Author. Brand Builder. Marketing Exec. Cat Lover. Does Not Work for Free So Don’t Ask. [email protected] (Please don’t spam me, thanks.)
Feb 208 min read
When You Can’t Be the Person The Internet Wants You to Be
I hate the word “trainwreck”. People take comfort in their own moral compass, and in doing so find themselves passing judgment. They think: I’m definitely not like that; I would never do that; How could she be dumb enough to put herself in that situation because I would never. And if you should find yourself in said situation, you might say, I handled it this way, so, in fact, it’s the right way–and why doesn’t she just do that? It’s easy to judge a situation without context, without actually standing in someone else’s life. It’s easy to deliver sideline commentary without actually being in the game. Watching others in varying states of undress gives people a convenient remove, an emotional distance because what they’re viewing is a performance delivered by a stranger, someone they know only slightly, because they’ve been admitted entry into a particular aspect of a someone’s life not realizing that the whole of that life lies behind a curtain. Some of those performances are done for effect (think reality television) and some of them are real and uncomfortable to watch. Instead of practicing empathy, we grab our popcorn; we mouse click, prod, poke fun and shame people into silence. We admonish them for the mess they’ve made and their inability to quietly (and quickly) clean it up.
Nearly a year ago an old coworker of mine sent me a text about a mutual friend. This coworker and I weren’t friends, per se, but we cared enough about this mutual friend to get on the phone and deal with the uncomfortable conversation we were about to have. This former coworker asked if I had noticed our mutual friend’s disturbing rants on social media. I admitted that I hadn’t because I was commuting nearly five hours a day to Princeton, New Jersey for a work project, and by the time I got home I was ready to collapse into bed. While on the phone, I scrolled through our mutual friend’s social feeds and winced. The words were painful to read and I remembered another friend making an offhand joke about this person, about how dramatic this person was–that this person was always kind of a trainwreck. I thought about that flippant comment while on the phone with my former coworker, who wondered aloud what we should do. Would it be okay to ask our mutual friend if something was wrong? Was it our place? Should we say aloud the two words we were thinking: mental illness? And why is it that those two words are ones that are routinely whispered?
Fifteen minutes later I chatted with the mutual friend and asked this person if everything was okay. I could be off-base but I’m concerned about what you’re writing online and I’m here to listen or help, I remember saying. Or not, if that’s what you want too. I ended up connecting the mutual friend to a psychiatrist, and in that moment, I felt ashamed for not standing up to that flippant comment. For saying, maybe instead of rolling your eyes maybe be a friend. Even with the people we think we know, we don’t know the whole of their life–only what they choose to share with us. When I was young I remember kids laughing at someone when they tripped and fell. I never really saw the humor in someone falling as my first inclination was to ask if the person was hurt. Are you okay? But as the years moved on, I programmed myself to laugh, albeit uncomfortably, when someone stumbled. Because I guess it’s easier to ridicule instead of making yourself vulnerable.
It can sometimes feel like everyone on the internet is obsessed with positivity and inspiration and motivation. There are so many graphics and Instagram posts and listacles about how positive energy will change your life, and you have to ignore the haters. The advice claims that you have to believe you’re going to win, you can’t worry about your problems, you need to stop stressing. As though a positive mind set really will make every aspect of your life better and solve your crushing problems. –From Jon Westenberg’s “Blind Positivity Sucks”
Online, you can’t be a trainwreck but you can’t project perfection either–lest you be deemed inauthentic, a “fake”. You can’t be too sad or too happy. You can reveal a little about your personal life but not too much, and know that people like the comeback story rather than watching you wade helplessly through the dark. They want your dark in past tense because no one wants to deal with your present or future tense sadness. They want that storyline to be played out behind the scenes, but they’ll stick around for the post-mortem. Over the past few months, a few friends have reached out to me privately to acknowledge that their sadness has also been shamed into silence–that the internet doesn’t have the patience for unhappiness. This puts me to thinking about what the poet Jenny Zhang wrote:
Darkness is acceptable and even attractive so long as there is a threshold that is not crossed. But most people I know who suffer, suffer relentlessly and unendingly no matter what sort of future is proposed (“it’ll get better/it won’t always be this like/you will start to heal/ I know it’s such a cliché but you really will come out of this stronger in the end”). –From “How It Feels”
