Have a Nice Poop
8 a.m. Woke up to the following text message sent to a group thread that my high school chums and I have
((((Context: since we were 15 these chums and I have called ourselves “The Poop Troop” I believe it was after someone told us: “You are the only girls in school who I can actually imagine pooping” That person meant it as an insult? We took it as a compliment.)))))
9:45 a.m. As I exited my building, a human man was entering my building. He did not look where he was going and had I not reached out he would directly hit me with his entire body face on. Somehow though, and I don’t know how, I had not just put my arm out to stop him, but I had ended up with his upper arm in a clasp. How???? I don’t know. He made no moves to step back he was one inch away from my face when he said “OH SORRY!” and spat. He spat directly in my face.
10 a.m. Arrive at GH for breakfast with Audrey Polinsky. Audrey Polinsky is so cool. She ordered a grilled cheese for breakfast WITH bacon. hash browns on the side. She got a side order of an egg and put it IN THE GRILLED CHEESE. Audrey Polinski is so cool.
11.15 a.m. I was told to keep my voice down. This is the second time in The Golden House Restaurant that I have been told this! The human man with a wife and a baby in the booth over said: “ ECHEM. We are trying to talk!” I remember thinking; “ Well, yeah buddy, so am I.” Also, “If you are having a conversation that relies on quietness in your surroundings why are you having said conversation in a noisy diner in the first place? go back to your condo”
12.00 PM I PICKED UP MY BIKES FROM UPTOWN BIKES. IF YOU EVER HAVE ANY BIKE TRUBBLES, GO THERE MARIA IS THE SHIT!
12:30 PM I stopped by a garage sale on my way to Logan Square. The people were advertising this garage sale from a full mile away. Were talking balloons! Were talking neon signs! I thought oh man this garage sale is going to be lit. It was the LAMEST GARAGE SALE I HAVE EVER IN MY 26 YEARS BEEN TO. They had only two tables of shit and like four shirts. They were selling hotel shampoos in plastic baggies for 4 dollars. You can buy a normal sized real shampoo for 2.95!! Someone please tell her!
1:20 PM Revolution Brewing was very crowded. While I was waiting for Bill to get off work and to be seated, I walked over to look at this new popsicle place on California and Fullerton. I have a lot of complicated (mostly negative) thoughts about this popsicle place…
The place is kinda like a “La Michoacana” paleta/helado store except the paletas are way more expensive, smaller and a whole lot less options. The vibes are like someone took over a kiddie indoor playground gymboree thing, and then kidnapped a bunch of white women/SAIC students to be the store’s employees, BUT NOT BEFORE getting them all matching jumpsuits that they bought from someone’s niche etsy.
While I was waiting around, waiting for my table, I responded to the group message from earlier that day:
2:00 PM Eating a Bill donut. This one is cardamom/mango/ and pistachio. It tastes So Good In the Mouth. I also got Chilaquiles. I talked at an appropriate level, apparently, cause no one here told me to be quiet.
3 PM? I called my mom and she told me to throw away all of my Teflon pans cause she is worried they will give me cancer. Then we talked for another 30 minutes, occasionally interrupted by the goddamn AIR N WATER SHOW overhead.
(Hey human man from the Diner, at least I am not a plane)
3:45–5 pm HEAT NAP IN BILL’S BED. Wake up to another group thread response:
6 PM-9:45PM BABYSITTING
( and somewhere in there another poop-troop friend on the group thread responds)
10:00 PM: Montrose. Albany Park. Human Man with bottle of Lagunitas beer in his hand (the dog one) in front of what looked like a large barn loudly playing loud Aretha Franklin (RIP) music Stops me to tell me I can come to his “Party” because I am “Cute and on a bike”. My RSVP to him is to decline and ride away.10:15 PM: Montrose and California. I am waved down by a weird lady and a human man. (Our fourth of the day? Not counting Bill who is not a man but a donut machine) Both are drunk. Human man is holding weird lady’s shoes. Both of their phones are dead and they are lost, walking in the wrong direction and trying to get back to uptown. Weird Lady keeps swaying into my parked bike while she talks to me.
Me: Do you have cash I will call you a Lyft?
Her: I have debit. I have credit. I have weed. I have cocaine.
Me: I will just Venmo request you.
Her: Thank you. I love you.
The Lyft gets there and she writes the Venmo request on my phone. The note she leaves herself is “Safe.”
11 pm. I get home, wondering if this Weird Lady will send me the money or if it was like I just threw 10 dollars in a garbage can. Lo and behold she does! With a heart emoji as the comment.
What do you think internet, should I comment back: “What about the coke you promised?”
Out of curiosity, I look at Weird Lady’s Venmo transaction history. “Portillos” “Emoji of a balloon” one just says “Pooping….”
Full circle. Long live poop.
