The Old Farts Dominate at Trivia
An accumulation of years beats the fast minds of youth
Statler and Waldorf: that was our first trivia team name. It was just me and Kevin, and we figured it was an apt name for two grumpy gray-haired guys who sat at the bar and looked slightly down at the younger teams at the tables.
Don’t know who Statler and Waldorf are? Well, that’s why we spanked your team at trivia, isn’t it?
Neither Kevin nor I had ever played bar trivia. We ordinarily avoided such things. How can you have a conversation with a friend if you keep getting shushed by the people playing the game? But we found ourselves on trivia night at one of our favorite bars, a cidery only half a mile from my house, and thought we’d give it a try.
At the halfway point, the trivia host read off the scores. Out of the ten teams playing,
Statler and Waldorf were dead last.
We came on strong in the second half and were just behind the leaders after the last regular question. We bet all of our points on the final question, even though we were not 100% confident about the category, World Geography.
The question was: What South American country has borders on both the Caribbean and the Pacific?
We knew the answer. We won the game.
Our prize was a $25 gift certificate for more ciders. Sweet! Or dry. Depending on your cider preference.
We went back last Thursday. This time my buddy Humphries joined us. We sat at the corner of the bar so that we could maintain our perch while still being able to lean our heads in to whisper. Kevin and Humphries had never met but immediately bonded over their love of Evil Dead II. The three of us ran down rabbit trails of movie characters and obscure music.
The pistons were all firing, and we were ready for an evening of trivia.
We needed a three-person team name. Kevin suggested “The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly,” and Humphries and I instantly agreed.
We did well in the early rounds, answering with confidence most of the time (what element has the chemical symbol Fe?), but also kicking ourselves when we missed something we should have gotten (did Michael Jordan have more or fewer than 500 consecutive games with 10 points or more?). We surged forward by naming the seven countries on the Arabian Peninsula.
At the half, we trailed a team at the back of the room by two points.
They became our nemeses.
That team was one adult, a man who appeared to be about 40, who had with him a pack of eight kids, about 13 to 15 years old. Originally, we’d only noticed that there were a lot of people on that team, and we wondered grumpily how many people you could have on one team. When we found ourselves behind them at halftime, we paid more attention and noticed their youth.
They were all wearing the jerseys of our local Single-A baseball team. We’ve had rain every day for a week. So we speculated that the reason a group of kids ended up at a bar for trivia was because the game was rained out. Not a bad save by the adult who had to come up with a backup plan.
But still — we felt like we must crush them.
During the first half, they quickly jotted down their answers on the cards and practically ran to the front to turn them in to the host. Fresh young minds, speedy answers, nimble navigation of tables and chairs and people. We did not like them.
The second half featured questions that favored a broad education. The Hanging Gardens, which became one of the Seven Wonders of the World, were located in what city? That sort of thing.
The kids in the back grew quiet toward the end, sensing the seriousness of the competition. After the last regular question, the host announced the scores. We were tied with the kids.
The final category was announced. We would be able to bet any amount of our points on this last question. The category was money.
Humphries was a finance major way back in college and is the sort of guy who subscribes to Consumer Reports. I worked in treasury management at a major bank for years. And Kevin? I’m guessing his credit rating is approaching the 850 max. We glanced back at the kids and felt confident.
We bet it all.
And then the question was not really a finance question at all. The question was, Which dead celebrity’s estate made the most money every year between 2013 and 2022?
Kevin and I looked at each other and mumbled, “Elvis?”
We turned to Humphries, whose wheels were visibly grinding. Finally, he whispered, “Michael Jackson.” He said it softly but confidently, and we all instantly recognized that he was right. I jotted the name down on our official card and took it to the host.
We won, of course.
The young team in the back looked dejected. They either had guessed wrongly or had gambled their points badly. Whether it was our knowledge or our confidence, we had come out on top. But they looked so sad. Their baseball game had been rained out and then they came so close to winning at trivia only to have it taken from them by the old farts at the bar.
We almost felt bad for them. Then we did some quick math. We realized that the combined ages of the three of us was more than the combined ages of the nine of them. Those kids can piss off. They have years ahead of them.
The bartender came over to us. He’s a nice guy and we like him. He handed us two beer koozies and a silicone cup with the cidery’s logo. We said, “Thanks, what’s this?” He said, “That’s your prize.”
Wait. What? Not a $25 gift certificate? Nope, the cidery manager decided first prize would be merchandise. The bartender tried to make it sound good, then gave up and walked away.
The three of us couldn’t stop laughing. It was fine. A $25 gift card was not going to change our budgets any. And there was no entry fee for the trivia game. It was all fine. Just not what we expected. Koozies and a cup?
I muttered, “What was second prize? A jab in the eye with a stick?”
The trivia host let us know that second prize was $15.
We walked out into the night, happy with the victory of age and wisdom over youth and speed. We hugged our goodbyes and promised to do this again soon.
As he walked toward his car, Kevin said, “Next week we’ll have to use strategery to come in second.”
I stared at my buddies as they walked away. I’ve known both of these men for about 20 years. We have been with each other through heartbreak, career changes, deaths of family members, Sunday lunches at my house, beers at local breweries, flat tires, planting gardens, grumbles about changes in Asheville, and more laughs than can be counted. We’ve been through the good, the bad, and the ugly.
How is it possible they had never met? I feel like I’ve created something new. We’re a team.
This article was inspired by Allie’s delightful post about her trivia team, The Wazowskis.
