How To Find Common Ground With A Teenager
There comes a time in every family’s life when children turn into teenagers. And usually, then begin the problems associated with communication. Many parents feel helpless because they cannot find common ground with their children. And if yesterday it was enough to buy them ice cream to make them smile, today they prefer to shut themselves in their room and don’t want to share with anyone what is happening in their lives. The gulf between the different generations grows every day until, finally, it can come to complete alienation.
If you want to minimize “side effects” in communication with your adolescent child, you need to change your behavior as a parent.
The first thing you need to make clear is that you are now the parent of a teenager, not a child. It’s entirely possible that many of the tactics you’ve used so far in communication won’t have the same success. The reason — in addition to maturing physically, kids change their personalities and interests. Rising hormone levels lead to changes in some of the basic brain functions, affecting judgment and feelings.
But no matter how much your children change their behavior, it’s a fallacy to think they don’t need you. On the contrary — more than ever, they need advice on how to understand themselves.
Don’t have conversations when you or your child are emotionally unstable. This will strain your relationship even more because you may, under the influence of the mood, say words you will regret.
Be empathetic and try not to criticize. If you listen more than you talk, you will certainly prejudice your teenager. Try not to judge and react hastily.
Forget about pointing fingers, crossing arms, or putting them on your waist. These gestures express open hostility and non-acceptance of your child’s thoughts. If you choose to self-monitor during an argument, you’ll probably notice that you use some of these too.
For your communication to be successful and positive, you need to smile more, nod in agreement, and control your facial expression. In many cases, it takes very little effort to unlock a child’s heart for you. If your face and body show continuity, it will be a sure sign that you are also internally ready to be an active listener.
Avoid “lecturing.” If you want your teen to listen to you, try to voice your opinion and give advice in a softer way. Even if you don’t approve of their decision, ask them how they came to it first, and don’t hastily overwhelm them with criticisms before you’ve heard everything. Don’t assume that your child doesn’t want to know your opinion on matters important to them. If they show such signs, it is probably because they have already had the experience of your ‘lectures.’
Remember that in the period of maturation, adolescents begin to feel a greater need for privacy and protection of their personal opinions. Be understanding and supportive of your child’s first attempts to make independent decisions. This is a good sign that they have the prospect of becoming independent adults with their own vision of what is happening in their lives.
In conflict resolution, it is crucial how you structure your statements. Statements beginning with “I” show how you feel in a given situation. In this case, you are describing the direct consequences on you of the child’s behavior. If you start the sentence with “you,” you will sound more accusatory, and the teen is likely to go on the defensive. And you know that allowing this to happen makes it unlikely that you will end the conversation in a peaceful manner.
Find time in your daily routine for more casual chatter. Discover what your child is interested in. Try not to create uncomfortable interrogations at dinner or directly after school because this will bring tension to your teen every time it happens.
Give as many examples as possible from your personal experience. Recount what you experienced when you were the child’s age. Don’t spare the mistakes you made, either. In this way, you will melt the distance, and from a parent, you will become a friend.
Find time to do different fun things together as a family, both at home and out. Just because your child is grown doesn’t mean you can’t find a common language and interests that help you maintain a close relationship. Remember that whenever they have second thoughts about what is best for them, you will be the person who can show them through your love and support what the right path is.
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