Why does it take suffering to make us change our reality?
Why not just start now?
When you ask someone, “What would you do if you found out you were going to die tomorrow/in a week/in a year?” it’s usually some variation of:
1. Quit their job
2. Travel the world
3. Do all the things they wanted to do on their bucket list
It’s clear that the person is not satisfied with their current life because they never ever say, “Do exactly what I’m doing right now.” So it made me ask myself, “Why does it take some sort of tragedy or dramatic life event to push someone into doing the things they really want to do?”
My life’s tragedy
I think back to myself two years ago. I was working a job in finance I absolutely hated. I was doing barely half of the things I wanted to be doing. And l felt like life was living me instead of me living life.
Yet, on July 2nd, 2016 a terrorist attack had hit home.
Suddenly, nothing I thought was important was actually important.
I remember it being 2am when I found out I had three friends trapped in the hostage situation. I remember it being 5am when I found out my three friends had been killed. And I remember sitting there on my bed, sweating from the NY heat, wondering if this was actually happening.
I went to work on Monday, riddled in tears in uncontrollable bouts. Eventually I mustered up the courage to tell my manager what I was going through. He said:
“You don’t have to work right now. None of this matters. Go home.”
And he was right. Nothing I was doing in the grand scheme of things actually mattered. So I asked myself, “Why was I doing something that didn’t matter to me?”
Fear. Uncertainty. Not having all the answers. Doing what I thought I was supposed to do. Trying to prove a point. Social validation.
The train ride back to Grand Central Station was about one hour. The walk from Grand Central to my apartment was 30 minutes. In that time, I started to ask myself what did I really want to do?
What sort of mark did I want to leave on the world and the people around me? And why on earth was I “paying my dues” for a future life that I wasn’t even guaranteed to live.
Life is short.
You can’t plan it. You can’t predict it. I never predicted a terrorist attack killing three of my friends when they were under 20 years old.
Someone else’s tragedy
I remember attending a talk at my university with several small business owners. One story stood out to me. It came from a well-built, middle-aged man. He had a loud personality. He was a straight shooter. And he wasn’t afraid to be upfront and honest. I loved it.
He owned a fast-growing jewelry business. But how he got there was another story. His family owned a jewelry manufacturing company in Providence, but he wanted a fast-paced life. He left for the world of finance and pursued investment banking. And he was damn good at it.
But in 2013, his younger brother lost a battle with cancer at the age of 33.
His brother’s dream was to re-invent their family business and restore the plant they had run around in as kids. So this founder left his job, moved back to Rhode Island, and launched the company to keep his brother’s dream alive. Now, they’re kicking pretty solid ass.
Your tragedy?
Can you think of something in your own life where you experienced so much pain or suffering that you decided to do something about it? It was probably a great motivator.
You probably got shit done. But what if we didn’t have to go through that step?
How about we skip the tragedy?
What if we can have that Aha moment before we got to that extreme point of suffering? Why do we need to go through that low when we have the autonomy and power to actually start living life the way we want to right now?
I’m an idealist but I’m also a realist. Pain works as a motivator because it sucks. We don’t want to feel it again so we do everything in our willpower to avoid it.
However, I challenge you to do some thought experiments in your life.
Aha moment thought experiments
Play out some hypothetical situations. Or perhaps some situations that are closer to reality than we would like to admit.
What if you had a bad accident and lost your mobility?
What if someone close to you died?
What if you got fired tomorrow from the job you probably don’t like?
What if you got some really rare disease?
What would you start doing? How would you lead your life differently? And what are your reasons for not doing that right now?
Now, throw away some of the less-than-sustainable ideas.
Yes, I know you want to sell everything you own, travel for a year and do the whole eat, pray, love thing. But that doesn’t pay the bills.
Hopefully though, you do have some themes or ideas you’ve always wanted to explore. Perhaps travel a little more. Spend more time with friends and family. Explore that “silly” idea. Start painting (again). Learn a new instrument. Quit your job.
Now, what are small things you can do in your current life to start living the life you just imagined?
Traveling is less expensive than it seems. Save a little each month. Read travel hack blogs like The Points Guy. Subscribe to flight deal emails like Scott’s Cheap Flights. (I’m not getting any affiliate stuff here. These are just sources I use and recommend.)
Block out some time in your calendar as people time.
Build out a landing page and ask 15 of your friends if they’d buy your product.
Sign up for a class to learn that new skill.
Start talking to people and asking your friends about new job opportunities.
But I’m scared I’ll fail
If the thing stopping you is fear of failure or uncertainty, try this exercise Tim Ferris popularized called Fear Setting. Watch his TED talk about it here. But if you don’t have the time, here’s the basics of it.
Step 1: Define, Prevent, Repair
Make three columns with the headings, define, prevent, repaid.
In define, list the worst things that could happen if you pursue that idea. Write down 10–20 items.
In prevent, list how you can stop the bad things you listed in define.
In repair, if the worst thing happens, write down how you would repair each thing.
Step 2: Benefits
In benefits, write down all the benefits if you’re successful or partially successful.
Step 3: Cost of inaction
Make three columns with the headings, 6 months, 1 year, 3 years.
In each column, write down all the things you would potentially miss out in 6 months, 1 year, 3 years if you didn’t pursue your idea.
So really, what are you waiting for?
I’m not telling you to drop your entire life. That would be foolish frankly (South Asian coming out in me). But, there are tiny things we can do in our day to day to start living closer to how we want to.
Don’t use the excuse of not having enough time to change. You do have the time to do this.
When you prioritize change, you make the time to change.
If you don’t, then you’re going to lead the same, boring life until something tragic or painful happens and you wonder, what the fuck am I doing with life?
“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” -Maybe Einstein
So how about we skip the bad part and just get to the good part? :)
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