Proposals for a California Separatist Constitution

The election aside, I’ve been a supporter of California, and specifically Los Angeles, secession since I was a child. The notion that a proud, culturally rich, forward looking land like this should be ruled by a decrepit cabal of corporate lawyers and magazine culture editors 3000 miles away has always been a disgrace, this election result aside.

But this election seems to have ignited the momentum, so it’s time to roll up our sleeves and start planning. Assuming we’re heading to a Coastal Congress soon, here are my opening proposals. Representatives, please consider them starting points for our conversation:

• Borders: First of all, we need to be realistic and accept that for a host of reasons, Los Angeles can not go it alone. We’re just not prepared to take all the responsibilities of nationhood ourselves. But as an aggregated entertainment and resort nation, we’re unstoppable. I propose that Southern California secede and take with it: Vegas, Baja and Hawaii.
• Borders (tw0): The Bay Area should not be invited to this party. Having been part of a country with San Francisco once, it’s not a mistake I would make again. And they can keep Silicon Valley too. The last thing we want is a bunch of tech/VC nerds hanging around when we’re trying to market our country as fun.
• Name: Fortunately, the name of our greatest cultural achievement is available. In honor of the once great casino hotel, I propose we name our new country: The Sands.
• Capital: Showing the forward and fun thinking of the new country, ours should be the first nation to have a floating capital. We should commission Princess Cruiseline’s Pacific Princess, star of The Love Boat, as the capital of The Sands. By staying at sea and in motion between ports, the capital would ensure that a hive of special interests never has the chance to attach itself, barnacle-like to the seat of power, in the manner of the DC suburbs.
• Elections: Fortunately, our new country already has in place one of the most vibrant and popular forms of democracy on Earth. The Academy Awards are beloved, respected and closely followed by people everywhere. We should extend the Academy’s franchise from selecting the best film of the year to also electing our leaders and voting on the most pressing issues of the day.
• Rulers: The Academy will elect a King and Queen to serve as the ceremonial but all powerful heads of state and public faces of The Sands. Qualifications will be decided on the same algorithm of [technical achievement + important message X buzz/good backstory + inoffensiveness X good looking] by which the best picture is selected.
• Form of Government: The Sands will technically be ruled by the most popular people selected by the Academy, who will handle all ceremonial duties and every Tuesday either they or a member of their entourage will say something offensive that the culture can rise in outrage against until we overthrow them in a national catharsis. Apart from ceremonial duties and providing backlash grist, the monarchs will wield no actually powers. The functions of government will be the exclusive province of the accounting firm of Price Waterhouse.
• Flag: A beautiful sunset with everyone inserting their own picture in front.
• National Anthem: Tiny Bubbles by Don Ho
• Colors: Hot Pink and Fuscia, the ’84 LA Olympic colors
• Holidays: Every day until 12:30 PM
• Citizenship requirements: Must be able to connect any Game of Thrones actor to any Top Gun star in six degrees in less than 2 minutes.
• Rules and Regulations: 1. Only every third picture can be a selfie. 2. Texting in movies is the only crime to carry capital punishment. 3. Drugs are legal but you can’t talk about them, and if you’re on them you’re not allowed to have opinions. 4. Don’t call people just to talk. 5. You don’t have to say hi to everyone you kinda recognize every time you see them if you’re not actually friends.

That’s my stab at it. I can’t imagine anyone could really argue with the above but try and poke holes if you will. Or fill in anything I haven’t covered. For instance: We can’t start a country without a national bird? What the hell is our bird going to be? I don’t even begin to know how we start thinking about that?

But beyond that, let’s get this moving. Would be great if we could kiss America goodbye and get The Sands open for business by New Year’s? What do you all say: Constitutional Brunch Convention at Nate ‘n Al’s the morning after Thanksgiving? See you there!