Member-only story
MEMOIR
Chronic Pain and Decades of Hiding My Sexuality Nearly Destroyed Me
Training for a triathlon helped me create a better life
I feel myself shiver as I stand in waist-deep water, waiting for my race wave to be called to the starting line. My goggles and swim cap are on, and my arms are held tight to my body with hands clasped under my chin in an effort to keep warm.
Suddenly, I hear the woman behind me talking to herself in a panic, “What am I doing here? Why did I think this was a good idea? I have no idea what I’m doing here. What AM I doing here?”
Her anxious energy seeps into my body as I absorb her words and sense her panic. She’s making me nervous, and I feel an almost uncontrollable urge to turn around and tell her to shut up, which is very out of character for me. Instead, I focus on my training, reminding myself I worked hard to get here and that I’m ready.
The air horn blows harshly, startling many of us. I submerge myself and start to swim, only to get kicked in the face by the woman in front of me. I can’t stop because there is a surge of racers behind me, so I switch to breaststroke and attempt to get clear of the pack.
The water is choppy as hell, and I swallow just enough Lake Washington water to make me cough. I struggle to catch my breath and start treading water, trying to settle my heart rate. Between my choppy breathing and the even choppier water, I feel fatigued and defeated and consider dropping out of the race.
Instead, something wells up in me like a wave gathering energy before it breaks, and I start talking to myself. Get your ass in gear, Stamp. You trained for this, and you WILL finish this no matter how long it takes. Now go, get moving!
My internal monologue works, and I start swimming. Though this is my weakest leg of the race, I’m confident I can finish. I trained every week in open water to get more comfortable, and that experience propels me forward. With each stroke, I visualize coming out of the water and running to the transition area.
I sequence my movements in my mind, something I learned to do as a young girl to ease my anxiety and fear. I picture myself wading through the shallow water…
