Who Are You When Everything You Value Is Taken Away?
“Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created for something new to emerge” — Eckhart Tolle
Have you ever had moments in life where you asked yourself, “Who am I now?” or “Does my existence matter?” or “What is my value?”
These questions usually surface when we are in a life-altering situation. So it was with me.
After the birth of my child, I found myself struggling to decide whether I wanted to go back to work or be home with him. I tried working but staying away from my baby felt so wrong. Deep down I knew that I couldn’t leave my little child and pursue my career.
I acknowledged my desire to be a mother and to experience every moment of it. But I was reluctant to act on it. I kept questioning my own intuition.
“I can go back to work after my child is born, just like many other women do,” — that’s what I told myself throughout my pregnancy. But once I held my baby and looked into his eyes, my heart felt so full that all I wanted was to be the best mother I could for my child.
And that meant putting my dreams on hold.
I value my education and if that required me to go away from home at the age of 16, I gladly did it. If that meant I chose to stay focused on my studies in spite of all the temptations around me, I did it. If that meant working hard as a way to honor the sacrifices my parents were making and the trust they were placing in my ability, I did it. Because I knew it was worth it. I knew that my education would help me achieve what the world wanted and expected of me.
So I worked hard and got a job. Though I was earning well, I started to feel exhausted and depleted. I kept going because for me, the job and my education defined me.
“If it drains you, takes more from you…..let it go.” — Iyanla Vanzant
When I heard Iyanla say this, it dawned on me that the work I was doing wasn’t filling me up! Though I liked the work and was good at it, it was draining me. And I started to wonder what work would feel like if it filled me up.
And then, I got pregnant.
Defying expectations, I decided to follow my heart and gave up the idea of going to work (at least temporarily), so that I could channel all my energy towards the blessing I had been entrusted.
Was I perfectly at peace with my decision? Mostly yes, especially when I was with my child. But people around me never failed to point out that I was wasting my education, dishonoring the sacrifices of my parents, and that I was a burden on my husband.
It was in those moments that the anger and frustration bubbled up. The judgements of others reinforced my own deep-seated fear that maybe I was making a mistake. The questions of my worth, my value, and my place in this world haunted me.
Eventually, I decided that I needed to figure out who I was, without any fancy titles or anything else the world values. It was my belief that the answer would help me redefine my worth and my value.
So what did I learn through reflection and by being completely honest with myself?
- I realized that I am much more than just a job, title, paycheck, or educational credentials.
- I realized I didn’t need any of those superficial layers in my life to make me feel whole. The idea that they add value is a mental construct, an indoctrination of sorts, that forces us to think that we are nobody without the titles.
- I realized that even without a job title, I am still the same person — capable, smart, and compassionate — as I always have been. The intrinsic value of an individual doesn’t depend on external validation.
- I realized that I didn’t need to conform to the expectations of the world around me.
- I realized that as far as my life is concerned, I can create my own rules and live by them unapologetically.
- I realized that those who truly love me and care about me understand and respect my decision.
- I realized that those who judge my decision have different priorities and I need to stay focused on my life situation and what matters to me. Their opinions don’t count.
- I realized that I can be happy and contented in life by being true to myself and honoring my deepest desires.
- I realized that my education enables me to look at my unique life situation, evaluate my options, and make my choices. Nobody else can decide for me because this is my life and I take complete ownership of it.
- I realized that my education helped me quickly learn, adapt, and make informed decisions so that I could guide my child through 6 schools in 4 cities across 3 countries in a span of 10 years.
- I realized that being a mother is an honor in itself and whether the world acknowledges it or not, I know that my contribution as a mother will help shape the future. And that is pretty powerful!
Once I knew why I was choosing to prioritize my role as a mother over my career, there was complete acceptance and peace. Now, even if someone comments on my decision, I don’t get worked up. I can let it slide. Because I know my why. And that’s all that matters.
I know today that my education was not wasted, I’m not a burden on my husband, and I’m not lazy or unambitious.
“Work is not just about getting paid what you’re worth. It is about using your gifts, sharing the best of who you are, and using what brings you joy to make someone else’s life better.” Never in my life had I heard anything like that. At the time, it sounded crazy.” — Iyanla Vanzant
After a lot of reflection, I learned that my work is being a mom. It is this work that fills me up. It brings joy, meaning and purpose to my life. And it’s always evolving, so it never gets boring.
Takeaway
When life takes away what you value or challenges you, take a look at your life closely. Remember you are still the same talented and wonderful person. Let go of what doesn’t work, for example, your beliefs, desires, ideas, dreams, etc. and use this opportunity to make room for what is important to you.
Ask yourself: What brings me joy? What fills me up? What is it that I can do for hours and feel invigorated — not exhausted or bored? Figuring out these answers will reveal who you are and what truly matters to you.
Then be courageous and follow that desire even if it means defying the world. Because joy, happiness, and contentment await you.
So, what brings you joy?
