The Ugly Side of Surrogacy
It has nothing to do with leaving the baby.
“I’m willing to bet that she is being well compensated for this pregnancy, which goes to show that she is choosing financial gain over the well-being of our children.”
This was written in an email to my principal by one of my student’s parents. She was nice enough to CC me so that I could watch her talk about me. The reason for the email? I was experiencing pregnancy complications that required me to cancel a school field trip.
Never mind that I begged my principal to send a teacher in my place. Never mind that none of the parents had paid for the trip yet, with over a year’s notice (including this parent). Never mind that my own health was in jeopardy and I needed to take a temporary medical leave.
Never mind that I had been teaching her son for two full years at this point.
I wish I could say that she was the only person who attacked me like this during my surrogacy. Another parent wrote to my principal (over said field trip): “What she does with her body is her choice, but when it affects my child is where I draw the line.”
I had spent two years building a relationship with these families while their children were in my care. It was like a carefully and slowly knitted sweater, created with love through blistered fingers on even the hardest of days.
My decision to become a gestational surrogate was a loose string to them — one that they yanked on with no hesitation, unraveling it all.
The thing about surrogacy is… you are either a saint or an evil money-grabbing whore.
Yes, I said whore. Because it has also been said about me that I was “selling my body.” This time by a family member.
If you decide to be a gestational surrogate, expect strangers and acquaintances to immediately ask you if you are being paid, and if so, how much.
Some will ask quietly, with embarrassed curiosity. For those people, I gave honest answers. Some will boldly ask, “Are you doing it for a friend or for money?” As if the two are mutually exclusive.
I answered those questions with much less grace.
The mean comments will come from outside your circle.
It was a gigantic surprise to me how many people cared that I was pregnant with another couple’s baby. When I was pregnant with my own two children, people outside of my own nuclear family rarely involved themselves other than to wish me well and possibly bestow a gift at a baby shower.
When I was pregnant as a surrogate, suddenly every aunt, uncle, co-worker, and acquaintance had an opinion on the matter and had a burning urge to express it. Nay, a responsibility.
These opinions came from the very people who my decision did not affect.
Guess who was supportive? My husband and my children. The people who the decision did affect.
The only ugly part of surrogacy is the hate others dish out.
When I became a surrogate, I was provided with a family therapist that specializes in the subject of surrogacy. I was told I could email or call her at any time for advice or to discuss the emotional hardships I might face during the journey. They knew what I would be in for.
Most of the hateful comments had to do with money. But I was also told that I would scar my children, that I was playing God, and (the worst one) that same-sex couples do not deserve to have children.
Navigating these judgments was difficult at times, but I never bought into them. I always knew I was doing the right thing.
The beauty still outweighs the ugliness.
I need to be transparent and tell you that more people praised me than shamed me. But as with any situation, the hurtful comments are the ones that leave marks. Especially if they blindside you.
I had the baby almost eight months ago, and my daughters are still well-adjusted. They joyfully watch videos of her growth and have no thoughts in their little heads that she is a sibling.
Oh and about that money? Our family was finally able to purchase our first home because the compensation helped me pay down some debts.
The experience of being a surrogate is one that I will treasure for the rest of my life. The parents, who are extraordinary people, did pay me. I helped them be a family, and they helped my family in return. And in my experience, there is absolutely nothing ugly about that.
If you are curious about surrogacy, I wrote an article answering the most common questions. I am also available to answer any other questions you might have, provided they are asked respectfully.
