Get to Bed, Mom and Dad

How to Sleep Train a Parent

I vaguely recall an incident years ago when I sat in a daze outside our flat as the security alarm blared for over half an hour. I had just taken my newborn baby out for a walk and was in such a comatose state I simply could not recall the code to shut it off. That moment set off a rather large investment of time and money on “sleep training” so that I could return to work full-time in a semi-coherent state. While I attempted to optimise every aspect of my new baby’s resting patterns, I failed to notice I had entirely lost control of my own ability to get any proper sleep.

We are often so focused on our children’s development and well-being that we sacrifice our own sleep, thus depriving ourselves of emotional stability, rational thought, and sound health. We stay up late to finish that last bit of work, complete the household chores, or just have some quiet time to ourselves. The result is a vicious cycle of waking up in an impatient, hazy state and compensating with excess caffeine and sugar to mask the chronic exhaustion.

The research is not pretty. In the short term, poor sleep causes our cognitive functioning to suffer, as well as our memory, discipline, and emotional stability. Over the longer term, the risks of obesity and chronic disease increase massively.

For a deep dive into slumber, Matthew Walker sheds light on the purpose of sleep and its benefits in Why We Sleep. The book takes decades of research on sleep and confirms some things we always suspected but hadn’t actually seen validated by science. Yes, eight hours of sleep a night is optimal (over 35% of Americans claim to sleep under 7 hours a night). No, caffeine does not make up for a poor night’s sleep. And no, you really cannot catch up on lost sleep with future snooze sessions.

How can we improve our sleep to be better parents and healthier, more productive humans? Here’s what I’ve learned from sleep trainers, research, and practical implementation:

• Routine is key: It’s confusing for your body to experience five early mornings and evenings a week and then much later hours on the weekends. The closer you can keep to a consistent eight-hour window of sleep, the better.
• Protect sleep earlier in your sleep cycle: Evening sleep is composed of a series of 90-minute sleep cycles during which our brains move from deep, non-rapid eye movement (non-REM) sleep to REM sleep. Walker explains that it’s the non-REM sleep, believed to be deeper and more restorative than dream-laden REM sleep, which dominates our earlier sleep cycles. Thus, your three-year-old’s habit of coming into bed every night at eleven is probably not great for either of you.
• Diet: Sugar and caffeine are crutches for short-term survival but are detrimental in the long-term as they do not promote deep, rejuvenating sleep. If you have to, consume caffeine earlier in the day and stay hydrated. In addition, alcohol may put you into a sleep-like state, but it is actually both a sleep disrupter and a suppressant of REM sleep.
• Exercise: When we feel too fatigued for a vigorous workout, even moderate exercise like walking outside can help us calm our minds. Fresh air and natural light help induce deep sleep which enable the brain and body to rejuvenate. I always find our children sleep better after walking or playing in the park as well.
• Napping: When faced with sleepless nights, the old wives’ tale of “sleep when the baby sleeps” has some truth behind it. Well-timed naps can help compensate for poor sleep as long as they are kept to under an hour (20 minutes seems to be ideal according to the experts) and taken early in the afternoon.
• Room Setting: Your bedroom should be cool (around 65 F / 18 C) and dark to promote the best sleep (Anecdotally we have always had sleep issues in our family but when our boiler broke on a chilly evening the kids finally all slept through the night!) Blue light from screens and LED lights should be limited in the hours approaching bedtime.

Parents of all ages tend to wear their “state of exhaustion” as a badge of honour. But in an age of around-the-clock stimulus, it takes a great deal of discipline and courage to put sleep first. The result will be a happier, healthier, more patient adult and ultimately a much better parent and partner.