I’m having the worst year of my life. There, I said it. My mother died, and there was a lot of private drama that circled that event. I made a huge move across the country and although I love Los Angeles and it feels like home, I’m lonely. My father and I fight often–via text, as that’s his preferred method of communication–and the people with whom I used to feel close now seem like strangers. I relapsed, again. I started seeing a psychiatrist after feeling some harrowing feelings of depression and suicide and I had to stop seeing him because I can no longer afford it. I spend six hours a day looking for work and I haven’t landed anything substantial yet. I spend most of my time at home, alone, because sometimes daylight feels unbearable. Every day I worry about losing my home (even though my best friend has generously and kindly offered hers as a temporary salve), and I live on a clock. I have literally enough money to last me until April 1, and then I default on all my debt and lose my apartment, and this reality is one I deal with daily. It’s one I deal with when I go on job interviews and present my best self. When I text friends, who are so amazing and beautiful and kind, and they tell me they feel helpless about my situation and ask what they can do and I tell them, in response, you’re doing it. Keep sending me those cat pictures because sometimes it’s nice to take a break from all this sadness. I ask about their day because I care, and because it’s a needed and desired distraction. My best friend calls me on her drive home from work and asks me how I’m doing, really doing, and I tell her, and then I ask about her kids, her brother who just got married, and I cry a little when I tell her that I remember when he was a sixteen-year-old kid drinking beers with us when my best friend and I were freshmen in college.
We’re old, we joke constantly–but the joke is not out of regret, it comes from a place of comfort for having endured what we have. Our years.
I spend most of my days oscillating between two faces–the presentable, together one, and the one behind who lives in abject terror. Patiently I wait for the next project or job offer so I can pick up the phone and schedule an appointment with my doctor because I want to get better. I want to get back to this place. I want to stop thinking and start doing.
Why is that in a maelstrom of kindness we fall prey to that one cruel remark? How is it that we’re so easily wounded by an offhand comment or swipe? A stranger writes and tells me not to talk about anything that’s happened to me this year because future employers will consider me “unstable”. I don’t know how to respond so I don’t. I spent the better part of my life behind a mask, suffocating from it, and if someone can’t respect a person trying to get through a tough time, that someone is human, then this is probably not a person with whom I want to work. Friends with whom I thought I was close maintain a safe distance, and part of me wonders if they think this is what I want, perhaps they’re trying to be respectful, but then I think of my other friends who text, Facetime, and come by my home and drag me to the beach and pay for my lunch or donuts because I can’t really eat out anymore. These friends don’t act like a therapist and I don’t expect them to. Sometimes I just want a donut or a cat photo or a friend like my dear Amber who will Facetime me and ask me, no, really, how the fuck are you? And she’ll sit there and listen while I talk about really uncomfortable things and Amber does exactly what I need a friend to do–listen without making me feel ashamed for not snapping out of my sadness.
There are people who don’t like me, who are reveling in the fact that I’m having the worst year of my life, and while I’d like to say that this doesn’t bother me I’d be lying. Because we innately want to be liked by everyone even if this isn’t a reality. I think about a few random comments and I think about others–strangers and friends and casual acquaintances who cloak me with their compassion and kindness, and both disparate experiences made me realize the weight we place on what we hear and experience in the world. I can’t change who I am or what I’ve done, only the way I come to and manage my experiences, moving forward. What’s important for me right now is to surround myself with people who care and give me honest feedback when I need and deserve it simply because they want me to get better, do better, feel better. What matters right now is that I do whatever I can to get better. That I keep moving forward. That I sit in my sadness when I need to and lean on others when the sadness becomes entirely too palpable to bear.
I don’t know how often I will come back to this space, honestly. I don’t have recipes to share and I’m reading books at a slower pace, and I’m not entirely too comfortable documenting, in detail, my journey back because there’s much to be said for doing a lot of work offline. However, I’m really fucking tired of feeling ashamed for going through tragedy, of feeling depressed. I’m tired of managing everyone’s discomfort, their uncomfortable silence and unsolicited feedback. Friends put in the work. If I’m putting in the work to get better and be better, put in the work of learning how to deal with someone going through a tenuous time. Practice empathy and compassion. Don’t laugh when someone falls down because it’s gossip, because it’s what you’ve been conditioned to do. It’s easy to be an asshole. It’s hard to be patient and kind.
