A Guide to Fighting about Sexual Misconduct

A word of warning: this can be an exhausting fight to have, especially if you’re a survivor of sexual violence. Take care of yourselves, friends. Head over to our self care guide if you need some suggestions.

Downloadable version coming soon!

What the hell is going on?

I’ve lost count of the number of prominent men who have had sexual assault and misconduct allegations come out in recent weeks. It’s been slowly simmering for the past year or so (and truthfully, even longer), but suddenly, we’ve hit a rolling boil and invariably, people are choosing to ignore all evidence to the contrary and believe abusers and assaulters. Following the accusations against Harvey Weinstein on October 5, the New York Times has been compiling a list of men with allegations against them and the fallout from each. It’s extensive, and yet specifically doesn’t include men for whom there has been little or no fallout.

So how are we defining assault?

Truthfully, we tend to use “sexual assault” to include a lot of things it doesn’t necessarily include in a legal sense. If you’re going to be diving into this around the dinner table, it’s important to be precise. Sexual misconduct is the umbrella term that encompasses a whole host of shitbaggery:

• Sexual assault, which typically involves unwanted physical contact or coercion, manipulation, or force to make someone engage in unwanted physical contact
• Sexual harassment, a form of discrimination against a person, that is believed by the victim to carry consequences if they don’t submit to the behavior
• Sexual exploitation, which involves nonconsensual, unjust, or abusive sexual advantage, including recording or photographing a person without their knowledge, voyeurism, trafficking, and more
• Sexual intimidation, including threatening sexual violence against a person, engaging in indecent exposure, and more

If you’re looking for more details on types of sexual violence, RAINN is a fantastic resource. Sexual misconduct runs the gamut, but most importantly, it is never, never the victim’s fault, no matter what they’re wearing, how much they had to drink, or whatever reason people have settled on to brush away serious crimes.

Why should we care?

An American is sexually assaulted every 98 seconds. Victims face backlash and criticism on many fronts, leading many to not report their assaults. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, in September, the Department of Education rolled back Obama era guidelines on how school campuses should handle accusations of sexual misconduct, raising the level of evidence needed for campus justice systems to hold students responsible.

As accusations continue to come out, one thing is continually made clear. This isn’t a political issue. Abusers are everywhere across the political spectrum, because sexual misconduct and violence is about one thing: power.

We care about this because sexual violence shouldn’t be about the sexual part, but about the violence.

We care because assaulters are given the benefit of the doubt while victims are told they’re making it up or are taking back their consent after the fact or should just take a compliment.

We care because Brock Turner is back living his life, because there are 16 women who have accused the president of sexual assault, because #MeToo started 10 years ago and is still going strong.

What’s my conservative relative going to say?

Glad you asked! Here’s a list of some likely comments and response suggestions.

Them: “I’m so sad about [insert public figure here]. I love their movies/tv shows/music/politics.”
You: “I understand. It’s hard when someone we admire turns out to not be as great as we thought. Their work is still great, but it’s hard for me to support them now that other people have come forward about their experiences.”
Them: “But do we really know?”
You: “I choose to believe victims. The rate of false accusations is somewhere between 2% and 10%, which means that the rate of real accusations is 90%-98%.”

Them: “His life is ruined now.”
You: “Yes. It’s unfortunate that so many people have had similar experiences with him. He used his position of power to influence people in a terrible way, and now he’s having to live with the consequences for his actions.”

Them: “You’re innocent until proven guilty in this country, and none of them have been found guilty.”
You: “Our courts do operate on the presumption of innocence, which is definitely a good thing. But that just applies to the government. The public isn’t under obligation to believe someone is innocent until the courts have found them guilty.”

Them: “Even if it happened, it was years ago. Why come forward now??”
You: “Often, it takes victims a lot of time to come to terms with what they experienced. They may not want to talk about it at the time because they’re young or feel unsafe doing so or fear they won’t be believed. There may be no legal recourse for someone who was abused many years ago, but they may feel like they need to speak about their experiences to keep it from happening to other people. The tides suddenly felt like they were turning after the Harvey Weinstein allegations and many victims finally felt safer coming forward about their own experiences.”

Them: “But Bill Clinton!”
You: “Yep. We probably fucked that one up, but we’re learning and getting better. Sexual misconduct definitely isn’t limited to just one political party.”

Them: “Men are assaulted too!
OR
Them: “Women assault people too!”
You: “You’re right. Our current statistics are more accurate for victims who are women because men are even less likely to report sexual violence. Society places a heavy stigma on victims who are men, and we should be more supportive of all victims.

Them: “Oh please, that’s not assault! That’s just a compliment!”
You: “Please never compliment me that way. It may not be assault, but it’s definitely misconduct.”

Them: “It’s all a liberal media conspiracy to keep Roy Moore from office.”
You: “It’s not. There’s a strong pattern of behavior. He was banned from a shopping mall in the 80’s. A former Alabama deputy state attorney said it was common knowledge that he dated high school girls. As of November 16, eight women have publicly shared their experiences about Roy Moore.”
Them: “Whatever. It’s better to elect a pedophile than a Democrat.”
You: Just take your plate and leave the table. It’s not worth it at this point.