PARENTING IN A WORLD OF UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
It is truly amazing how much righteousness and judgement complete strangers will feel free to fling at mothers. Fathers usually get a pass for all but the most obviously egregious behavior. They are expected to be barely involved, which means anything more is golden.
Mothers, however, are expected to be perfect according to someone else’s values. No wonder moms become overloaded with stress and guilt when the kids arrive.
This is where it can help to be a non-conformist. If you’ve lived your life wearing your own wild style, walking to your own wacko beat, insisting on your own skewed perspective, then you’re accustomed to not really giving a hoot about what other, less brilliant people, think about you!
I suggest that as you move into parenthood you cultivate a bit of this attitude. We have tons we can learn from each other, but you’re also going to get hit with some really irritating and ridiculous stuff.
One of my favorite judgements shows up over and over in parenting articles. Parents who spend time actually playing with their kids on the playground get accused of “helicopter parenting.” This, we are told, is a no, no!
Instead, we should let kids explore on their own without robbing them of the ownership of their own growth and discovery. Oh. Okay, you say. So, you take the kids to the park, and let them go a bit.
You sit on the bench and after a minute you pull out your phone and…gasp! You read your email! Now you are judged as a horrible parent because you’re looking at your phone when you could be “engaged” with your kids.
Sure, we can talk about cell phone overuse. However, we need to recognize that we don’t know what’s happening in other people’s lives, and let go of the urge to judge.
Let’s see, what other crazy expectations will come your way as a new mom.
1. Look sexy and not “momish.”
2. Don’t look tired. You can be tired, but you can’t look it.
3. Make all baby foods from scratch, organic only. Store it in glass containers.
4. Bond with you child and keep them attached to you.
5. Let you child roam free and don’t become overly enmeshed.
6. Breast feed for a year even when you work outside your home.
7. “Lean in” at work.
8. Meet the needs of your children, your spouse, your elderly parents, your friends, your dog, your cat. Forget your own needs…no time for that!
9. Spend your few free moments making large batches of food from scratch and then organize and pack them for the family’s next week of meals.
10. Get up an hour early to go running every day.
11. Give up on your little bit of free time at night, and go to bed early, so you can get up and go running in the dark.
12. Organize everything in your house into bright colorful containers. (Ha! Like it’s going to last more than 30 seconds!)
13. Stay on top of all vaccines, doctor visits, dental care, preschools, nannies, babysitters, spouse’s schedule, your schedule, your kid’s school schedules, kid’s activity schedules, work schedules. Cross reference all of this into one master schedule that no one but you will look at.
14. Volunteer at your kid’s school.
15. Volunteer at a soup kitchen with your kids.
16. Bake cupcakes for school birthday parties and bake sales. Use cute decorations. Slip in a bit of wheat germ, chia seed, flax or other “healthy” ingredients.
17. Keep a clean and stylish home. (Ha, ha, ha, hee, hee!)
18. Purchase only environmentally friendly toys.
19. Use a diaper service rather than disposables.
20. Potty train at 1-year-old. They do it in China, right?
21. Use only organic laundry detergent and hand scrub every stain before it’s washed.
22. Make sure your kids get fluoride.
23. Make sure your kids don’t get fluoride.
24. Never feed your kids fast food even if you’re a single working mom with three jobs and your kids are bonking.
25. Make ends meet after years of no pay increases, and multiple kids in daycare, while you “Lean In” at work, and take care of your aging parents, and…
It just goes on and on. At some point, you’ve just got to throw out the crazy stuff, love your kids, do the best you can, and trust that it will be good enough. Because that’s all any of us really manage anyway!
Kathleen Cawley is a physician assistant and author. She is a regular guest columnist for the Auburn Journal where she writes on parenting and childhood. Her book, Navigating the Shock of Parenthood: Warty Truths and Modern Practicalities — from a mom with twins, is available in ebook on Amazon. Paperback coming Feb. 15, 2023.