You’re either on or off my bus.
This post was originally published on my blog. Also, if you like what you’ve read, hit the heart below so others can find this piece and read it too. :) If you want to read more of my writing, check out my short story in QuarteryWest.
Next Story — It’s okay to work more than 4 hours a week
Currently Reading - It’s okay to work more than 4 hours a week
Author of Design for Hackers (#18 overall Amazon). Host of Love Your Work podcast. Listen to my Jason Fried interview: http://kadavy.net/fried
2 days ago3 min read
It’s okay to work more than 4 hours a week
Especially if you don’t have to
In 2011, I made more than $60,000 doing nothing. I didn’t have to work. Which is exactly why I worked harder than ever.
The bulk of the money came from my online dating advice blog. Back then, if you searched for Match.com promo code, my site was one of the top results. I’d refer people to Match, and I’d get a commission.
I made about $150,000 off that site, most of it over a three-year period. One year, it brought in nearly $75,000. (At certain points, I would receive a bonus for the “Sale Amount” you see in the screenshot below, rather than just “Publisher Commission.”)
By the time the site started making money, I had already done most of the work. I could have worked to make the numbers higher, but I didn’t. I just let it sit there and make money. As you can see, it makes me very little these days.
Lots of people dream of having a “passive revenue muse” that they only have to work on 4 hours a week. They fantasize about spending all of that free time on a beach, drinking from a coconut, or frantically riding a camel across the Sahara to cross it off their bucket list.
But, you can use that extra time, instead, to move your work further up Maslow’s hierarchy. To Love Your Work.
As evinced by my use of a pseudonym, I didn’t want to be “the online dating guy.” I probably would have made more money if I had concentrated on that business, but my heart wasn’t in it.
Instead, I used that passive money to supplement my meager advance to write Design for Hackers. That — in 2011 — was the hardest I ever worked. If I wasn’t sleeping, there were hardly 4 hours in a week that I wasn’t working. I could have been doing Ayahuasca, for months on end, in Peru instead.
I call it “freedom stacking:” Make just enough money to free up your mind, and progressively climb your work up Maslow’s hierarchy — closer to your core, closer to your heart, and deeper into your curiosities.
I do my work from South America. I’m not spending my days bungee jumping or attending yoga retreats. I’m just doing my work, living as an inhabitant, and slowly adding facets to my understanding of human experience.
If you can crack the code for making decent money with minimal effort, you can still work more than 4 hours a week. You can use your freedom to make your work more nourishing to your self, more expanding for your mind, and more valuable to each person it touches.
The other day I read this great post written by Thomas Despin. It’s really awesome to see how a few words can resonate with other people. So far, his story has received more than 1.6k recommends and 65 responses. It’s crazy, right?
On Medium, we all love words. We love the diversity of ideas and what people have to say to the world. That’s the reason why you read this post, isn’t it?
You don’t need to write long reads to capture the attention of your readers. Some people say that the best stories on Medium are 7 min read. Don’t pay too much attention to this idea.
Take a look at the Top Stories collection on the homepage. You will see that the length of your story doesn’t matter that much.
So, why does Thomas’ story work perfectly? What lessons can be drawn for your own stories you will write on Medium?
Here are some key points that can be inspire you for your next adventure on Medium. And maybe even in your everyday life too...
Focus on your words
The only thing that matters on Medium is words. Just words. Focus on your words, write your thoughts. What people may think is not important at all. Try it, you might be surprised.
Thanks to its beautiful interface, Medium allows you to focus on the words. You should be confident about that. Surely the form is important too. But the first thing to focus on is the content. What is the message that you want your audience to get?
Keep in mind that there will always be someone to read your thoughts on Medium. You might think that your writing won’t take you anywhere but you’re wrong. Just focus on your words. After that, you might eventually think about your audience.
What people may think is not important at all
I think it is true that people who don’t pay attention to what other say are happier. Try to apply this idea to your writing.
The simpler you are, the more impact you have. Write short sentences. Put in spaces in your text. Try to write short paragraphs of four or five lines maximum. Let your readers breath.
Imagine that you are talking with people who don’t know who you are. Or people who are not familiar with the topic you are talking about. Write with simple words to draw attention. You will be appreciated for your simplicity and the clarity of your ideas.
