Love Don’t Cost A Thing But There’s A Service Fee
Karl: “Free hugs! Free hugs over here. That’s right free -
Cash to customer: “Just one hug today. That will be one dollar. Are you a member of our refer a hug program? No, ok well, if you refer a friend your next hug is half off! Have a wonderful day and I hope we hug again soon. Oh and don’t forget this months group hug discount!”
Karl: “Hi… I couldn’t help -
Cash: “Well, hello! How many hugs will you be purchasing today?”
Karl: “Um none. The thing is I couldn’t help but notice you’re charging for hugs?”
Cash: “That’s correct! At a really great rate if you ask me. Oh, hey I like your sign. Very clever, draw them in with the free and hit them with classic fine print service fee. Brilliant, I should have thought of that. I hope you don’t mind if I steal that for next months hug promotion.”
Karl: “Excuse me? Fine print? Service fee? What are you talking about, my hugs are FREE.”
Cash: “Well if you’re not charging for your hugs, how are you making money? You must have some sort of catch. Oh I get it, you’re just starting out, aren’t you? I remember my early days as a young hug-preneur. Boy were times tough back then. The science of hugging wasn’t what it is today. I use to have to hug people for five minutes back then to give them the same quality hug I give them now in five seconds. And to think I only charged a nickel back then.”
Karl: “No, no. I’m not just starting out and there isn’t a catch. My hugs are a 100% free. I believe hugs are a basic human right and profiting off of them is down right wrong. I mean do you even care about the people you’re hugging?”
Cash: “I mean, care is a strong word, but I do have a hugs-back guarantee if anyone is ever unsatisfied with -
Karl: “Exactly! Your customers aren’t people to you, they’re just dollar signs. This is what’s wrong with capitalism. Profit, profit, profit. That’s all that matters and your only incentive is to increase that profit by any means necessary. I used to know a guy, Jeeves, he gave out free advice. He’d been doing it all his life, until one day a new guy came along and started outsourcing his advice. Poor Jeeves couldn’t keep up and just like that he was gone.”
Cash: “First off, I know Jeeves and his advice wasn’t great. Also, did you ever ask him for any advice? It took forever and when he finally gave it to you, you were about as enlightened as a fortune cookie. You should be thanking capitalism for that new guy. If it wasn’t for capitalism we’d still be stuck with Jeeves and better off with a magic eight ball. That new guy came in and brought innovation and we’re all better off for it. Gone are the days of Jeeve’s slow mediocre advice. Now we have fast and reliable advice anytime we need it. I myself have been toying with the idea of outsourcing some of my hugs.”
Karl: “Of course you have. Yet another disservice to society by the capitalist system. By outsourcing your hugs you’re going to destroy the local hugger industry. Just like Jeeves, some of these huggers have been doing this their whole life. What are they supposed to do, learn to high five?”
Cash: “I’ll tell you one thing they can do. They can have a hug at the new low price of ¢75, because once I’ve outsourced my work I can lower my prices. By more efficiently allocating my resources I can in turn produce more hugs at a lower cost to the end consumer. Capitalism for the win again.”
Karl: “Yes, lower prices, but for lower quality hugs. When your only concern is lowering the bottom line to increase the profit margin your hug quality is going to suffer. I’ve seen it happen. First, it’s four second hugs instead of five and then the next thing you know it’ll be side hugs. Your new hugs might only cost ¢75 instead of a dollar, but they won’t be worth a thing.”
Cash: “Well, seeing as the irony of valueless hug appears to be lost on you. I say we set our differences in opinion aside, agree to disagree, and hug it out.”
Karl: “Really?”
Cash: “Yeah, why not. After all this conversation is really cutting into my operation hours.”
- Capitalism Simply Isn’t Working and Here are the Reasons Why; Will Hutton, 2014 https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/apr/12/capitalism-isnt-working-thomas-piketty
- The Politics and Economics of Offshore Outsourcing; By N. Gregory Mankiw & Phillip Swagel, 2006 https://scholar.harvard.edu/files/mankiw/files/outsourcing_-_march_7_2006.pdf
- Comparing Economic Systems: A Political Approach; By Andrew S. Zimbalist, 1989 https://scholar.harvard.edu/files/mankiw/files/outsourcing_-_march_7_2006.pdf
- Capitalism, In Our Time; BBC Radio 4, 1999 https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p00545kv
