It’s possible all years are this bad, but we don’t think so. 2014 was simply a trashpile of world events and sewer people. The slop started piling up at the start and never slowed down. It reeks in here.
Did anything good even happen? We can’t say with certainty. Every positive memory we might have had has been thoroughly buried by…
THE YEAR IN GARBAGE.
Putin continued to be a huge raging dick toward Ukraine and gay people. Buy a shirt, pal.
ISIS established a new made up country where they kill journalists and treat women like sacks of trash. They’re also really into social media, which is great for drawing millennial psychopaths to their Mad Max caliphate.
CNN spent most of the year looking for a missing plane?
Robin Williams and Philip Seymor Hoffman died because this year, this refuse pile of 365 days known as 2014, took them from us.
India held the biggest democratic election in human history and elected a racist asshole in a landslide. Hooray!
Garbage group Boko Haram kidnapped 200 Nigerian school girls and the world cared for a week. They’re still missing.
Ebola came to the states and we literally could not shut up about it or bother to learn how it’s transmitted. (Also killed some Africans?)
We all did the Ice Bucket Challenge, posted it, Liked it, raised awareness for the thing it was for. Did we donate any money? Uhh.
A bunch of gamers proved they were walking stereotypes of unsocialized woman-haters in diapers, and familiarized us all with the war cry of their crybaby troll army:
Israel did more garbage stuff in Palestine, bombs and stuff, making family holidays fraught for another year. In addition, dead people.
Police seem to have military vehicles and hate black people? This year cops pointed sniper rifles at peaceful protestors and a string of unarmed black men and children were shot or choked to death. Feel safe!
We landed on a comet — cool — but then a trash heap in a bad shirt had to ruin it — bad.
Pretty exciting election results.
The torture report reminded us we are but a garbage gyre swirling in a vast and endless ocean of trash on a rubbish planet orbiting a refuse pile of a sun in what’s likely the universe’s slimiest galaxy.
If all this wasn’t enough, the word of the year was “vape.” VAPE.
It wasn’t just events that stunk this year. Some individuals were so garbage they deserve their own dumpster. The sports world was all covered with flies and stink ‘cuz it was such a trash can. And 2014 was really good at churning out the freshest, hottest takes — steaming, bubbling takes of garbage cooking in that hot sun.
CHARLES C. JOHNSON: This charmer elbowed his way into our collective psyche by saying a ton of odious stuff on twitter about murder and rape victims and doxxing people — and was taken way too seriously by the media. Also, he’s probably gonna threaten to sue us now. Satire is legal, Chuck!
BILL COSBY: As of this writing, 19 women have publicly accused the once-beloved comedian and Jell-O pitchman of sexual assault. There were a lot of powerful men accused of rape, but this guy takes the trash cake for biggest fall from grace.
“JIHADI JOHN”: This evidently British member of ISIS has filmed himself beheading six aid workers, journalists, and Syrian soldiers. Not much else to say here, just an especially evil piece of refuse ready for composting.
DONALD STERLING: Longtime racist and sexist owner of the LA Clippers (with lawsuits to prove it). Some leaked conversations/rants finally earned the NBA’s #1 dummy a lifetime ban.
THE POLICE: You can’t talk about the major a-holes of 2014 without America’s Finest, our trashboys in blue! Whether it was…
- Regular old patrolmen going on an unarmed black person murder spree
- Riot cops beating up protestors for wanting them to not murder anyone anymore
- Cops on message boards ranting about THUGS when referring to people they murdered, or
- Union representatives demanding people apologize for being mad about all the murders…
The police truly earned their place atop the landfill mountain that was 2014. See them right here next year, we bet!
Oh, and a goddamn cat made more money than you and everyone you know combined. Better luck next year!