MEMOIR
Chronic Pain and Decades of Hiding My Sexuality Nearly Destroyed Me
Training for a triathlon helped me create a better life
I feel myself shiver as I stand in waist-deep water, waiting for my race wave to be called to the starting line. My goggles and swim cap are on, and my arms are held tight to my body with hands clasped under my chin in an effort to keep warm.
Suddenly, I hear the woman behind me talking to herself in a panic, “What am I doing here? Why did I think this was a good idea? I have no idea what I’m doing here. What AM I doing here?”
Her anxious energy seeps into my body as I absorb her words and sense her panic. She’s making me nervous, and I feel an almost uncontrollable urge to turn around and tell her to shut up, which is very out of character for me. Instead, I focus on my training, reminding myself I worked hard to get here and that I’m ready.
The air horn blows harshly, startling many of us. I submerge myself and start to swim, only to get kicked in the face by the woman in front of me. I can’t stop because there is a surge of racers behind me, so I switch to breaststroke and attempt to get clear of the pack.
The water is choppy as hell, and I swallow just enough Lake Washington water to make me cough…
