We Tried Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. Here’s What Happened.
Before Eve Rodsky introduced me to Fair Play, I was a new mom of two boys, ages 1 and 3.
It was a typical Sunday afternoon in our household. We’d just come home from church, and I remember feeling particularly exhausted that day.
“Go upstairs, I got it,” my husband said, sensing my weariness. With gratitude, I retreated upstairs, sinking into the rare quietude of an uninterrupted rest.
I woke up an hour later, feeling kind of refreshed but still a bit out of it. I glanced at the clock — yikes, it was already 4:55 PM. Dinner at my mom’s was set for 5 PM. I bolted downstairs, and immediately, this sinking feeling hit me right in the gut.
I was greeted by chaos: the kids were still in their play clothes, running around the kitchen counter, their half-eaten snacks strewn across the table, and not a single item packed for our outing. Panic and frustration surged through me as I frantically listed out the tasks still undone: clean up the mess, change the baby’s diaper, ensure our toddler had used the bathroom, pack the diaper bag with essentials, and prepare the milk bottles — which, to my dismay, hadn’t been washed yet.
My husband, oblivious to my growing anxiety, cheerfully asked, “Did you have a good nap?” My response, terse and tinged with urgency, belied the inner turmoil I felt. “It was fine, but we need to hurry now. We’re going to be so late!” His expression shifted to one of confusion, unable to grasp the source of my distress.
And after we, of course, arrived late to dinner, my husband casually remarked, “It’s okay if we’re late.” But it wasn’t okay, not to me. When I questioned why he hadn’t prepared for our departure, his shrug and a nonchalant “Just let me know next time” struck a chord in me.
This incident, seemingly mundane, was a revelation. It was the moment I realized that the mental load of our family life — the planning, organizing, and anticipating of needs — was invisibly, yet mostly, resting on my shoulders.
The Problem is the Mental Load
Realizing I was overwhelmed and annoyed with my husband but not knowing why led to a breakthrough. I found my answer in a Huffington Post article about ‘mental load’ while scrolling online.
Finally, I had a name for what I’d been feeling!
The thing is — my husband has always been more than just helpful — he’s my best friend and someone I deeply love. Before we had kids, managing our household was a breeze. We did everything together — from cooking to cleaning, and our Sundays were blissfully simple, with naps followed by leisurely deciding what to eat. Life was about just us. But with kids, the equation changed. More needs to be considered, more decisions to make, and significantly less time to do things ‘together.’
It’s not like we’re short on external support. Both sets of our retired parents are incredibly involved, always ready to lend a hand with baby care and more. This made it even harder to pinpoint why I felt so overwhelmed, scattered, and as if my husband and I were shouldering unequal burdens, despite our seemingly equal roles on the surface.
We both work full-time and share household chores, but the real game-changer has been the mental load — a term I was unaware of until that eye-opening article.
The mental load involves all the invisible, ongoing mental tasks involved in managing a home and family. It’s not just about doing physical chores; it’s the planning, organizing, decision-making, and remembering that’s constantly running in the background. It includes the invisible work of thinking ahead and tracking minutiae, the constant planning and organizing of schedules, appointments, and meals, the emotional labor of attending to the family’s well-being, the relentless decision-making, and the perpetual cycle of remembering and reminding — from birthdays to bills.
Tragically, in many households, mothers often end up carrying a disproportionate share of this mental load. In my case, I was the one juggling the mental checklist: keeping track of birthdays, managing everyone’s schedules, knowing when we’re running low on essentials like toilet paper, coordinating visits from our parents, and so much more.
This same article introduced me to Eve Rodsky and her game-changing approach, ‘Fair Play,’ opening a new chapter in how I approached family life and partnership.
What is Fair Play? And Who is Eve Rodsky?
Fair Play by Eve Rodsky isn’t just any self-help book; it’s a guide that analyzes the unbalanced scales of household duties and the often invisible mental load carried in relationships, especially those of heterosexual couples. Rodsky’s book came out in 2019, offering practical steps to split household chores more evenly, making sure both partners pitch in equally.
I got familiar with Eve Rodsky’s principles by diving into podcasts, exploring reviews from couples who’ve put her system into practice, and joining the Fair Play Facebook Group community. Below is a video where she discusses her system in detail.
