Why Do I Feel Ashamed of My Weight Gain?

Late-night thoughts about weight gain and the beach

Photo by Eirik Uhlen on Unsplash

My sister surprised us with plane tickets to Hawaii to visit my family. It was an early birthday gift, I suppose.

She called me and told me the “good” news, but I couldn’t help but feel sad. Although thankful for her extremely generous gift, I thought of all the reasons we shouldn’t go.

• My husband can’t afford to miss work.
• We don’t have the money for fun.
• I don’t have clothes to wear for a tropical vacation.
• I’m ashamed of how much weight I’ve gained.

I started to tell her we wouldn’t be able to go because of XYZ, but she insisted that I needed to get away and that Dad and the rest of the family wanted to meet my son.

I knew she was right.

I kept thinking about it the last few days and concluded I needed to stop caring about the reasons why it wasn’t a good idea.

I needed this. I needed this for my mental health. I needed it for my physical health. I needed to see my family, and I wanted them to meet my baby.

Photo by Balazs Busznyak on Unsplash

After the call, I had been shopping for swimwear, and I visualized how awful and insecure I was going to feel while on the beach.

But really…

• Why am I worried about what other people will think?
• Is it because people will stare?
• Is it because people will think my body is ugly?
• Is it because they will think less of me?

I don’t know if it’s about other people at all.

I think it all boils down to how I feel about myself. I’m ashamed because I know I haven’t been taking care of myself, and it has reflected on my body.

But so what?

I need to give my body some grace. It’s been through a lot this past year. I gave birth to a child, for goodness’ sake.

Photo by Anelya Okapova on Unsplash

Going on this vacation will be a great way to give myself some self-care, and maybe that will help me get out of the mental rut I’m currently in.

This time, I’ll focus on the positives.

I’ll enjoy my birthday. I’ll soak in the Vitamin D. I’ll swim in the ocean. I’ll catch up with my family.

I’ll let go of the shame.

I’ll forget my worries.

I’ll relax for the first time in a long while.

My Son Prefers His Father Over Me