In real life, people love when you speak directly without dancing around the topic. Keep this in your mind when you write on Medium. This is exactly what Thomas does in his story: short sentences and impactful message.
Write with passion. Write with your heart. Most of the time people are touched by stories in which they can find themselves. On Medium, people want to know who you are and what matters to you.
Authenticity is the key
To get back to Thomas’ story. I think this sentence is one of the best parts of his text:
You know, my father is almost 60 now.
By talking about his father and his own experience, Thomas is authentic. He is writing about a part of his own life to illustrate his argument. Thomas expresses emotions in his words. It’s so touching!
Don’t be afraid to write about your personal life. Ask yourself this question: What do I want to read here? People talking about short news or people who tell what happened to them when they were traveling around the world?
In your opinion, why are you deeply affected when a friend tells you what he thinks about your last move? Because this is your friend. You care about this person. You know that they will always tell you the truth about your situation. This is what makes them an authentic person in your eyes.
I don’t say that you should be friends with everyone, but try to be authentic in your writing, it will always be beneficial.
I think it’s really important to be authentic in life. It strengthens ties between people. It will not always please everyone, but as they say : you can’t please everybody.
Finally, why this cat at the top of this story? I don’t know, but I believe that I see authenticity and simplicity in his eyes…
The only rule that you have to know is that there are none. It’s that simple. Just write, publish your story and see what will happen.
If you enjoyed reading, please share with others by hitting that little heart below. Thanks!
Next Story — Ask yourself, “Am I Being Healthy or Unhealthy?”
Currently Reading - Ask yourself, “Am I Being Healthy or Unhealthy?”
Founder @deathtostock — Photographer, Community Builder, House DJ. Everything I own is packed in my car. I spill on our relationship to culture and tech.
10 hrs ago3 min read
Ask yourself, “Am I Being Healthy or Unhealthy?”
What would you buy if you had an extra $5k laying around?
I was thinking about all of the purchases I was wanting to make today if I had more on-hand cash.
Here’s the *short* list:
Super 8 Video Camera
New backpack for travel
Videography lessons from my friend Seth
Clothing from John Elliot
Plane ticket to Copenhagen
Portable DJ speakers
Build of my personal website rebrand/revamp
Business Coaching (launching + sales)
Pro-active Doctor appointments / personal health research (23&me etc.)
When I look at this list, it got me thinking about the “why” behind these purchases. And you know what? I don’t feel bad about spending money on any of these things. Every item on here is a direct improvement of my life, rather than an empty purchase.
I believe these are healthy purchases. Every item, to me, is a type of positive investment in myself. And I’ll make those purchases every time.
Whether it’s how we use social media, how we act in our relationships, how we work, or how we spend money, everything is in the approach.
We can have a “healthy-why” or an “unhealthy-why.”
Unhealthy: Youcan take the approach trying to get something, trying to force something, trying to feel validation or fill a hole, grasp at something to make you feel less uncertain, more loved, or to take control of a situation.
Unhealthy Example:Youget home from work, you’re stressed about your latest project. That date you went on, you still haven’t heard back from. So, you open Instagram. Subconsciously you think, “Maybe they’ll see this post.” So you snap a selfie, post it, and refresh your feed every 10 seconds to watch the likes roll in, but mainly you’re hoping to see that one in particular…
Healthy: You can take the approach of trying to give, trying to make yourself better and healthier. You can approach things without needing them. You can approach things without trying to continuously grasp for them.
Healthy Example: You get home from work, it was a stressful day but you decide to read to disconnect. While reading, you suddenly feel inspired, and decide to publish a bunch of new thoughts that were sparked to your Twitter or Medium. It felt energizing to think and share about these ideas, and you put down your laptop and go cook dinner. When you return to your laptop you see you got a bunch of likes + retweets, but it feels like a bonus to a feeling you already have.
The thing is, people can tell when you’re doing things to get something in return. People can tell which approach you’re taking, healthy or unhealthy.
It’s almost like a weird energy that runs alongside whatever signals you’re putting out.
Have you ever felt examples of this before? When you’re feeling like you’re in a really good place, and all of your communication is received positively? Doors are opening and things are going well, but nothing is forced?
It’s a paradox, the less you grasp, when things don’t *need* to happen for you to feel great, they tend to.
