take out and take care of the single biggest assignment you have.
He listened. He called his friends, said he’d meet them tomorrow instead and got to work.
In our session the next week he called me thrilled. Yes, he got his assignment done in record time Friday night. But he also woke up early Saturday morning, went on an impromptu 5 mile run, finished more assignments and was fully caught up by Saturday evening. That evening he didn’t go out to blow off steam, he went out to freely celebrate.
The Bigger Stuff
Another client was dealing with extreme levels of insecurity and anxiety. He had gone through numerous counselors and came to me as a last ditch effort.
One of his biggest triggers was women, especially one in particular. He was deeply attracted to a coworker who also seemed interested in him. Yet this only made things worse. Each day at lunch he felt constant pressure to entertain her and “be attractive” while giving himself zero permission to screw up or be “stupid.”
Finally, he put himself into the place of the receiver and asked the provider for guidance. “What’s the most loving thing I can do for myself right now?”
It replied: Calm down and be yourself. You are enough! You’re already whole. What she thinks is outside your control. Let it go. Be loved for who you are. Don’t focus on what she’s doing. Focus on whether or not you’re being yourself.
Between his model’s advice and our work together, he took the leap and followed through. It worked. He recently sent me a letter of thanks as they just celebrated their two year anniversary together.
The Name of the Game
Building and playing with models takes practice. For those who don’t want to waste time, it’s often helpful to work with a coach or counselor who can help you create and use them.
Yet models aren’t meant to be stressed over, they’re meant to be played with. Consider them as mental play-doh. They can be molded and experimented with until they do what they’re needed to do.
After all, we care less about how a model looks and more about it’s ability to evoke a desired emotional state. Its job is to create an image that lets us explore a place we want to learn more about.
The models I’ve discussed have focused on understanding love for those who have far more experience in fear. But models can also be used to create confidence, self-esteem, self-trust and more. Build the model, learn how to use it effectively, and let it guide you.
James “J” Stamatelos is a professional coach who specializes in helping people find confidence and inner peace by building strong, resilient relationships with themselves. He is fully remote and has worked with clients from across the United States, Canada, and Europe. Visit https://jamesjstamatelos.com/ to learn more.