Eager to dive in, it didn’t take long before I bought the Fair Play cards and tackled the first step: getting my husband on board.
Introducing Fair Play to My Husband
Bringing up Fair Play to my husband was a rollercoaster of emotions for me. Discovering something that resonated so deeply with how I felt had me buzzing with excitement to share it with him.
Yet, in my eagerness, I might have overwhelmed him, spilling all my pent-up feelings at once — feeling unequal, swamped, and that things just weren’t fair.
Our first few conversations? Far from smooth.
I was brimming with frustration, and he put up defenses — a far cry from the team dynamic I had hoped for.
Looking back, actually reading Rodsky’s book might have given me better insight into tackling the discussion more gently. Nonetheless, we eventually agreed on the Fair Play philosophy.
Deciding to try out the card system was a pivotal moment, despite the temptation to use it as proof of my heavier load.
But the real breakthrough came when I let go of my bitterness. As soon as we adjusted our attitudes, we began to embrace Fair Play, building a partnership focused on equality and support rather than tallying who did what.
Embracing the Steps of Fair Play
After finally opening up to my husband about how I felt and letting go of some past resentment, we started to see the path forward more clearly. The heart of getting started with Fair Play was all about that initial chat and shifting our mindset. We realized we were in this together, like teammates working on a big project called ‘home.’
Breaking Down the Tasks
Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play sorts out household chores into areas like Childcare, Household Maintenance, and others, right down to planning fun stuff, which she calls ‘Magic.’ Each of the 100 cards covers not just doing the task but also planning it, aiming to balance the workload between us.
We sifted through the cards, setting aside ones that didn’t fit our life right now, like “Kids Extracurriculars,” and ditched others we both didn’t care much about, such as “holiday cards.” This exercise opened my eyes to the tasks my husband was handling that I hadn’t fully appreciated, like all the tech stuff and car maintenance.
Understanding the Four Rules
Eve Rodsky’s “Fair Play” system is based on four fundamental rules designed to guide couples in fairly dividing household tasks and responsibilities. These rules are essential for the system to work effectively and ensure that both partners feel valued and supported. Here’s a breakdown of the four rules:
- All Time is Created Equal: This rule emphasizes that every partner’s time is of equal value, regardless of their job, income, or any other external factors. It challenges the notion that one person’s time could be more valuable than the other’s, promoting a mindset that both partners’ contributions to the household are equally important. This equality forms the basis for fair negotiation and division of tasks.
- Reclaim Your Right to Be Interesting: Rodsky stresses the importance of each partner having the opportunity to pursue their own interests and hobbies outside of their work and household responsibilities. This rule is about ensuring that both individuals can maintain their identities and personal growth, which is crucial for their overall happiness and the health of the relationship. It acknowledges that personal time is not a luxury but a necessity for a balanced life.
- Start Where You Are Now: This rule encourages couples to assess their current situation honestly and begin making changes from there rather than aiming for an idealized or unrealistic division of labor. It’s about recognizing and working with the existing dynamics, responsibilities, and schedules in your household and then gradually implementing changes toward a more balanced distribution of tasks.
- Establish Your Minimum Standard of Care: Finally, this rule involves agreeing on the minimum standards for how tasks should be completed to prevent disagreements over quality and effort. It’s about finding common ground on what is acceptable for both partners and ensuring that tasks are done to a mutually agreed-upon standard. This helps in avoiding micromanagement and dissatisfaction with how tasks are executed.
Together, these four rules provide a framework for couples to approach the division of household tasks in a way that respects both partners’ time and contributions, fosters individual interests, acknowledges current realities, and sets clear expectations for task execution.
Dealing the Cards
Initially, we physically dealt the cards so we could visually see who was responsible for what. Then, we created a Google doc listing the tasks, minimum standards of care, and other details. It’s a document we frequently refer to. However, having the cards physically at the beginning was incredibly helpful visually. We then tackled everything: childcare, cleaning, food, calendar management, teacher communication, and definitely, who packs the diaper bag?
Owning the Tasks
One key feature that really distinguishes Fair Play from other systems is its unique approach to task ownership. Holding a card in the Fair Play system means you’re fully responsible for that task, overseeing every aspect from its initial planning to its final execution.