Things just go better when you take the healthy approach.
As always, how can I help? Hit me back or Tweet me if you want to chat startups, branding, communities…
Next Story — You Design Your Reality, Not Your Job
Currently Reading - You Design Your Reality, Not Your Job
I write about faith, personal development & success. I am a writer and coach. My work is in HuffPost, Thought Catalog, etc. My website: http://chrisdconnors.com
13 hrs ago9 min read
You Design Your Reality, Not Your Job
Jobs are a means to an end for far too many people. I know this because for the lion’s share of my life, I have been one of them. When I think of people that I know personally or those that I have worked with, I realize they feel the same way. They might love the values or core principles their company stands for, but they don’t love their job. Because they’re not doing what they love most.
Jobs are what put money in our pockets, which enable us to have families, travel the country and world, buy a house and watch Golden Girls re-runs on cable television after the kid is in bed. All right, maybe that last one is just me. But think about this: If you could have all of the fruits of safety, security and food to eat, would you still work in your current job?
Or would you do the activity, hobby or life’s work that you love? Don’t worry, that’s a rhetorical question. I think we both know the answer.
“Reach for the stars” and “Follow your dreams” may sound like idyllic gobbledygook when we’re young. However, those who tell us this age-old advice (cliché for sure) do so for a reason. They want to see us happy and it’s apparent to them — whether they’ve lived this dream or not — that a key component of happiness is doing work that inspires you.
How the Cycle Begins
Our jobs define our lives in so many ways and yet many of us don’t give too much thought to exactly what we’ll become when we’re younger. Depending on where you go to school and what you learn, there’s a good shot that you may not be well positioned to produce valuable work in your late teens or even your early-mid 20s. Much of our secondary schooling and university structure was not build for utilitarian purposes. Sad but true.
We’re taught about particular subjects in college, sometimes, things that will have no bearing on how we attempt to earn money. At best case, we hope that these thing will satisfy our intellectual curiosity.
This is not to say that colleges, high schools or technical schools don’t ever position people for success after graduation. They do. I’m simply saying, it’s a flawed system. Part of it is just how life goes. We don’t always know what we want when we’re 20. Worst case, we’re taking courses simply to get a degree. A degree that may not hold as much value as we never plan to use that knowledge ever again.
Once we graduate, we realize how much jobs become the measuring stick for how we see ourselves but, overwhelmingly how others see us. Jobs can become our identity, what we attract and what gives us our status in society. In the U.S., the bastion of capitalism, people become consumed with earning money. Our perception of what we need to earn may go far beyond providing for our necessities and even some luxuries.
Capitalism breeds competition, which is a terrific thing but we need to be mindful that the competition to make the most money is a race better left sitting out. We’re wise to concentrate our energies elsewhere, like finding the activities that elicit powerful, uplifting emotions. We’re smart if we work hard on developing the skills required to become paid professionals or highly-competent hobbyists in these enterprises.
Character, Perception and Reality
We are known more for the work we produce — and what we do — than our true character to the vast majority of people. Now, you don’t need to get me started on how the most important worldly relationship you’ll ever have is the one with yourself. I am the biggest proponent of this and I shout it from the rooftops. Not literally, but figuratively. I mostly write about it here.
Yet, there’s no denying that others cannot possibly see all of our character; the inner core of what makes us who we are. Others cannot see how we treat those closest to us at all times. They do not have special view into our relationship with God or the relationship we have with ourselves. They’ll never know what we think and do when no one is looking.
The saying, “perception is reality,” is wondrous because it literally can be both right and wrong . So true and simultaneously so false. It is often true in how others think of us and usually untrue in how we view ourselves. We may know in our hearts what we truly are- what we yearn for, what lights the fire inside of us and what we want most out of life.
But sometimes, even those closest to us and, particularly those who only know us in work or social settings, most certainly do not. They see who we are in public, they observe our idiosyncrasies, the veneer and outward portrayal that we share with others. I’m not suggesting that this outward portrayal is phony.
It’s just simply a fact that we behave a particular way in certain environments, lest others seek committing us to an insane asylum.
I write this because if someone saw my house at about 7 o’clock in the evening, they may think so. This is right after my 22 month-old eats, then runs roughshod through every room in our house, playing with me, his papa bear (he the baby bear), rummaging, barreling and knocking everything over.
