The F-word: What to do when you feel The Fear.

“What if I am too old? What if I have left it all too late? What if I don’t succeed? What happens if I make the wrong choice?

…What do I do when I feel The Fear?”

I’d been wrapping up a call when the person on the other end of the line slid those heavy questions into my ear. At the time, I didn’t really know what to say because the question cut so close to home. Twelve months and one annual New Year review later I realised that these were questions that I’d wrestled with myself throughout 2017 and, more importantly, that I had made progress. I realised that, even though fear will never completely leave me, I’ve learned 4 lessons which have helped me push past it and still achieve what I wanted.

To frame this accomplishment, I’ll tell you something personal; fear has been a constant companion of mine since I turned 20. I know it well and it remains one of the biggest challenges I continue to work to overcome.

I suffered my first panic attack when crossing a street, for no apparent reason whatsoever. My arms went numb and tingly, my mouth went dry, my heart was pounding and the world began to tilt. I was so convinced I’d met my end that I actually lay down in the middle of the road and prepared to die. I told the women who ran over to help, that an ambulance wouldn’t get here in time and to tell my family that I loved them. Fear was going to be the death of me and nothing could convince me otherwise.

But, I did not die from that experience, nor from any of the multitude that followed. Even when that fear would follow me on aeroplanes, out on client meetings, in team meetings, into the gym, on the underground or even wake me up at 4 am for Christ’s sake.

I’ve learned that our lowest moments are brought to us as moments of grace and as an opportunity to rise again. For weaker, or stronger, it doesn’t appear to matter, because the acceptance of (and subsequent making peace with) either outcome seems to hold the key to redemption.

Fear manifests for me in many forms. After a big night out, I get the ‘post-party fear’ — what if I said something I didn’t mean? At work, I sometimes get the ‘show-up-and-blow-up fear’ — what if I fail? When giving instruction or advice to people older than me I get the ‘imposter-syndrome fear’ — what if they think I’m not qualified?

But worst of all is the ‘fear-of-the fear’. Like the person on the end of the line, what we are really asking is — what if I am afraid? But I’d argue that even worse than that is allowing that fear to stop you living a life you are capable of.

Living with my fear has taught me that it is in the exact arenas that fear is crawling that we are often the most alive and the most inspired. Our biggest blockers are not designed to meet us at the end of the road, but right in the middle. They point us towards the things that matter most to us and provide us with a difficult, but direct path to the very heart of our growth.

I have learned enough through trial and error to know that there are ways in which we can approach fear to help us use it as fuel rather than fencing. Some of them even helped me to chip away at my fears until they shifted, leaving me free to continue on my path and I have to say I’ve not had a panic attack for two years now.

I hope that by sharing them they may help others to do the same and will not form any reason for you to not achieve your goals in 2018.

1. Mindful Acknowledgement.

Fear is powerful for two reasons. First, because it is sneaky; it manifests in many ways like stress eating, nail biting, anxiety, cold sweats, indecision, angst and antagonism. These behaviours may seem like a personality quirk but they are actually symptoms. They are an instinctual reaction to something you fear. Try to be mindful of the moments in which you are showing symptoms, identify what they are and give yourself the space to understand where they are coming from.

Only when you call out the fear, like the boogie man in the dark, can you see it for what it really is and take action.

2. Express yourself.

The second reason fear holds power is because it is living in your head. A reaction to a fictional story that we tell ourselves about our worth or capability is as real as the reaction to a car speeding towards us. It is part of us, part of our instinctual inheritance that was designed to keep us safe from harm. It is our burden, but it will weigh heavy if passed endlessly around the depths of our mind with no shape or form to contend with.

If you can, thank it for showing up when you feel it, be keenly aware of its presence and try to accept it. Then get it out.

Write it down. Go for a run. Talk to a friend. Make note of your triggers and the stories you are telling yourself and your reaction to that story. Detail the fictional outcomes or disasters that are causing the reaction and see them for what they really are — myths.

You have the power to write your own story for good or for ill. So, once you have expressed your worry, leave it there. Then practice doing that again and again.

3. Fuck the Fear.

Once Sarah, the Co-founder of Hisby, got on stage in front of 500 people and told us she was nervous. Then she said she was going to do a rap and asked us to hold her accountable. My heart stopped. I was afraid for her. But I needn’t have been. She blasted through her talk despite her nerves and when she spoke about her fear, she said: “Fuck the fear or the fear will fuck with you”. And then she rapped. She received a standing ovation when she was done.

Being open and authentic about our struggles is a powerful way to connect with people and it is often rewarded more than it is scorned. Sometimes you just have to throw caution to the wind and dance with the fear. Mel Robbins suggests reframing your fear as excitement. When the palms get sweaty, you think you’d rather die than speak up, just tell yourself you’re excited and push on through.

If you think about it, fear is telling you that you are alive and kicking in equal parts as it is trying to keep you that way. So sometimes feel it, fuck it and go on and do it anyway.

4. The opposite of fear is hope.

My biggest lesson is that fear is also a remedy. A fire-starter. A kick in the ass and a massive motivator. It will always, always show up. But will you?

It gives you a nudge and you nudge it right back — feel it and find a reason to hope for the best.

People often ask me how will they be able to identify a job opportunity or career move that is right for them. I tell them, you will know because it will scare the shit out of you but you deep down hope you’ll get it. How do you know if that person you are with is the one you want to spend your life with? Because if you think about asking them the question, the second before they’d answer would be an eternity of being scared shitless but openly you really hope they’ll say yes.

Fear is a reason to start, and hope is a reason not to give in. It is a reason to accept, to acknowledge, to practice getting out of your own way and to show up again and again.

If you are worried about your meeting tomorrow move from hope to action — prepare. Show up. Share. Get it done.

If you are concerned about your career — take action. Book a course, do some new activities in an area that interests you, see a coach, volunteer.

You are what you repeatedly do. If you give in to fear enough then you will remain small and scared. If you make a practice of acknowledgement, hope for the best and act anyway, you will emerge capable of any challenge.

And with fear as a motivator, hope a guide and fuck it as our attitude, I believe that there is nothing in life to be afraid of.

Thank you for reading.

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Stay in touch and connect with me here.
In London at Escape The City.

If you have any thoughts, would like me to answer specific job-hunting questions or explore being coached through your job-hunt, Linkedin or tweet me @mellyndaniamh or drop me an email mlnfisher03@gmail.com.