Self Affirmations Aren’t Silly, Especially When You Have a Daughter
If I were to write about all the parts of myself I don’t like, I would produce a novel. It would be multiple volumes, perhaps a trilogy, covering the Early Years, the Middle Ages, followed by the End of Days. Chapters of each text would be organized thematically, including:
- My Terrible Teens and 20’s
2. Two Decades of Selfishness and Bad Decision Making Party Rock
3. A Series of Indiscretions WAIT Stands for “Why Am I Talking?”
4. Living on an Emotional Fault Line Your Nose Looks Like a Snowman’s and other Darn Things Kids Say
5. Hearing Impaired: What Did You Say?
6. Four Eyes or Why I’ll Never See the Shark’s Fin Before It Bites Me
7. Leadership Makes Me Ugly Cry
concluding with
8. Daughters, I Preloaded One Thousand Dollars to Your Better Help Accounts. Sorry and Good Luck.
Several years ago, my therapist handed me a sheet full of paper as part of an assignment. She directed me to check the boxes of any statements that I agreed with. I diligently completed my homework, reading over fifty affirmation statements. After reading lines such as, “I am funny and people like to be around me” to “I am living life with abundance,” I grabbed my pen and ticked one, and only one, box. “I willingly accept constructive criticism.” I returned the homework to my therapist in our next session. I was incredulous and I had one question for her. Do people really say this stuff? It turns out, she shared, they do.
Somewhere between parenthood and building a career, the cocky, big-headed 20-something, who carried pride like a chip on her shoulder, disappeared and a tired, beaten, lost woman took control of my life. I didn’t know where my self esteem went or how to find it again. My therapist asked me about my relationship with my daughters. She asked me what I say to them when they have a bad day, make a mistake, or share self doubts. I easily listed off all of the affirmation statements on my homework sheet, exchanging the “I” for “you”.
Knowing my therapist was on to something, I decided it was time to put fingers to keys to develop a few positive affirmations for myself. After several moments of staring at a blinking cursor, I tapped out a few statements that I knew to be positive facts about me.
I can draw a pretty good Garfield head. I impress people when they learn I can twist my arms and cross my elbows and squeeze my head through a hole my arms make. I am proud of winning the 4th grade spelling bee. (The word was tractor, if you are wondering.)
My nose gives me character, or at least that’s what my mom says.
I have nice ankles.
I memorized all the lines to the movie Clue.
I am a super good thrift shopper.
I closed the document, satisfied with my conclusions. Days later, I felt guilty. I don’t like to half bake anything I do, so I opened the document again and added to the list. As I wrote, I fought with myself, second guessing word choices, typing and deleting to finesse each statement. Like I did for my daughters, I’d have felt more comfortable erasing my name and adding someone else’s. In the end, I compromised with my ego, writing self affirmations that didn’t feel extravagant, yet scratched below the surface. I wrote statements with substance as a model for my daughters.
Here’s what I came up with.
I’ve got stamina. My best friend and I were swimming last summer, talking while we lazily treaded water. After an amount of time I lost track of counting, I was surprised when she told me she was tired. As we dried off, she quipped about my impressive treading abilities. I’d never given much thought to this unassuming aquatic skill, other than knowing it could save my life and paired well with my signature doggy paddle. But, this is what I know about me. On land or sea, I am in a constant state of treading water. I know how to keep my head afloat and stay there for a very long time. When the waves are rough, I can endure and persevere. In the words of Sia, “I’m running out of breath, but I, oh I, I’ve got stamina.”
I am committed…until I’m not. I used to see end goals with laser beam focus. I felt like a failure if I wasn’t able to accomplish a task, even if the task was painful or detrimental to my body or my psyche. I wouldn’t quit, despite the cost. I pushed through injuries and suffered diminished professional self esteem. Ultimately, I lost more than I gained from my ambition.
I was so consumed with what would happen if I failed at what I was doing that I started to fail at being. I no longer agree that when the going gets tough, the tough get going. I have learned, when necessary, to quit with confidence and courage. I know when to say good bye, when to accept failure, and when to realize that a situation failed me more than I failed myself.
Then, I returned to staring at a blinking cursor after two affirmations, but three is my lucky number.
My husband and I split the kids up on a long car ride home today, after a weekend in the mountains, and my fickle and critically thinking 11-year old chose to ride with me. After she told me my selection of The History of Royalty podcast hurt her head and my singing was embarrassing her, I turned off the radio, and took a chance. I shared with her that I was writing an essay about self affirmations. I gave her some examples and told her it can sometimes be hard to come up with our own. I asked her if she could help me by sharing something positive about me.
I always keep my promises. My 11-year old daughter told me, without question, and with great conviction, that I always keep my promises. She said that I never let her down and hold true to my word. She can count on me. Always.
When I asked her if she could think of any self affirmations, she hesitated and confessed she could not. I returned the favor with my list for her, telling her she was smart and funny, creative, forthright and bold. I told her that her introversion made her interesting and her humor kept me laughing on the hardest of days. “Mom,” she smiled, “you did that so easily.” “I know, kiddo,” I replied, “and, I know someday you’ll able to do it, too.”