Hierarchy of Needs
In Abraham Maslow’s “Hierarchy of Needs” chart, the physiological and safety needs form the base of the pyramid. Survival. Without these things, we wouldn’t exist. And yet the longer I’ve lived, the more I’ve come to believe that we don’t truly live unless we reach the zenith of the pyramid, the self-actualization of creativity.
I believe a major reason why we’re here- not the biggest reason- is to get in touch with our creative sides and inspire others by the work- the art and magic we produce.
We who have been given this remarkable opportunity of being afforded safety, security and sustenance, must will ourselves to strive for the peak of this pyramid. Even when we create physical work, the idea to do so is first conceived in our minds. Then, it’s how we analyze, imagine and will the object of our desire into being. This is what gives it life. Believe it into being.
Dream Big, Do You
I often talk about how I want to be a bestselling author, something I’m hopefully on the path to someday achieving, as my first book is due out in several months. I have spent a great deal of time in my life planning out what I love to do most. This is the work that I hope will define and bring joy and fulfillment to my life.
“Whatever the mind of man (or woman) can conceive and believe, he/she can achieve.” — Napoleon Hill
Each day is one step closer to converting these hobbies and activities into a job and work that will produce financial, emotional and spiritual gain. These things, I believe, will bring true satisfaction as only I, the architect of these plans, can design.
Yet, my plans don’t mean as much to me as the relationships that I have with the ones I love. The true me is someone who loves God, his family and friends more than anything in this whole world. I want to be surrounded by love.
That’s not simply a moment of reckoning for me now; it’s the way I’ve felt both consciously and subconsciously, for all of my life. I was given the gift of a loving family, one who believed in me and cared for me. This matters immensely more than my dreams.
I think it is possible for ordinary people to choose to be extraordinary. — Elon Musk
And yet I know, deep-down, that I won’t become the person I want to become unless I am producing the work that I believe I was put on this Earth to create. I darn well know that the jobs I have worked in over the course of my career have not given me that realization of personal development and self-actualization I desire. Maybe you feel the same.
I dedicate several hours of each day, on occasion working to the point of exhaustion, in order to cultivate and deliver the writing, coaching and content that will change the lives of my readers and clients — and my own. I’ve written extensively about how success, at least for me, is best defined by the words of legendary basketball coach, John Wooden:
“Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming.”
I write frequently about this definition because I feel it always bears repeating. I read this every, single day. Success is peace of mind, the realization that you have done your absolute best with the talents you’ve been given. And yet, it’s simply impossible to feel that we’re not being judged, defined and ultimately valued by others — for what we produce — through the lens of how they see us.
How Will You Leave Your Mark on the World?
We’re often known simply by the company or organization that we work for. That’s great for some people but the majority of people that I know would much prefer to be known for their own personal brand. For you, that could be wanting others to know the mother or father that you are; the son or daughter. Maybe you want your calling card to be your sense of humor, generosity or the work you’ve created with your hands.
I was talking with a colleague the other day about someone we mutually knew, though he less than I. He said, “Oh yeah, Kristin, from Accenture, right? It was an easy descriptor but nevertheless, that’s simply how Kristin may be known to everyone! Kristin from that company. Good or bad, for better or for worse.
We become known by the company or the work we perform. That job may simply be a means to an end, an occupation that may not even come close to defining who we are or how we want people to know and remember us.
A job is only a job for so many people. It’s ultimately survival. We may have a burning desire to survive and, that carrot in front of us does help us get up out of bed when we’re way too tired. Because the baby was crying at 3:30 and we needed to make sure she was OK. Because we wouldn’t stop writing at 12:30 at night because we had achieved literary nirvana- a golden rush of new ideas.
I’ve simply come to believe through my own experience and the observation of so many others, that survival, as crazy as this may seem, is not enough. There has to be more. We hunger for something greater than just supporting ourselves. We’re lucky and blessed to have the gifts we have but when we’re honest with ourselves, that’s simply not enough.
We aspire to a higher level of human achievement. The power to create and become who we want is in our minds and in our hands. We design our future and the life we are called to live.
I want to hear from you! Let me know your thoughts on this piece and recommend to others if you feel so inclined. If you’re really feeling lucky, please consider following me here on Medium! Thank you so very kindly for reading.