The Golden Rule Has a Sequel, and It’s Life-Changing
Putting ourselves last is a terrible example to set for our kids.
I can’t remember when I first learned the Golden Rule, the principle of “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” which can be found in the Gospel of Matthew and takes various forms in most religions and cultures. I believe it was around the age when my favorite foods were Cheerios and pasta. I certainly didn’t understand the word “unto,” but I could begin to comprehend the fundamental importance of treating others the way I would like to be treated. Would I like it if someone threw sand in my hair? No, I wouldn’t. I see your point.
It was decades later, once I became a mom, that I found out the Golden Rule has a sequel. Well, not officially, but the maxim has been expanded and extended to encompass something both parents and kids need to hear: the importance of doing unto ourselves as we do unto others. In other words, self-care, self-acceptance, and self-love.
This message has been embraced by many in the field of counseling psychology, and an increasing amount of research has shown the importance and benefits of self-compassion on our mental health. Those benefits include reduced distress and depressive symptoms, greater self-forgiveness, and even improved physical health.
That same body of research has also documented how poorly we tend to treat ourselves compared to our loved ones. For me, this often takes the form of unrealistic expectations of the kind of mother I should be. I can’t count the number of times I’ve told my children that mistakes are valuable learning tools and an unavoidable part of being human. But the silent messages I give myself when I snap at my kids at the grocery store or idly check my phone while they’re trying to tell me a story? Those are the opposite of compassion and understanding.
When I had my first child, a wise mom friend reminded me that in order to take care of my newborn, I needed to make sure I was also taking care of myself. This was equally true during the COVID-19 pandemic when my three kids were home for months on end and I became a full-time housekeeper, distance-learning supervisor, chef, and activity director. After the first few bumpy weeks, when I felt my sanity fraying, I began to carve out times to check in with myself, either by taking a walk, calling a friend who always makes me laugh, or simply locking the bathroom door when I took a shower. I also limited my expectations of myself to two things: doing my best to keep the members of my family safe and seeking out moments of joy.
We all suffer, struggle and make mistakes. And there is almost always an opportunity to start fresh the next day — or even the next minute. That’s a great message to share with our kids, and a vital message to give ourselves at the same time. It simultaneously offers hope, compassion, and a bit of relief from the heavy burden of perfectionism many moms carry.
I want my kids to grow up thinking about the impact their words and actions have on others, and to strive to ensure that impact is positive. That’s where the Golden Rule comes in. But I don’t want them to ignore their own needs and humanity in the process.
So whether we’re doing unto others or doing unto ourselves, let’s try to show love, understanding, and, when necessary, forgiveness. If we can achieve that, we will truly be golden.
