How I Loosened the Reigns in Motherhood

Melissa Braun
Nov 6 · 6 min read

“She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
‘Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.’”

Proverbs 31:26–29 NIV


Melissa’s husband, Nathaniel, taking care of our son.

BACKSTORY

So I was up late last night doing homework, when my husband, Nathaniel, and I’s wedding song began playing on my Spotify playlist. This made me reflect on everything that my husband and I have been through together. I realized how much he’s helped me with the many tasks and challenges that I have. While counting my many blessings, I came to the realization that I initially denied a lot of my husband’s help when Isaac was firstborn.

In my head, only I knew how to correctly wash the many onesies and burp clothes that we had.

Only I could clean his nursery because I knew where everything went.

Only I could properly swaddle Isaac because everything else was wrong.

I have to admit, looking back on this mindset is hugely embarrassing. I was exhausted and overextended, so why did I deny the help? Not only did I deny the help from my husband, but from friends and family as well. So, like usual, I researched my many parenting websites to see if others struggled with accepting help as much as I did. Turns out, there are quite a few moms who couldn’t give up control that easily. I realized in all of my blogging, I kept sharing ways for others to help mothers, but I never addressed how mothers should allow the help that’s being offered.

Melissa’s mother-in-law helping feed Isaac.

LOOSENING THE REIGNS

After my son was born, the nurse came in to discuss what we should do once we were discharged from the hospital. She briefed over the usual: no heavy lifting, no intense exercising, etc. However, one thing that she said at the end made me gulp. She told us that I needed to rest and shouldn’t do much for a couple of weeks. Umm…excuse me? I had laundry and cleaning to do! I guess my facial expression said everything because she looked at me and sized me up.

“You’re a get-it-done type of girl, aren’t ya?” she asked.

“Well, sorta…” I sheepishly admitted. I always wanted to be a laidback type of girl who went with the flow and rolled with the punches, but I definitely AM NOT that type.

“Honey, let your husband help you,” she said, “loosen your reigns and let him do things for you! I was the same way when I had my first child. My husband would always try to do things for me, and I would always quietly go around and fix things to be the way that I wanted.”

“One day, he just stopped,” she continued, “I asked him why he suddenly wasn’t giving me a hand. He said, ‘why bother when you’re just going to do it your way anyway?’ I realized at that point that I would need to suck it up and let him do things his because I really did need help.”

“It’s hard doing everything on your own,” she said with an understanding look, “But you have to admit that you have your way and he has his way. Neither is better, and neither is worse. You just have to accept that things won’t go the way that you want.”

This conversation has been so impactful to my perspective on life. I feel like so many other moms could find relief by loosening their own reigns in their households.

Melissa’s father babysitting Isaac.

There are so many different reasons as to why mothers struggle to give up control, but I can name a few.

For one, some mothers are so set in their ways like I was. It wasn’t that Nathaniel did the laundry wrong, it’s just that I liked my way, and I wanted it to stay that way. I feel like there are plenty of women who feel the same way about different chores. Like there is a specific way to vacuum, wash the dishes, make the bed, or fold the clothes.

Or maybe it’s because of embarrassment or guilt. Some women don’t like to admit when they need help because they see themselves as the ones who give help, not receive it. Mothers are typically seen as the nurturers of the family, so it’s quite strange to become the one being nurtured suddenly.

Some might be afraid of becoming too needy. When they asked if I needed anything, was it to be polite? Or did they really mean it? Questions like these can plaque a mother’s mind and prevent them from wanting to accept offers.

Melissa’s relative taking care of Isaac.

Now that you learned some of the reasons as to why it might be hard to let go of control, its time to actually discuss how to give up control. Although it was tough at first, I eventually learned how to accept the help that was offered to me. I learned to view help as something that I was worthy of.

All mothers are allowed to accept help. Why? Because we need help. There’s a reason why the phrase “it takes a village to raise a child” is still commonly said today. Mothers can be nurturers, but they don’t have to be the only ones doing all of the nurturing. Husbands can help. Family members can help. Friends can help. Not only does this lighten the load off of the shoulders of mothers, but it also benefits the child by giving them a variety of role models to look up to and learn from.

Nathaniel giving Isaac a bath while the family dog, Gunner, watches.

Sure, having someone else vacuum, do the laundry, or dust is beneficial. But help doesn’t always have to be an either/or situation. Help can simply be assisting in the task that is being done so that its easier. For instance, many might think that bath time is a one-person job. However, Nathaniel and I split the duties. I prep the bathtub and get his nursery ready for nighttime while Nathaniel bathes Isaac. Once Nathaniel moves to the other room to dry off our son, I clean up the bathroom and throw everything dirty in the laundry basket. This way, when Isaac is all moisturized and in his sleeper, bath time is all cleaned up and put away. This teamwork system can be transferred over into so many other chores and tasks! This is also great for mothers who still struggle giving up total control because it lets them still be involved to a certain extent.

PARTING THOUGHTS

Mothers should accept the help that is offered to them. They shouldn’t feel like they have to pretend that everything’s fine and under control 24/7. Being in control becomes tiring, and even the most on-top-of-everything moms need a break or assistance. Don’t worry about feeling like a nuisance or feeling guilty or shameful, there are always people who genuinely want to help!

Know a mom who struggles accepting help? Share this post!

Are you a mom who used to be in total control? Tell your story in the comment section below!

The Mom Life

Motherhood: A wild journey full of ups and downs and lots of iced coffee♡

Melissa Braun

Written by

Wife, mother, dog lover, Penn State student, follower of CHRIST. I write about motherhood and the many challenges and questions that come with it.

The Mom Life

Motherhood: A wild journey full of ups and downs and lots of iced coffee♡

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