What's Worse Than Doing the Same Thing Over and Over and Expecting Different Results?

Adding intensity. Well, okay, if you're trying to break a door down, maybe adding intensity will help. But with people, and especially your loved ones, usually not. Even if you get something close to the result you want in the moment, the side effects are not worth it. But I’ll get to that a little later.

Doing the same thing and then just doing the same thing bigger is a significant part of where distressed couples get stuck. It’s like talking louder to someone who doesn’t speak the same language (which in a sense, is literally what’s happening). It’s a primitive response: if the toaster isn’t working try shaking or smacking it; if the kids aren’t listening yell louder. Let’s listen in on a couple in my office:

“You never help with the dishes”

“Yes I do — I did them Sunday”

“Only after I asked you 10 times”

“If you weren’t always on my case…”

“Well if you would for once offer to help!”

“I help a lot more than [lists a bunch of people in other couples they know] — — ”

(Cutting him or her off mid-list and raising voice) “I don’t care about any of those people! You’re just lazy!”