Why are so many moms choosing between sleep and downtime?
“Revenge exhaustion” was hurting only me, until I broke the cycle.
Goodnight. I love you. Don’t stay up too late.
There was a period of time when those three phrases, spoken by my husband, were a standard part of our nightly routine. Our three kids would be asleep, my husband would be about to nod off, and I would be curled up in my favorite green chair with a book, my phone or my laptop (often all three), ready to ensure that I would wake up the next day sleep deprived.
I should have been in bed, lights and devices off, rewarding my body and mind for making it through another day of parenting, working and life-ing. But instead, I would spend at least an hour late at night seizing the moments of me-time I felt I was owed. I referred to the practice half-jokingly as “revenge exhaustion,” because it robbed me of sleep I badly needed but was also an act of rebellion against the forces that made it impossible for me to find any other time of day to read a book, engage in celebrity Googling and mindlessly scroll through people’s Instagram stories to unwind. Hey, motherhood, you think you’ve beaten me? Well, I will just stay up until midnight looking at cat GIFs!
This went on for an embarrassingly long time before I realized that the only person or thing being punished was me. The time-devouring parts of my day weren’t going anywhere, so if I wanted something to change, I needed to take charge.
It is sad and deeply unfair that many moms feel the only place to carve out time for ourselves is the late-night or early-morning hours when no one else at home is awake. We find ourselves choosing between the self-care that is sleep and the self-care that helps us decompress and check out for a bit. Why does it have to be either/or?
To solve this problem in my own daily life, I took the advice I’ve read in numerous articles about exercise: if you don’t have time for one long workout, look at your schedule and see where you can squeeze in mini bursts of activity, and you’ll reap the same benefits. Translating that to my need for me-time, I found that if I transferred some of my pleasure reading list into audiobooks, I could enjoy them while running errands, driving to pick up my kids or even taking a short walk when I had a break between work or family activities.
I also stopped watching TV shows I didn’t actually care about, something I used to think of as quality time with my husband but was actually just us sitting next to each other on the couch and not really talking. Instead, he watches with headphones on, and I sit next to him and read my book or engage in frivolous yet satisfying diversions on my phone. Far from feeling ignored, we both do what we want to do, side by side, and then we’re far more likely to go to bed at the same time, which he much prefers to the old “Don’t stay up too late” situation.
Being a mom can be exhausting and overwhelming, but it doesn’t have to be that way all the time. And while it would be wonderful if a fairy godmother swooped in and erased half of our daily to-do lists, the fact is that in most cases, if we want something to change we need to set that in motion ourselves. It may require delegating more. It may require breaking some long-held routines. It may require getting creative. It will likely require a combination of all those things.
I am now asleep most nights by 10pm, and I often beat my husband getting into bed. Most of the demands on my time are still there, but I face them every morning with a clearer head and less puffy eyes. As it turns out, taking care of myself is the best revenge.
