Fixing What’s Broken
I’ve been pushing myself along every day since I broke my ankle in March. When I broke it, I initially felt stupid, but I thought it best to forgive myself because I was not going to heal any faster or better feeling bad about myself.
I told myself to be patient with my healing because my body can only heal as fast as it is going to heal. What I was not prepared for was tibial avascular necrosis, which is something that happens sometimes in lupus, especially if you’ve dosed up on the steroids several times as I have. No one warned me of this. Although I have to wonder if knowing would have made any difference?
I got a new ankle surgeon. He is supposed to be one of the best in the field. We will see how it goes. He recommended no lupus medications while I go into this surgery. Yesterday, I met with my rheumatologist to discuss this and the flare I am in right now. Last week because of the smoky air in Seattle, my lungs had an immune response and pushed me into a flare. Because of this, there was no way my doctor was entertaining the idea of taking me off my lupus medications (which still includes Prednisone). She said they were necessary life saving medications.
We plan to reassess as I get closer to surgery. But essentially, I’m choosing between my ankle and my life. I told my rheumatologist that if I had to choose, I guess I will have to sacrifice my ankle.
There would have been a time in the past, I would have lost my foot, but now with bone grafts, joint replacements, screws, plates, and fusions, there’s no need. Eventually, with luck, I will be able to walk with the assistance of a brace and maybe one day go without the brace. There’s still a slight chance after all of this, my ankle and supporting bones still won’t heal, but I’m not going to let my head go there. It’s going to heal!
When I started writing this article, I was feeling frustrated and sorry for myself. That was the point I was trying to get to. I was frustrated and angry over the broken ankle that won’t heal, the lungs that were barely working, the rashes, the bruises, the pain. But now that I am headed toward finishing this up, I see that there are really a lot of reasons to feel fortunate. I have medical support and a means to fix what is broken.
My ankle is broken and can’t heal right now, but it will. Sometimes patience will have to stretch a lot longer than expected.
Katerina Canyon is a writer currently living in Seattle, Washington. She served as Poet Laureate of Sunland-Tujunga, California from 2000 to 2003. She has a MALD from The Fletcher School of Law and Diplomacy and a BA in English, Creative Writing, and International Studies from Saint Louis University. She has been published in the New York Times and Huffington Post. Her most recent poetry was published in Black Napkin. Her latest collection Changing the Lines is currently available on Amazon and Elliott Bay Book Company. You can learn more about Katerina at PoeticKat.com.
