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Death Changes the Question “How Are You Doing”
I never know how to answer the question
Them: How are you?
Me (What I wish I could say): How am I? That’s a complicated question. How much time do you have? Let’s see. Where should I start? I guess I’ll start with the death. My mom died a year ago. Unexpectedly. Although, I suppose, if it were expected, it wouldn’t make it any better. I watched her die 30 minutes before my birthday. That sucked. One minute she was here. Alive, healthy, and vibrant. The best mom. The best wife. The best grandma to my young son. Then, she was just dead. I’ve been learning to live without the person I would talk to daily.
Grief is confusing. Have you ever experienced grief? I’m sorry. Am I talking too much? I feel like I’m talking too much. I’ll keep going if that’s okay. So, yeah, grief is confusing. Like, one moment, I’m doing fine. Fine as in I’m not breaking down and crying all the time. I pretty much always think about her. But sometimes, I can think about it without going into a panic. Then, out of nowhere, something reminds me of her, and the tears start flowing.
Sometimes, I’m angry. Jealous. Depressed. Lonely. Sometimes, the thought of going another day without her fills me with such anxiety and dread that I literally have to scream inside of my head to “STOP IT.” So that’s…
