The Monocle of Higher Education

If your T.A. asks any of the following questions, it’s probably time for a replacement.

Doc, Mr. Brown, Emmett, daddy-o. You hold a PhD, and yet you purport to be “a student of all sciences.”

Our priority is to convince parents to pay full tuition and housing so their child can complete online courses from a quarantined dorm…

If you give a professor a 600 dollar stimulus check,

Dear Santa, It is not the intention of this letter to debate that nature of “good” and “bad,” or “naughty” or “nice.”

Please Stop Making Me Watch You All Day

The year is 5020, and rubrics now control every aspect of human life. America itself is run by RubriCorp, a monopolistic mega-corporation…

Birthing a dissertation is physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausting, so if you find yourself experiencing post-PhD blues, you…

It doesn’t matter at all to me who won or lost this election.

Every breath you take, every payment you don’t make, I’ll be watching you.

April 2, 2020. We hate cheating! We hate it so much that we at the College Board have made our tests fully cheating-proof, as you’ll see…

Having trouble with Canvas, Blackboard, or other LMS? It may be because you have been summoning the wrong demon / god / goddess to make…

PIERRE, TEX. — An adjunct professor of creative writing at a local junior college offed himself today after reading 27 straight student…

As a recent YouState graduate and proud YouState Younicorn for life,

UTICA, NY — Local stripper Jasmine Tate, 22, hopes to be able to quit college soon so that she can spend more time in the skin trade.

Pet attendance is subject to limitations. Sustained eye contact with pets will result in partial deduction of daily attendance grade.

Students will list logical questions: If hand sanitizer is just alcohol, can we drink it?

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Oh Great, Gerald Has Something Else to Say

Please collaborate with satellite trucks and/or your students’ local McDonald’s to ensure continued internet access.

Let’s just go ahead and change the saying to “all intensive purposes.”

I’m going to swear — On the first day!

For the first essay, assign a personal narrative. In your grading comments, suggest that the student appears to be self-centered and think…

We have a few questions about the fall.