The Only Question I Ask When My Son Returns From a Visitation
Recognize that you cannot control or dictate what happens in your ex’s household.
A few weeks ago a newly-divorced colleague and dear friend shared with me her challenges in adjusting to her post-divorce new normal. She was coming off of a particularly unsettling weekend that was quite triggering for her. I will not go into any specifics except to say that her ex chose this particular weekend to introduce their son to his fiancée.
Did I mention the ink hadn’t quite yet dried on the divorce decree?
Under the best of circumstances, this type of news has the potential to shift the relationship dynamics in monumental ways. Unfortunately, from what my friend shared with me, this was not the best of circumstances. In fact, it was quite the opposite and her ex’s collective actions could probably have served as a textbook example of how not to deliver the news of your impending nuptials to your ex-spouse. Specifically, he did so with no preparation, no advance warning, and no discussion, thoughtlessly flouting his new relationship status in front of his elementary school-aged son the entire weekend.
She came by the knowledge of the impending nuptials by accident as her son unwittingly and enthusiastically shared the news with her. My friend was all the things you would expect her to be in that moment — gobsmacked, livid, devastated, and demoralized. After all, she was still reeling from the raw emotions that accompany the dissolution of her marriage, she now had the added injury of being blind-sided and forced to process the news of her ex’s new relationship status.
As I sat with my friend while she processed her grief out loud, it became clear to both of us that the grief was not about the ex per se; the relationship had been over long before the marriage ended. What was at the heart of her grief was her fear of displacement. She was “mom”! And now there was some other woman out there with a potential claim on her son’s affection. A woman with whom she had little to no reason to trust. What would it mean to be “mom” going forward? And then there was a question that was not explicitly expressed but was there nonetheless: What control would I need to surrender in the new dynamic?
I should note here that my friend’s son has special needs. Any mother of a child with special needs may instantly relate to the sentiments above. I know I do. After all, for years you’ve been the gate-keeper, the organizer, the scheduler, the transporter, the comforter, the translator, the companion, and the explorer into your child’s inner world. You understand your child’s internal maps (mental, emotional, and spiritual) in a way no other individual on this earth can. Now imagine, if you were in my friend’s position, how threatened you might feel. When looking at it from this lens, the fear of losing “control” becomes less about losing control for control’s sake; we realize it is about something deeper.
Without being able to look directly into my dear friend’s heart, I have no way of knowing the deeper issues at play for her specifically. And, in truth, I do not need to know them. What was clear, however, was how her particular threat response showed up in the hours that immediately followed her receipt of the news… it showed up in the form of incessant questions. She wanted to know the details and she couldn’t restrain herself from interrogating her son and that only served to leave her feeling more demoralized and angry.
The Only Question I Ask My Son When He Returns From a Visitation With His Dad
As I listened to my friend, I felt compelled to share the one question that I have learned to ask my son when he comes home from a visitation: “Did you have fun?”
When I think back about 8 years to the co-parenting classes all divorcing parents in my county are required to take, there are a few nuggets that have stuck with me and that I have taken to heart. Over the years I have come to rely on them as strategies that serve me well to help me stay upright and not get caught up in the whirlwind. They are listed below and I am paraphrasing based on how I’ve integrated them into my personal dynamic:
1. Do not interfere with the relationship between your ex and your child.
2. Do not spy on your ex (i.e., do not pump your child for intel on your ex).
3. Recognize that you cannot control or dictate what happens in your ex’s household.
4. Set the conditions and/or expectations that will allow your child to experience a guilt-free relationship with your ex (i.e., show enthusiasm when your child leaves for visitation as well as upon his or her return).
Why it Works?
After a bit of experimenting with various question styles that would sometimes, depending on the response, leave me feeling ill at ease, it dawned on me that it wasn’t the knowing that bothered me, but the knowing and not really having the agency to change things that did. I no longer had the same level of control in the family dynamic that I previously enjoyed as primary care-giver to our son. So I began to think, What’s the point in having information if there was little to nothing you could do about it?
For most “spying” parents, the problem is not one of a lack of information, it is one of having too much information that you cannot do anything about. And once I accepted that truth, I was able to surrender control. And what a game-changer that was for me personally. It brought me peace. That one simple question is so powerful because, even in its simplicity, it checks all the boxes for the strategies listed above:
1. You do not interfere with the relationship between your child and the other parent when you ask this question. In fact, you communicate to your child that the presumption is that he or she will have fun with the other parent, and by default, they must be in a relationship of some sort for that fun to occur.
2. You are not forcing your child to answer specific questions to satisfy your agenda when you ask this question. The question is very limited in scope while still opening up space for your child to share what they feel comfortable sharing. They have the freedom to choose what is shared.
3. You validate and honor your ex’s right to establish the rules of their own household while also providing an example for them to follow when you ask this question. Your co-parenting styles may be radically different but let’s face it, even intact families are helmed by parents who may have different parenting styles. And I personally know of no court that would deny a parent the right to do so as he or she sees fit, except under certain extenuating circumstances that are outside the scope of this current conversation.
4. You set the proper conditions for guilt-free relationship building when you ask this question. That they’ll have fun is the default. It becomes the expectation. I have come to appreciate the power of this presumption, particularly in instances when things go wrong and the expectation is not met. It is under those circumstances that your child will volunteer the concerns and issues that may rise to the level that requires an actual discussion between you and your ex to address.
It’s Applicability
The question also works for children at all levels provided that they are able to verbalize their experiences to some degree. For example, even a younger child with a limited vocabulary will understand the concept of fun and can at least offer a “yes” or “no” reply. Teenagers may also skew toward the yes/no response. Tweens like my son may choose to expound on their responses. In those instances, my strategy is generally the same… to enthusiastically validate the response before immediately redirecting to our relationship.
For example, I may use something along the lines of, “Wow! That really sounds awesome! I’m so excited you are back home. Are you hungry?”
I have found the quicker you can transition back to your relationship and the rules of your household the better. I have also found from my own personal experience that the universe has a way of providing you with the information you need to hear. So for those of you who are constantly fearful that the unthinkable may happen when your child is with your ex, or you are concerned that your child isn’t getting proper nutrition, is staying up way too late, is getting too much screen time, etc.… just know that children are resilient.
Most children should easily be able to bounce back from 48 hours at the other parents’ home. Granted, ideally there should be some general ground rules that are agreed upon upfront about bedtimes, screen time, gaming, and the like. But, if not, again I say children are resilient and there’s very little damage that cannot be undone upon their return to you.
As I mentioned, I shared this question with my colleague and my rationale for using it and she was open enough and trusting enough to receive the information in the spirit in which it was intended. She recently shared with me a few weeks later that she’s been using the question with some promising positive results. So, I decided to share this information more widely in case it can be of use to some other co-parent who may find this useful.
I humbly offer my thanks to my friend for being so gracious in allowing me to share this.