For example, I’m the holder of the “morning routine” card, making me responsible for all the morning activities — from waking our boys, ensuring they brush their teeth, to preparing their breakfast and packing everything they need for school or daycare. Conversely, my husband holds the “nighttime routine” card, which means he’s in charge of the evening activities. This includes herding the kids upstairs for their baths, helping them into their pajamas, and the much-loved bedtime story session.
This division of labor means I’m not barred from the nighttime routine — I can join in for storytime or help out. Yet, my husband primarily ensures these tasks are done nightly, bearing the accountability if they’re not. This setup clarifies our roles, minimizes overlap, and promotes ownership and responsibility, leading to a more orderly home and better family dynamics.
Making it Our Own
The cards can be tailored to meet the specific needs of your family, offering flexibility in how tasks are divided.
There were instances where a card needed to be split between us. Although the system might not explicitly encourage splitting cards, for our family, it simply made more sense to divide certain responsibilities to ensure fairness. For example, childcare duties are shared; I manage the morning routines while he takes over in the evenings.
Similarly, we divided household chores to play to our strengths and preferences: I’m in charge of keeping the kitchen clean, whereas he looks after the bathroom cleaning. When it comes to financial responsibilities, I focus on the bigger picture, like our retirement planning, while he takes care of the daily financial tasks, such as bill payments.
My husband spends more time engaging the kids in play, a role he naturally excels in and enjoys. On the other hand, I take the lead in organizing and packing whatever is needed before we head out, ensuring everything is prepared and nothing is forgotten.
This customized approach to dividing tasks has allowed us to balance our workload more effectively, ensuring that neither of us feels overwhelmed or unfairly burdened. It underscores the system’s adaptability, allowing us to modify it in a way that best supports our family’s unique dynamics and needs.
Keeping the Lines Open
A significant emphasis of the Fair Play system is on the importance of communication. Dealing the cards doesn’t guarantee perfection. Eve Rodsky suggests weekly, if not daily, check-ins to ensure everything is running smoothly.
These check-ins aren’t meant for nagging or blaming when tasks are incomplete. Instead, they’re opportunities to confirm that both partners understand their roles and expectations. They also serve as moments to show understanding and flexibility, especially during challenging times, such as if one partner loses their job. In such cases, the other might temporarily take on more responsibilities.
We created a Google doc for our tasks, but we didn’t need to consult it at every check-in. I find Rodsky’s advice on consistent check-ins crucial — it’s all about maintaining open communication.
This approach ensures my spouse is aware of my contributions, which is exactly what I needed: recognition.
For my husband, it provided something equally vital: clarity.
5 Tips on Using Fair Play from Our Experience
Going on the Fair Play journey with my husband has reshaped our approach to household responsibilities, offering valuable lessons along the way. Here are five tips from our experience:
- Embrace a Fresh Start: Letting go of past issues is crucial. A fresh perspective aids in embracing Fair Play’s equitable task division without the weight of previous grievances.
- Customize the System: Tailor Fair Play to suit your family. Adjusting tasks or creating new cards ensures the system fits your unique needs, making it more effective and personal.
- Commit to Communication: Regular discussions about task distribution are essential. These check-ins foster understanding and teamwork, helping adjust the load as needed.
- Stay Flexible: Be prepared to adapt as your family’s needs change. Flexibility allows Fair Play to remain a viable solution through different life stages.
- Practice Patience: Implementing Fair Play takes time, especially in a household with children. Finding the right moments for discussion and adjustment is key, but the effort leads to a more supportive and cooperative family environment.
These streamlined tips highlight the importance of openness, customization, and patience in successfully integrating Fair Play into household management.
Conclusion: Being Fair is Just the Start
While we’re in no way perfect, implementing Fair Play by Eve Rodsky has been a game-changer.
Recently, while I was busy with work, my husband took care of the kids downstairs.
We were supposed to be at my mom’s house for dinner at 5 PM. At 4:55 PM, I rushed downstairs, ready to apologize for being late and to gather everything we needed.
“Brother, go pee!” I called out. But then I stopped, noticing the kids were already jacketed up and the diaper bags packed. “Brother already peed, and I changed baby’s diaper,” my husband informed me.
“But that’s my job!” I protested. “I know,” he replied, “but we had the time, and I knew what to do.”
I think that’s the key — we need to know what’s going on, acknowledge each other, and then give each other grace and serve each other wholeheartedly.
Because being fair is just the start.
