Faithful Fridays: You don’t have to have it all together

“You’re getting married?” My coworker sighed. “It must be nice to have your life together like that.”

Since I’m in my early 20s, this is a common response from people my age. Nowadays, people tend to get married somewhat later; in Canada the average age to get married is 30, while our neighbours to the south marry a little younger, at age 28. So right off the bat you can see that Justin and I, at age 22, are a little counter-cultural. (This is typical for Christians).

Many people have a laundry list of accomplishments that they want to check off before they’re ready to get married. For example, they want to graduate university, maybe even get their master’s degree or PhD, they want to buy a house, have a good job, own a car, be financially stable, etc. Most of these goals are focused on money and possessions. I wonder why material wealth is considered so important for a successful marriage…

Here’s what I think: you don’t have to have it all together. I know it sounds a little crazy, but you can get married while you’re still in school. You can get married without owning a house or a car. Marriage doesn’t have to be picture perfect! It can involve studying together at home, cooking dinner in a basement suite, coupons, and date nights at home. The purpose of marriage isn’t to prove that you somehow have life all figured out — it’s to commit to figuring it out together.

I want to make it clear that I do think people should be mature and self-aware before they commit to marriage. If young adults get engaged but lack self-confidence, their insecurities will at some point affect their marriage. Moreover, a lack of self-awareness makes it very difficult to develop a growth mindset and a willingness to change. Contrary to popular belief, you absolutely should change for the person you love! Both of you should work together to become better for each other. Before you get married, you should prepare by taking premarital counselling and working on the negative aspects of your personality that could potentially harm your marriage. But that doesn’t mean that you have to be perfect before you marry — each individual remains a work in progress!

One thing that Justin and I have clearly noticed in our relationship is that the ebb and flow of our spiritual habits correlates strongly with our relational closeness. Basically, if we aren’t praying together regularly or reading the Bible as much, we feel more distant from each other. When we make those habits a priority, we end up discussing faith, theology, and the implications of biblical teaching on our lives. It’s something that really helps us to connect. Just last night we were marvelling over the fact that God made time stand still during an ancient battle. We have no idea how he did it — but the fact that he can is absolutely incredible. I’m getting off topic now, but you get the picture — developing your faith equals developing your marriage. God leads us and guides us as we figure out life together!

Anyways, that’s my take. After our honeymoon, we’re returning to Victoria in next month and we’ll be living in a rented basement suite, taking the bus, and we’ll both be heading back to school in September. Is it glamorous? No way. But instead of seeing each other every 2–3 weeks, we’ll get to see each other every single day. We’ll get to experience life together instead of through a screen. We don’t have it all figured out. We aren’t prepared for absolutely anything that might come our way, and we can’t perfectly envision what the next five or ten years will look like. But that’s okay — we don’t need to. We just need to trust God and love each other.