FAMILY | HUMOR
Confessions From My Life of Crime
I didn’t want my life to end in the back of a police car
I haven’t always been the nice, slightly nerdy editor of a small-town newspaper I am today. No, before I spent my evenings taking pictures at high school ball games and reporting on city council meetings, I led a life of crime. I was a car thief, hiding from the police after being turned in by my own mother. My life of crime didn’t start when I was in my 20s. or even in my teens. My life of crime started when I was just five years old. This is my story.
We spent the day at my grandfather’s house. He had a collection of hot-wheels I played with off and on throughout the day. When it was time to go home, my mother handed me my jacket. I put it on, and we left.
When we got home, I took off the jacket, pulled the hot wheels car out of the pocket, and continued playing with it.
Mom asked where I got the car, so I told her, “I brought it home from Grandpa’s house.” I could tell she was upset, but I didn’t understand why. I knew Grandpa wouldn’t care if I took a car home, as long as I brought it back the next time I was there. Mom didn’t buy that explanation.
She told me what I had done, taking the car from Grandpa’s without telling him, was stealing. She said I broke the law. She told me people who break the law get arrested. Then she called the police.
We lived outside a small town with a population of about 700 people. When my mother “called the police”, all she did was call the town cop at his home and told him what I had done. He agreed to come out to the house and “arrest” me, as soon as he finished his dinner. Of course, my five-year-old mind didn’t understand that.
When Mom got off the phone, she told me the police were on their way. I knew this was the end for me. I watched Adam-12 and Dragnet, so I knew what happened to car thieves. They were put in handcuffs, locked in the back of a police car, and never seen again. I didn’t want my life to end in the back of a police car. I was scared to death So when I saw a car coming down the gravel road with the flashing lights on, I knew what I had to do.
Mom headed outside to meet the cop. As soon as she went out the door, I ran into my bedroom. I opened the bedroom window to make it look like I climbed out, and then ran into the closet. In the back of the closet was a large box about the same height I was, filled with clothes and blankets.
I pulled stuff out of the box, climbed inside, and pulled the blankets and clothes back in on top of me. I closed the flaps as best I could and hid. I was scared. I didn’t know how long forever was, but I knew it was long enough I would miss my Mom. Someday I might even miss my sisters. I started to cry. Eventually, I cried myself to sleep.
I awoke to daylight and the realization that life on the run wasn’t for me. When fear gripped my body the night before, there were a few things I hadn’t thought of, like food…and a bathroom. I could hear voices coming from the kitchen. It sounded like there were a lot of them. I knew it was time to turn myself in, or at least it would be after I used the bathroom.
When I walked into the kitchen, it was full of people. I could see even more people outside. Most of our neighbors were there, some of Mom’s friends, two police officers, and some dogs. I walked over to Mom to tell her I was sorry and was ready to be arrested. Her eyes were all red like she had been crying. I figured she knew she was going to miss me too.
Before I could say anything to her, she saw me. She hugged me and started crying again. She kept saying how happy she was to see me and other stuff I didn’t understand. Everybody seemed happy to see me. Even the policeman seemed happy to see me. He patted me on the back and told me he was glad I was safe. I guess I had been hiding long enough that they forgot I was supposed to be arrested. I didn’t remind them.
That evening, Mom and I went back to Grandpa’s house. She told me I had to tell Grandpa I took the car without asking. When I told him, he said, “That’s OK, son. You know I don’t care if you take them home to play with, as long as you bring them back the next time you come.”
“I know Grandpa. But from now on, I think I’ll just leave ’em here.” And with that, Grandpa and I turned our attention to Walter Cronkite and the CBS Evening News.
And that’s the way it was. Twenty-four hours after it began, after doing hard time in the box in the closet, my life of crime came to an end. Well, almost. I did receive a parking ticket once in 1995. I paid for it the next day.
Until next time. Take care of yourself, and each other. Here’s another story so you can get to know me better. Thanks for reading!
